So Monday 18th November. I knew today would be tough because normally Monday's is the day I would drive down to see her. I would love monday's I know strange but I couldn't wait for them because I know I'd be driving down to see her later on. The three hour drive down south was so much easier knowing that I would be in her arms soon, that we would embrace, kiss and make love to each other. But this Monday that wasn't gonna happen and I knew it was gonna be tough for me to cope.
Normally we would email each other when we woke up or got into work. But nothing like that today. Nothing, just complete silence. I was the first to give in and I emailed her. I asked her to send me of a picture of me and her together but she didn't respond. I just wanted a picture to remember our time together. I had pictures of her but nothing of us. I then emailed her again. I always promised her a love letter and this had become of a bit of a running joke between us about how I would always say my love letter was a work in progress and there wasn't enough ink and paper in the world to deal with how much I loved her. Anyway I didn't have the patience for a letter so I wrote a love email.. I wanted this pain to stop and I wanted her to see how much I loved her. She did respond but again she just replied back with how much I've hurt her over the past years and that she couldn't cope anymore and how I've broken her and she also had a go at me saying how dare I ask if she had met someone.
I responded back and I tried to be dignified and again apologised for all the pain I had caused her. I said maybe in time we could be friends again who knows. I again asked for that picture but she never responded.
I was hurt and frustrated. Again I thought this is it. I am not gonna give in and I am not going to be the one to make the first move. On my drive down south we would normally talk for hours and I thought I'm not gonna call her this time. That's it. It's over.
However, 3 hours driving alone in a car is a long time to be left with just your thoughts to keep you company. I held on for about 30 mins before I finally gave in and called her. She answered and said she was at her parents and that she would call me back when she got home. I was happy. At least she answered. At least I got to hear her voice. At least she wants to talk about it. Maybe she might change her mind. So I waited and waited for her to call me back and eventually she did.
So at the start we had some idle chat about what we've been upto and stuff over the weekend, like we normally would and I thought this is nice just like the way it was. I even think she laughed once but I can't be 100% sure on it. Maybe its what my head wanted to think. However, it wasn't long before we turned to the real topics at hand :-( my heart sank. I knew this wasn't going to be easy.
Over the years I've tried to explain to her my actions and why I've done certain things the way I did. I can't justify them but I always tried to do what I could to see her as often as I could and spend as much time with her as I can. Again we went over all the lies I have told her and how I've broken her :-( I know I'm not a good person but to be constantly reminded about it u start to believe it and I do feel like a monster that I am. But a monster that fell in love.
Anyhow it's nearly 7am now and my brain is bit fuzzy but I don't know how we got into the topic of what she did on Saturday and how I knew something wasn't quite right. I couldn't understand how she could go clubbing Saturday night and then on a Sunday morning I get an email to say it's all over. Surely going clubbing isn't the best place to make this decision. Unless you have met up with someone. Eventually somehow she told me that she been chatting to some chap that has liked her for some time and how she told him all about me and he said that he still liked her and wanted to be with her. Now it all started to make sense and it all started to click in place. I suppose I have answers now to why she was odd on Saturday because she was meeting up with him and she made her distant from me to not go through the guilt. I was totally heartbroken at this point whilst driving in the night. I was hurt and I was really angry. I asked her if she liked him too and she said yes. and I asked if she had been chatting to him and she said yes. So while we were together she was getting to know someone. I was furious at this point. trust me when I say I have no room to talk when it comes to cheating but this felt awful. So she hid and lied to me about stuff just as I had done. then she has the right to give me lectures about lying. How she made me feel like shit. Made me feel like it was all my fault and I am not saying I am totally blameless in this. I do have a very contributing factor to our break up but to let me live the rest of life with the pain and regret that this was all my fault that it ended. When surely her finding someone else that could give her that future and security she wanted that I couldn't provide. I told her that all that stuff she said to make me feel bad the past day or two was just her way to justify her own guilt because she obviously had been lying to me too. We argued a lot.. and we eventually said our goodbyes and said that this was it.. I asked her if this chap went clubbing with her and she said no.. and I left it at that. Normally we would talk for my entire journey but I still had about 40 mins left and said she had to go..
Again 40 mins alone in the car, angry, hurt is a long time and the entire conversation and everything kept spinning in my head.. I eventually got to my housemates, he wasn't at home he was still on holiday so I was all alone with no one on a cold dark day.
As I sat in the bedroom alone, I still had so many holes and answers that I couldn't understand and I was still really pissed off that she didn't even break up with me to my face. After all these years she didn't even give me that much. She claimed to have loved me so much but then to break up with me on email, surely that's not right.
I had questions and I do what most men do when they want answers, I went on Facebook. I'm not on facebook and I don't have a profile. I created a false account and I tried to see any pics or any clues about that night. It's not my proudest moment but I was hurt and I didn't know what else to do.. it wasn't gonna achieve anything, in fact just made it worse. I went through her profile and lots of her family and friends and even the new chap but it was all privacy and I couldn't see much at all. I then sent a few friends request to some of the people I thought might have gone out that night. Including the new chap. I know this wasn't good and not my proudest moment. But I wouldn't have done anything to jeopordise he new relationship. I just had some questions and when it comes to lying I knew she wasn't telling the full extent of what happened. I called her anyway at middle of the night about 12 it was, angry and unable to sleep. I tried twice and she didn't answer.. Why not.. is she with her new bloke already.. why is she not fucking answering!!!! why did she not talk to me all the way. she said she had to go.. was he coming over to see her.. what the fuck was going on.. she didn't even check to ask if i got to my housemates ok.. does she not fucking care anymore.. I left her a voicemail saying that she's lied to me and I know that the chap went out clubbing too.. I didn't have proof but it didn't make sense otherwise. She called me back straight away and from her response and her tone of voice I knew I was right. It was exactly how I would have said it and tried to deny it.. I been lying for years and if there is one thing I do know when someone is hiding something from me.. We argued and what not and ended our conversation.. again say that's it.. it's the end...
I tried to sleep that night.. not very well.. I kept waking up every so often.. checked my phone my emails to see if she has replied or responded but there was nothing and absolutely nothing. I tried not to think of images of her with this other bloke all happy with there new found love. enjoying life... but I couldn't and I could sympathise with what I put her through but I had my reasons that I explained. I tried to focus on any little thing positive in my life and cling on to them thoughts and it did work but eventually the pictures kept creeping back in... I couldn't wait for the morning to get up and get to work.. I need a distraction or something to keep me occupied...
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