Day 9

Monday 25/11/2013

9 days.. it's only been 9 days since me and boobie split up :-(

I've managed to get a little more sleep.. I did wake up at about 5-6 different occasions.. but I am managing to get some sleep now.. can't stop thinking about boobie.. need to cry but I can't even do that.. that's the most difficult thing I've not been able to mourn her loss.. I just wanna break down and cry..

I know it's selfish of me to want her back and put everything back to the way it was.. and it's unfair on her to just keep her to myself.. I never thought I would fall madly and deeply in love with someone.. I've been having thoughts about leaving all my family and just staying with her instead.. but they would never forgive me.. and i think I would begin to resent boobie because I sacrificed everyone for her..

I been trying to stop thinking about her and her future and her with this other man and started to try and focus more about myself.. what future do I have.. well I can finally leave my job down south and look something closer to home.. maybe being further away from boobie might help both of us.. I can try and be a better father.. spend some more time with my kids.. make sure they never experience pain like this.. I really wish I could be a better husband and show my wife the love and affection.. maybe slowly I will slowly start to grow in love with her..

I just miss boobie so much.. I miss u so badly boobie.. I'm on edge all time and my body and legs are constantly shaking.. I know it's the addiction and I'm get cravings for her so bad.. I need to keep fighting these urges.. I can do this.. I will do this.. I will do it for myself and I will do it for boobie.. I always told her eventually she will need to move on I never knew I would turn out a total mess.. I always thought that with be friends no matter what.. and I would still see her.. not in a physical way but still just meet up for a drink.. talk, laugh and look into each other eyes and not have to say it but know that we still love each other.. I think that's what hurts me the most.. I don't know if I'll ever see her again :-( boobie please I'm begging u.. I'm sorry I got angry.. u know I'm a dick.. I understand..  I can see how much hurt I put u through but I gave u my heart boobie.. I gave u as much as I could.. I know it wasn't enough but don't just leave my life forever.. remember u asked me if I would still hug u and kiss u even if u was pregnant from someone else and I said yes.. I would boobie.. I would always hold u no matter what..

Nearly lunch time.. although I have checked my emails I've done well not to read any of the old emails and try and remember what we once had.. I can't explain how lost I feel.. I been thinking about my jealousy and I think my main jealousy is that it's not me.. I wanted to be the one to spend rest of my life with her.. wake up with her every morning.. go travel the world together and that's what kills me the most.. she is my soulmate.. she was perfect for me in every way.. I do want her to be happy.. I just wanted it to be me the one to do that.. Nearly lunch time boobie.. what u gonna eat? did u sleep well? I didn't sleep too well boobie :-( I'm missing u so much.. I wish I could re-live that picture and be in the theatre again together watching lion king with you biting my cheek... I wanna stay in that moment for ever..

My God I am really struggling now.. I feel like I just wanna puke my guts out. it's moment like lunch times when we email each other that are hard.. why did it have to end like this :-( Boobie why? how can u not care about me anymore... u gave me all that love and just like that u took it away.. what was wrong with me? were u bored with me? why was u chatting to someone else whilst we was together.. why boobie.. u know how much it hurts why did u do this to me then?

Had bit of a wobble again and I had to go to the loo and sort myself out.. I suppose I have to get worse before I get better.. I will get over her.. I gave her so much and if she doesn't appreciate that so be it.. I loved her more that anything.. I don't care what she thinks of me.. I need to forgive myself that's the only way I'm gonna love myself.. and regardless of what boobie says. she only moved on because she's found someone better.. I need to remember that.. she dumped me.. she ended it. when all the times in the past she's begged me not to end it.. she was scared of being alone.. what she done now.. left me alone to pick up the pieces.. I hate my whole life.. my family.. my kids.. I don't even want to look at them.. I just look at them with hatred.. I am so angry.. I'm tempted to re-read my older posts and relive the conversations we've had.. I feel like i'm close to a mental breakdown.

I know I wouldn't but I been reading some of the older emails.. and now I really want to contact boobie.. I know nothing will change and that she has moved on.. but just to say that I forgive her.. and I hope she one day forgives me too and that we could be friends one day.. I really want to do this.. I wanna talk to her tonight now that I've had time to calm down and the dust has settled.. I've accepted that it's over.. but I'm not sure what to do now :-( I'm so lost without her.. I just want to say to u again boobie that I love u..

I wrote an email to boobie but didn't send it :-(

"Hello Boobie,

Hope ur ok? sorry I called the other day, just wanted to make sure ur ok. I know that's not my place anymore.  Old habits die hard I suppose.

Anyway I've had time to reflect and think things over the past few days.

I know I've hurt u Boobie and I've lied to you but I think you might understand how you do that without realising because you don't want to hurt the person you love.

I don't want you to think that I hate you and have that as our last leaving memory. I've accepted that you have moved on now and it's time you thought about urself and ur future.  U stuck by me through a lot and I appreciate it.

Obviously the news came as a shock and hit me really hard. I know it's selfish for me to keep you for myself when I can't even give you that.

I am not going to lie. I have been really struggling with this and I must admit you not saying it to my face made me feel really worthless. I know you had ur reasons.

U know I got so used to seeing you and then you saying we can't see each other anymore just like that well it just killed me.

I don't want to mess with your head or anything Boobie, I know how it feels to be with someone else if you still love someone else and it's not easy and not fair on them. I still feel like I'm cheating you even when I smile at my Wife. I need to let you go and I don't want you to think that because I've not kept contact that I've forgot about you or do not love you anymore. I don't think I'll ever stop loving you.  But maybe like you said one day when we are both in a happier place we could be genuine friends.

Hoobie"

Gonna log of work soon and go gym and then get ready to set off :-( it's gonna be a long drive and I'm gonna have to try so hard not to call her :-( I wish I was so much stronger.. God please give me strength..

Drive down wasn't too bad.. as I expected.. she didn't call.. I spoke to my housemate on the way down for most of it and I was ok.. However, he started talking about his lovelife and he sounded so excited and so happy and I miss that.. them early stages when ur getting to know someone.. when you get a text or u here from that person ur heart skips a beat.. that's what she must be experiencing now.. and that really got me down.. she didn't email to ask if i got down ok.. She knows I travel down on a Monday night. I have a 3 hour long drive, when i would normally spend the night with her..  It would have been 2 weeks now since we last made love.  I wonder if she misses my touch. Me kissing her, kissing her neck, back of her shoulders. my strong muscular arms around her holding her close to me.. me inside her.. filling her perfectly... we both finishing together.. we was so perfect for each other... never felt like that with anyone, the pure animal attraction... I actually felt like we made love and not just had sex..

well time to try and sleep. Not got my hopes up for much sleep tonight