Day 8

Sunday 24th November..

Just woke up managed to get little more sleep last night.. woke up a few times in the night to check my emails.. hoping and praying she might have emailed me.. about 6 am I couldn't sleep so played a little candy crush and fell back asleep again.. LOL fucking hate it when I run out of lives on candy crush.. that half hour wait feels like forever..

So last Sunday we broke up.. or more like she ended our relationship.. for a new guy..  I try and not be bitter about it but I can't help it..

I'm not sure the pain is getting any less or my heart is just getting used to the pain.. feels like it's been constantly punched every single heart beat.. and after a while u get used to that pain.. I try and think about boobie and wonder if she is ok.. I really do care so fucking much about her.. I only wish she knew how much.. and her thinking that I've not made contact or anything means like I don't care.. I'm fucking going crazy about her..

I'm gonna go gym soon and then football later.. I don't know how the hell I'm gonna find the strength to do all that.. I've not ate enough to do all that activity.. but I suppose I can use the pain, the anger to fuel my body...  she'd ask what I'm gonna train and to stretch before football.. I'd always complain my legs ache after.. LOL.. we would normally chat on my way to football.. that would always be nice to have that chat.. and then sometimes chat on the way back too..

i wonder if she bothers to check her emails anymore.. does she even think about me.. I don't know what to believe..  I wish we could talk and try and work something out. we would always do anything to keep our relationship going.. I really love her.. Emotionally I gave her everything.. I've never let anyone in.. always kept up a defence.. Built a wall round my heart.. never let anyone in.. I let her in and that wall has rebuilt and now I can't let her out.. wish I could break that fucking wall down and kick her fucking ass out..

I did something stupid... I called boobie on the way too football.. I know I shouldn't have but I just wanted to hear a voice and know she is ok.. grrrr what a prick.. she didn't answer :-( she didn't email me either.. thought she might be busy or something which is why she didn't answer.. now I feel so low and feel like shit.. I cried most of my way there.. I had to sit a while in the car to calm myself down and get myself together for football.. well least that confirms that she doesn't wanna know me anymore.. that's it she's gone.. just like that.. out of my life for good.. I know someday she will remember me.. she must do.. we been a part of each other's lives so much and for so long.. I think that's it.. I suppose it is the final nail in the coffin.. I just thought maybe if I talked to her just to say hello just to show I haven't forgot about her..

I really need to start sorting my life out now and try and forget boobie.. we had a good three years but that's it it's over now.. I thought we would last forever.. I don't think I could ever let anyone love me again..

just need to take each day at a time.. each hour at a time and try and get through this.. I know I can do this.. I know I have it in me.. I really loved u boobie.. I promise u no one else will ever love u as much as I did..

Gonna watch some comedies or something and try and cheer myself up.. boobie would love it when I did laugh but like a proper deep laugh.. she loved so many little things about me.. maybe the hurt and pain has blinded her.. hopefully one day she will remember them :-) fingers crossed..

Time seems to go slow without her.. every second seems to drag like forever.. I know time will help heal this pain but it doesn't fucking help it goes so slow.. I think I've been putting undue pressure on myself to get better and not feel this way.. I know it's gonna be a long journey and take each day at a time.. I've been reading a lot about coping about heartbreak and I can see it's normal for me to feel the way I have been.. the anger, the pain, the despair.. people do say they eventually do get better.. so there is hope for me.. however, i don't want getting better to mean I forget her.. all though this hurts like mad I do love the time we had together.. we have laughed lots and spent some amazing time together.. I do wish I remember them.. just natural for me to feel the way I am..

Actually looking forward to work tomorrow and keeping myself distracted.. not looking forward to the drive down tomorrow without talking to her and knowing I'll be not seeing her.. like I read online it's that routine and everything that I need to get used to not having.. just like the emailing.. so bloody addictive.. it's like the most addictive drug ever..  when I've been in pain for the past 3 years she's been my rock the person I would talk too and now she's not there..

I'm gonna try and not read any of the old emails anymore.. of course I'll always check my emails.. just in the slight hope I might get that email.. until then it's just u and me.. my boobie in my brain..  hope u don't get bored..

Heartbreak is a bitch!!! I must admit not a big fan of love anymore.. love bloody sucks :-(

nite nite xx