Day 5

Thursday 21st November

so it's about 6am now and I'm wide awake.  I managed to get a better sleep last night.  I think it was the exhaustion.  But soon as mind becomes a little active and I start thinking of her I can't switch back off. I'm shaking right now now like my whole body is quivering but I do not feel cold or anything. I really miss her.. I've checked my emails soon as I woke up and still nothing.  Will I ever stop checking? Will I get used to the fact that she is not going to contact me anymore. that it's over.. that she's no longer mine :-(

It'll almost be a week in a few hours since I was last with her... that I last saw her... who was I to know that would be the last time I would ever see her.. I wish I could just go back a week now and take it all in and just hold her and tell her how much I miss her and how much I love her and how much she means to me... would that have made any difference.. I'm not sure... I think at that point she was already having serious doubts about our relationship. even earlier maybe.. just not the courage to tell me.. how awful for her to be stuck in a relationship she was unhappy with... that she put up a front just to keep me happy.. but inside she was hurting and in pain.. for over 5 months she said she has done that.. it would just be nice to go back and just have that hug, that kiss knowing that would be my last.. I never knew that.. always assumed there would be more to come :-( always assumed it would never really end... and here I am in bed writing this journal to try and cope with her losing her.

I got a three hour journey back home today after work and I know that is gonna be really tough to be alone with my thoughts.  Again we would chat most of my journey.. I don't think I'll be getting any calls from her on my way back up.. I wonder is she'll ask me if I got home fine.. probably not.. Does she care.. I think so.. I think inside she is dying to know if I'm ok and I got home fine.. but I have to assume she doesn't..

I wonder how she slept? if she is awake now.. if she feels the way I feel.. from when we last chatted she didn't sound hurt or in pain.. she sounded cold hearted.. she had lost all love for me and I suppose that will make it easier for her to cope...

I think I'll play some games on my phone and surf the net and go on twitter on my phone before I start getting ready for work... I'll probably check my emails about 50 times during that time just in the hope that she might say Good Morning...

9:15.. Just got into work.. late again :-( and still no email...  God this is not easy to take.. I managed to fall asleep again which is good but just about when my alarm was about to go off.. I had to snooze a few times and again I didn't shower..  I look a mess and I feel a mess.. it's cold and raining today.. I hope boobie has wrapped up properly and driving carefully too.. I hope she managed to sleep well..  I am starting to feel sick.. the realisation that it's all over and I'm not gonna see her again.. it's really starting to sink in now.. the little hope I may have had that I can still win her back that she can be mine again is starting to dwindle away each second and that's being replaced by feelings of despair.. I don't know what to do.. I feel totally lost without her..  I would ask God for help but I don't deserve it..

I feel so alone boobie :-( Please come back to me.. u promised me you'd never leave me.. that you'd always be there for me.. where are you now!!!! why are you not here to help me get better..

I feel like emailing her and saying ok let's be friend but please let's not lose touch.. I don't wanna lose her as a friend.. she can tell me all about her life.. but I know it'll be hard for me to stomach when she talks about him.. and I know it'll be even harder for her to talk about him to me too.. then she'll start getting feeling of guilt around him.. because she'll know how much I'm hurting.. I know all this boobie..  I hope if you ever read this it will help you understand why I wasn't so upfront about stuff at home.. it's not easy talking about stuff that you will know hurt the person u love and care about.. I think u'll understand that now.. maybe someday forgive me for hiding and lying about stuff..

13:45 now.. Got back from Lunch and no emails from Boobie.. it's been over 24 hours now since we last made contact..  I been thinking about her a lot.. what I would say to her if she called.. try and not bring the past up and try and stay positive for her.. I'm sure this is as just as tough for her..  I been working with my other colleagues so it has helped take my mind off things but it's times like lunch time where I just drift off and think of her.. I wasn't even listening to whatever conversations the guys were having.. just thinking about her and if she had ate and if she's ok.. wondering if I get back to my desk would I have an email waiting for me like yesterday...  I've not been able to eat much at all the past few days.. my appetite is totally gone.. I'm still annoyed that she hasn't said goodbye to my face and although she has explained why in her last email I'm still upset that I've not been given that much at least.  I remember she met up with her ex when she split up with him and gave him that.. why not me?

