Day 6

Friday 22/11/2013

Well I didn't get much sleep last night at all.. I didn't take the sleeping pills. I left them in the bag in the car and I can now tell the difference they make in getting me to get to sleep.. Boobie would take sleeping pills too and I couldn't understand why.. I wasn't happy about her taking them.. Hopefully she can stop taking them now..

I kept waking up in the night to check my emails.. just in case she had emailed me.. but nothing again :-( I went on whatsapp to see if I could her status.. when she was last online.. any clue to see if she is ok but I think she's blocked me or something coz I couldn't see anything..

I think I got about 3 hours of broken sleep last night.. I couldn't stop thinking about her.. all the bloody time..  I wanted to bang my head against the wall to get her out of there.. why doesn't she just leave me alone now.. why is she still here with me..

Just logged into work and still no emails or anything from her.. I don't think she'll even contact me again.. I never thought this would happen between us.. that one day we would end up like this.. strangers, separate from each other..  it's such a shame..

I think we could have been friends but there are a few things that I am still really angry about.. I think someday I could forgive her for lying to me.. that she hid stuff from me.. she didn't want to hurt me.. I can understand that.. and although that really hurts.. I know in time I could forgive her for that.. the 2 things I can't is her letting me go through the rest of my life with the pain and regret that this was all my fault.. when I asked if there was someone else.. she made me think that it was due to all my lies.. which I'm sure was a primary reason.. but it wasn't just that.. and the other thing is just to break up with me over emails like I'm nothing.. like I'm a stranger.. like when someone gets rejected for a job.. did I really mean nothing to her.. just a sack of shit.. didn't even give me the dignity to say goodbye to my face.. She gave me her reasons but I don't accept them..

I couldn't help and think about her and the new guy.. one day she'll kiss him.. will it be just as passionate and exhilarating as when we first kissed.  some day they'll make love.. in the same bed as we used to :-( .. some day I'll find out she's married just like she did all them years ago.. one of my many lies.. I know it's a long journey to recovery.. I still have all these heartbreaks to come.. I suppose whilst we was together she's had to endure them already so she's lot further into recovery than I am..

I know I shouldn't but I keep reading some of the emails from before.. I was reading some from the sunday before we broke up.. how did I know that was my last Sunday as her hoobie.. she was having some family issues.. but I was certain she still loved me.. she still wanted me.. but she was already chatting to that guy by then.. doesn't make sense.  why was she doing this to me.. I don't understand.. I have so many questions and I think that's what hurts because I have to make my own answers.. and even if I asked her I'm not certain she'd tell me the truth..

I wonder what her plans are for this weekend.. is she going to be seeing him this weekend? even tonight maybe.. they can be seen as a couple.. where as I was always hidden a secret.. that will be nice for her.. I can understand that as a woman she would want stability and security and a man that could provide that.. I couldn't.. I understand all that.. It would be nice to know how she feels right now.. if this is as difficult for her as it is me.. but then what answer would make me happy.. I wouldn't want her to be really upset.. that would hurt me.. and if she is happy then I suppose that would hurt too.. ignorance is bliss as they say..  This weekend is gonna be tough..

I'm gonna try and get some sleep later on after I logged off from work.. I think I manage to fall asleep when  I'm watching TV and my mind is distracted but then soon as I think of her I'll be awake again.. maybe play some games on the PS3 there are a few I want to play.. Spend some time with the family..  I have neglected them over the years.. she has too really.. we both were just crazy about each other.. nothing else mattered.. and it didn't, I just wanted her so badly.. always wanting her to know that I'm always thinking of her..

Really tempted to email her now and just tell her I miss her..  I want to talk to her so badly.. just hear her voice.. even if the words she says would break me.. I just wanna hear her :-(

first of all I just need to take one day at a time and fight each day and not think long term.. what will be will be.. there is nothing I can do now.. I could email her and tell her I miss her, that I still do love her.. but that's not gonna do both of us any good.. I have to let her go.. I just want to hold her so tight.. squeeze her so she makes funny noises when I hugged her too hard.. the other thing is I need to rediscover myself.. find out who I was before I met her.. see if I can become that person again.. hopefully spending more time with family and friends will help me discover that.. I used to be fun.. I was funny.. let's see if I can find that person again..  hopefully boobie can be the person she was once too.. Smiley Boobie :-) that made my world shine.. where just talking to her would brighten up my days.. put a spark in my life..

