Day 14

Saturday 30th November

well the night out didn't go to plan.. It was good I opened to my friends and told them everything.. stuff I've kept hidden for years I've let them know.. it was good to get that off my chest.. It felt a great relief and I think they could see how hurt I am and how much I loved boobie.. :-(

LOL we was meant to go out but becuase I've not ate or slept properly.. I got too drunk even before we went out.. I was puking my guts out and everything and nothing was coming out because I've hardly ate for a few weeks :-( they found it pretty funny.. I was still in my shirt and tie.. I fell asleep in the bathroom with my head on the toilet seat.. I beg one of my mates to call boobie.. I cried and begged him to call her.. I gave him her number.. I just said call her.. she'll know what to do and how to look after me :( but he never did.. I was so angry with him I wanted to hit him.. they put me to sleep.. I think it was only 10 and I zonked out.. with my head still spinning.. tears in my eyes... the taste of puke still in my mouth.. I woke up at 6am.. it's the first solid sleep I've had in ages.. only if I could drink everynight..  when I got up my legs still were uneasy and I nearly fell over.. I managed to get changed into my pyjamas.. I looked for my phone and it was still downstairs where I had left it.. I went downstairs and first thing I checked was to see if Boobie had emailed me.. she hadn't.. I then went back up and tried to go back to sleep.

I then got out of bed about 8ish and tidied up a little.. there was no toothpaste to even wash out the taste of puke from my mouth.. I watched some tv and listened to some songs..  I could feel the hurt and anger returning today.. I couldn't understand how yesterday I was more at ease today I was angry again.. one of my friends stayed over the night.. he eventually woke up.. I apologised for getting so drunk last night and that I ruined our night out.. he was genuine and said it was ok.. we had coffee and chatted for a while.. I asked him if he ever had a heartbreak and we shared some stories.. He then played the guitar and we sang a few songs... Green Day hope you had the time of your life was really good and kinda struck a note with me.. he then tried to teach me a few chords but because of my huge nails I couldn't really do it.. but I can see it as being a great release and something I might start doing.. so will start asking my housemate to teach me a few chords.. take some lessons and hopefully get my own guitar too :-)

We went to get some breakfast in town and we chatted and it was nice.. I enjoyed that I could be open with him.. we went back home and I packed and set off for the drive back up.. wondering what boobie might be upto.. how things have changed so quickly.. the person I knew and love now seems like someone else.. I tried not to think of her on my drive up..

I got home for about 4ish.. it was my nephew and my older bro birthday party today.. I wasn't really in the mood but I thought it'll be good to spend as much time with my family as I can.. my elder sis wanted me to dance..I wasn't really in the mood.. I was feeling sick and i was missing boobie so badly.. I was tempted to email her.. I want to know if she is ok :-( god I love her so much.. I miss her so much.. I checked my emails constantly but there was nothing..  I had a little dance coz my sis kept asking and I thought least it would cheer her up.. I did enjoy dancing a little and getting lost in the moment. but I missed boobie.. I wanted to tell her all about it.. how I was shaking my booty :-(

I watched some programme about compute games on channel 4 with my bro.. that finished at 11 and then I cam home.. I've not had a chance to write in my journal since last night and I know I needed this release get this off my chest coz it was killing me.. and I fell all agitated.. I needed to get my feelings out before they start to eat me up inside.. my feelings of boobie are mixed.. my mind is going crazy..  I hope I manage to sleep.. it's 11:52pm now.. I got football tomorrow.. 2 weeks now since me and boobie have broke up... only 2 weeks... seems like the longest 2 weeks of my life.. I want to be happy and forget boobie.. but there is part of me that refuses to coz I feel like I'm cheating her by doing that.. I want her to know how much I'm hurting and in pain and she can feel that pain.. and just ask if I'm ok.. it's not gonna happen :-( I miss u boobie..

Going to listen to a few songs now.. and then try and get some sleep.. not gonna take the sleeping pills tonight.. gonna see if I can sleep without them.. fingers crossed.. Good night hoobie.. have a little pray that God gives me a boobie free sleep.. ameeeeen