I have some good news.  I been looking at some old emails and found the picture that I asked her for :-D yeaaaahhh.. that has cheered me up a little.. I was tempted to forward that email on to her and say HAHA I've found it.. LOL but I'll just celebrate on here instead.. :-P

15:53 - I'll be setting off pretty soon and I'm starting to feel down again.. I been re-reading some of the past emails and just the ones of the Friday 2 days before we broke up..  I think I'm breaking my heart over and over again by re-reading these and the more I look at them and analyse them the more I think she was having dinner with the new chap that evening.. most likely I'm wrong..  but she wasn't really responding with much.. and then 9:23pm was her last email saying she just ate and had a glass of wine too.. and then I didn't get anything back until about 12:43 am saying sorry she fell asleep on the sofa downstairs.. I'm sure that's not true.. I know boobie and she doesn't nap for that long.. there's something not quite right.. but why am I torturing myself over and over again by reading this.. what's that gonna change.. I wanna call her and ask her what she was doing that night and did she lie to me about that too.. I suppose the more I hurt the quicker I will stop loving her and start to get my life back.. can't believe she did this to me..

16:22 - Gonna pack up now and get ready to set off soon.. what can I say except that I am fucking fuming right now.. not the right frame of mind for my drive back home.. I was earlier wishing and hoping that she might call me on the way up.. I really hope she doesn't now.. I think I'll just end up getting angry and shouting.. why would she call u anyway.. u DICK.. she's moved on now.. time u fucking man up and get over her..

Home now and no phone calls or emails from boobie..  not even asked me if I got home fine.. does she not care at all anymore..  I know she probably thinks I'm angry and don't want to hear from her.. and I suppose some of that is right but I'd still like to see that she cares about me... but nothing.. I'm gutted.. she's not even trying or even making an attempt to try and stay friends at least.. I know I would still email her.. oh well it's not in my control why am I even thinking about it..

I been thinking about this on the drive up and I thought if anyone did read this must think bad of boobie and I don't want that.. like I said at the start I'm the bad guy here.. boobie has her reasons.. I know them. she knows them.. This blog is for me.. I'm just describing my raw emotions at whenever I feel like I need to let out some steam to help me cope.. it has helped I think and sometimes I think I am writing to my boobie..the boobie I fell in love with and the one that loved me.. like they say they are 2 sides to every story and this is my story..  this is how I'm handling losing her.. I don't know how she is coping... what I've said may or may not be true.. I don't know.. I think it's just human nature to think the worse .. I suppose its a defence to stop u getting hurt again..

I've been watching quite bit of TV while i've been home.. I've watched masterChef.. LOL boobie would laugh and get a little bit jealous of my fascination with Michelle Roux Jr. LOL I loved it that she got a little jealous that I fancied him a little bit..  they are little things like that I miss of my boobie..  I've also watched I'm a celebrity get me out of here.. I know boobie likes this too.. and Carlton is in it.. how cool :-) I know we would have been chatting about this..

I wonder if she will email at all.. even to ask if I'm ok.. I can't understand how someone who could care so much about me and would be desperate for me to let her know when I got home safe and go crazy thinking about my route.. where abouts I am.. what time roughly I got home not give a damn anymore.. maybe she does maybe she doesn't.. maybe she got more important things to deal with.. It'll be the first time in ages since we have not contacted each other all day.. the last time was the emails on Wednesday afternoon which I have read and re-read again and again.. I wonder if she is re-reading them too?

I do still miss her so badly. but I think I would say I miss my boobie.. the old one.. not the woman that broke my heart.. and I suppose she must feel the same about me too.. maybe the old hoobie and boobie are up in the clouds together eating chocolates and making frowny faces at us.. that's a nice image :-) I think I'll try and sleep tonight with that image in my head.. hopefully that will stick and I get a better nights sleep..  fingers crossed..

I've tried to keep awake as long as possible just in the hope that she might email me... but there has been nothing..