12:00pm - Nearly lunch time.. it'll be nearly 2 days now since we last made contact.. I've not really done much work today.. working from home is lot more difficult.  being in the office around more people does make it easier and keeps me distracted.  really starting to feel sleepy and can feel how exhausted and tired I am.. I feel weak, mentally and physically.. she gave me so much strength.. I hope I can find it back again on my own.. Gonna try and eat a little more today.. I had a banana earlier.. Boobie would be happy that I had some fruit :-) I hope boobie is eating properly.. she better be or else I'll bite her bloody nose off LOL.. I feel like on here I still have my old boobie with me :-)  Boobie I'm gonna watch Bargain Hunt now.. maybe I might nod off watching it so I'll set my alarm just in case I don't wake up.. mwaaaaah xx

13:00 - managed to swallow down a plate of rice with some great difficulty.. I fell asleep watching bargain hunt.. gonna have a cup of tea now.. can't wait to log off later and get some sleep.. hopefully I don't think about boobie and what'll she'll be upto this evening and this weekend..

16:00 - been in a meeting for the past 2 hours so not had time to think about her or re-read her emails.. Still no emails from her.. She'd be leaving work now and going home.. well I think she'll be going home.. I have no idea what her plans are.. I just need to stop thinking about her.. which is difficult when for the past 3 and a half years all I been doing is thinking about her..  I wish she knows things were different and if I could be with her.. I would deffo want to be with her.. I've never wanted anyone the way I do her.. never even believed in love.. well I hope she gets home safely..  been a long week.. Miss u boobie xx

Gonna log off work now.. maybe I can catch up on some sleep.. Gonna give gym a miss today.. maybe tomorrow I'll try and kick start things..

20:00 - Managed to get a little sleep about half an hour and been watching tv, playing candy crush and checking my emails.. no emails from boobie.. I got a call from No Caller Id.. I thought it might be boobie.. saying she wanted to talk.. but it wasn't her.. I miss her so much.. I want to hug her and feel her face nestled between my chest.. that comforting feel.. I felt strong, invincible when she was in my arms like that..  Boobie when I hurt u.. I always answered ur questions no matter how many times u asked. yes I got annoyed but I stuck by u.. I didn't just give up.. yet here u are. u don't even want to talk to me.. explain to me why u did what u did.. u just don't care... u just ended it.. u haven't even made an attempt to ask if I'm ok.. yes I might ignore u.. but u don't know how much that would mean to me. just an email with 2 words - u ok? would mean the world to me...

I want to email her and tell her I miss her.. but I don't think I even want to give her that satisfaction.. she doesn't deserve my love and she doesn't deserve my friendship.. I put so much time and effort into our relationship.. more than she will ever realise and appreciate.. I hate u boobie.. i hate u so much yet I still want u.. I hope she actually never ever reads my journal.. I hope she never reads how much she meant to me.. how much I miss her.. I wish she thinks that all I used her for is for my own physical urges.. that's all she meant to me.. that's all she was..  I can't eat, I can't sleep.. I got such a short temper and taking it out on the kids.. will I ever find the person I was before I met her.. who was I.. please come back to me and take this boobie away..

23:22 - :-( no emails from boobie.. nothing.. it's like I never existed.. I always thought I was the stronger one between us.. I don't know what else to say or write in here.. I'm just broken..  Might start praying..  my wife just text me saying I look upset did she make a mistake.. how do I tell her that the women I cheated on her with has broken my heart.. how do I tell her that the person I gave all my love and affection to instead of her has left me.. when I've continually lied to her that I would never see her again.. that I risked losing everything again.. to just spend the little time I could with bobbie.. despite everything my wife saw when she saw them pics of me and boobie.. despite pressure and disgrace from her family and everyone at home she left them to come back to me and I still cheated on her again.. why can't I show her and give her that love and affection.. why? ..  what is wrong with me..

I'm gonna take my sleeping pills now and hopefully god does me a favour and lets me sleep.. hopefully I wake up tomorrow stronger..