So it was Sunday November 17th 2013 that I got an email from her about 7am in the morning, saying that she can never see me anymore and it's over and she needs to move on. Her moving on was something we talked about a lot because of the circumstances and the complexities I couldn't give her my all and I couldn't give her my future either. I even encouraged it to her plenty of time. I suppose it's all easier said than done though. I always thought that we would remain friends to some extent but feelings, hurt, jealousy, it's not as easy as it is on paper.
I couldn't sleep that night anyway I knew something wasn't quite right for the past 2 days. She wasn't responding to my emails like she would normally do and we would email each other a lot and about everything and I suppose this blog will help fill that void about how we would talk about everything and maybe help me to try and stop contacting her and let her go :-( just even typing it and reading it is so tough.
I tried at first to keep my dignity and let her go as a man but that didn't last long before anger, hurt and every other negative emotion and feeling started to creep in. How could she end it just all of a sudden. What had happened. we were together on that wednesday what happened in a space of a few days that my world got turned upside down. All these questions started to creep in my head and I tried to call her that day and talk to her. She didn't answer. I tried a few times and left a voicemail saying that we should atleast talk about it and she should at least give me the decency to end it to my face rather than email.
She eventually emailed me back saying that she couldn't answer and that maybe I could call her tomorrow when I drive down to work. At the time I was furious and thought no way am I getting in touch. My pride and ego had been bruised. I did eventually email her back asking if she had met someone else already. She responded back and told me about how all my lies and all times times I've hurt her have grind her down and she can't cope anymore. and I am beginning to understand why too. I apologised again for all the pain I put her through and again try to leave in a dignified manner. That was the last I heard from her that day. We didn't email or anything. Normally we would have emailed each other through out the day. Asking what we've been upto, what we've ate, how much we are missing each other, how we can't wait to meet up again. but there was nothing, just complete silence.
I was constantly checking my emails hoping and praying she had emailed me back, that she had a moment of madness and changed her mind but nothing came. There was so many times I wanted to email her that day to talk to her. To tell her not to leave me. But I did my best to hold back as much as I could. I tried to keep myself occupied. I watched some tv, watched a few movies and I think I watched black swan last night which is a movie we saw together on my birthday :-( everything was reminding me of her.. I couldn't stop thinking about her :-( I tried to sleep that night but not very well. I was exhausted and manage to get some sleep but all those questions still were in my head. How could she end it. She claimed to be madly in love with me. We said we'll always be together. I've risked so much to stay with her and contact her as much as I can. How could she just end it all.. I was starting to get feelings of hate... hatred of her but more so hatred of myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment