Day 3

So Tuesday 19th November.  Into work I go.. Where it all began.. where I met her... she didn't work there anymore.. she had left some time ago.  but I had to walk past every little place that reminded me of her.. I tried to keep strong and not let my emotions show too much.. I didn't want another melt down like I had a couple of years ago..

I got to my desk and checked my emails and again nothing. She would email me when she got into work and ask if I got to work safely.. but again nothing.. this was it.. it really was all over.  I went on my false facebook account to see if any of my false friends request had been accepted.. nothing :-( which was probably for the better.  I tried to look at the new chaps facebook account.. but I couldn't find it.. he had deactivated it.. why would someone all of a sudden deactivate their account just because they got a random fried request. Surely you just don't accept the request unless you had something to hide.  Obviously she must have talked to him from when I talked to her.. to that morning for him to deactivate his account. maybe they was in the same fucking bed when she asked him to do it.. how could it all happened so fast..  Again it just confirmed my suspicions that she was lying to me.. there was something to hide.

I did something stupid and showed my card. I emailed her with a sarcastic emailing saying amazing how she managed to get him to deactivate his facebook account.. She called me back straight away after that email.. We argued. she was saying why did I add try and add him as a friend.. and to be fair that was a boundary I had overstepped.. but I wanted to know.. I wanted to hurt more.. I wanted to hate her so much that the pain would make it easier for me to cope.. but I still loved her.. I still wanted her back but I know not it's too late... there is nothing like new love all fresh and new with no baggage and I knew I could never compete with that.. I had been her new love when we first started and she had been mine and I know how exciting and tingling it all was.. with no consideration about the other person.. now I was the other person.. the enemy. the villian.. the bad guy.. the fucking monster!!!! She would talk to him about me about how bad and awful I am just like when she did about her partner at the time and I would do the same about my partner.. no one else mattered just us two and us being together. well now I know how much that hurts..

I was still angry that she didn't have the decency to end things to my face.. I wanted her to see my face and remember how much she has hurt me when she says it.. I asked her to return any of the stuff I got her.. any little gifts and some of the clothes I had left over at her house... she said no that they were her gifts and they belonged to her.. too be honest I couldn't give a shit about the gifts or anything.. I just wanted to see her.. so I threatened her :-( not again something I am proud of and said that I would break into her house and take my stuff.. She then said that she'll arrange something for next week.. wow she was so fucking busy with her  new man that she couldn't see me tonight.. she couldn't put me out of my misery and put a wounding dog down and bring me some closure to all this.  I agreed that next week would be fine and we ended our call.. I then put away any gifts she gave me that I had to my desk and moved them to one side.. out of sight... I didn't want to be reminded of her..

We would normally still email each other at work too.. but nothing today.. I tried to distract my self as much as I can.. I tried to focus on some work.. talked to some collegues and one who has known me for some time and knows more about my story.. tried to console me but I was really hurt and I still missed her so badly...  Then something unexpected happened that I didn't expect... She called me.. I felt excitement.. hope.. I answered.. wasn't long before that disappeared.. She said that she has arranged with her brother for him to drop my things off to me.. I was like what the fuck!!! I told her I gave them things to her and she should return them to me personally and then say good bye to my face... she said I threatened her and she was scared.. I said I was angry and would not harm her.. I said we could meet up somewhere public if she was that scared... she then said what if she came down with her brother.. I was like NO.. I don't want someone else there specially her brother.. what a fucking joke.. I said no.. we do it alone.. then she gave me a lame ass excuse that she is being tracked and what not.. I got really angry at this point.. After so long together.. to go through everything we have been through it had already become so difficult for her to drive 20 miles down the road to return my stuff and say goodbye to my face.. Where I would drive 200 miles down south every fucking week.. risking everything to just see her.. I said fuck it.. keep the things and I don't wanna see her or even contact me.. I'm sure we talked about someother stuff too.. I think we was trying to pass blame onto each other.. and I do hold my hands up that I do hold most of that blame but the reason why the relationship has ended is because she has moved on plain and simple.. She was finding it so much easier than me.. he tone of voice and everything was just dead.. there was nothing behind it and I knew at that moment she had no left for me or had no care for me too.. That was it.. it really is over.. That was our last ever conversation.. Well so far anyway.. There was no further emails that day.. nothing..  I still loved her though.. I still wanted to be with her.. I still do now.. but I suppose the right thing for me to do is try and let go.. let her be happy and hopefully I can cope with that..

I arranged with my housemate to go out that night.. I didn't want to be alone and I wanted to talk to him.. I got some herbal sleeping pills to help me sleep in the night.. and with me right this blog for the past few hours and proof they didn't work too well LOL..

My housemate is brilliant and a really good friend.. I never really talk about personal stuff so he was all quite shocked that I opened up to him.. we went to get some food and I couldn't eat much at all.. the least I've eaten for a long time..  we went out and had a few drinks.. chatted.. I broke down a few times and cried and he did what he could to cheer me up and keep me positive.. but it was still so difficult.. I missed my boobie so much.. some of the stuff we chatted about I know it would have made her laugh her ass off and it was stuff I would be excited to tell her too.. but nope I don't have that anymore.. I don't have that companion, that friend, that lover in my life anymore.. there is a huge void in my life now that I will never fill but I will have to try.