Day 4

So I been awake writing in this blog for the past few hours.. I don't know if it has helped or not but it has kept me distracted I suppose that that is good..

My friend recommended writing a journal last night but I can't always carry a book with me to write either.. What am I hoping to achieve.. well nothing really.. There is nothing to achieve.. just to try and cope with losing her..  Will anyone read this.. I don't know.. probably not.. it may help someone when they are facing difficult times too..

Honestly I am hoping somehow.. someday she stumbles across this blog and realise how much she meant to me and how much I miss her.. I can't tell her that now because I have to let her go and let her move on and get on with her life.. For once I need to stop being selfish and suffer the pain for someone elses happiness..  It's hard though.. I keep imagining her and the new man.. going out on dates.. being happy.. getting married.. going on honeymoon.. having all the things I wanted but because of circumstances I couldn't provide to her..  Hopefully it will get easier.. Hopefully..

maybe one day maybe in a year or two time I could send her a link to this blog.. But not for sometime.. she needs to move on and I can't do anything now to mess with her head.. I need to sort myself out now..  Accept that she has moved on and that she the most amazing thing that ever happened to me has moved on..

So I am now upto speed where I am at my life.. it's 8:15 now and I am really late and gotta get ready for work.. I managed to get about 4 hours sleep last night.. so that's something at least.. Tonight will be tough again coz we would normally meet up on Wednesdays too.. and if we don't contact at all each other today it'll be the first time in ages since we haven't contacted each other for a full day for ages..  She'd be at work already now.. she starts at 8.. normally I'd get an email when she does get to work but again nothing today.. suppose what I have to get used to..  Hopefully I get time today to express my thoughts at work and later this evening.

So I just got to work.. I didn't have a shower.. I was too late.. but I don't smell too bad I think.. Or I think so anyway.. well nothing a little deodrant can't mask.. LOL..  I suppose you gotta try and keep your sense of humor.. God's the biggest comedian of all.. Giving me a soulmate and taking her away from me..  I wasn't gonna go gym after work but my housemate suggested I do it might help me take my mind off a few things and feel better..  I used to go to the gym to look good for her in bed..that was always my motivation and with her gone is there any point anymore..  I don't have that drive anymore.. I suppose I should do it for myself but I don't love myself enough to do it for me..  I'll suppose I'll see how I feel later on..  Still no email :-( I really need to get used to this..  I'm gonna try and stay off Facebook today.. I don't want to become that person.. I am crazy about her but I'll use this to outlet as much as I can.. the weather is gray and miserable just how I feel.. I wonder how boobie is.. I hope she is ok.. I wish I could ask her and find out.. I really want to but she probably has her new man to check up on her now.. who am I to ask... time for work

So just got back from lunch.. I've been trying to be chirpy as I can and trying to talk as much people as I can.. be the work clown.. where as inside I am in pain and I am hurt..

I have some good news in that Boobie has emailed me... I don't know how I feel about it.. in a way I am happy but in a way I'm still hurt that it doesn't change anything.. It still means it is over and that still hurts... I do miss her.. I miss her embrace her touch and just being able to contact her, write whatever I wanted and not think twice... it will never be like that again.. it'll always have to be thought out.. her email was nice and she did say it would be nice to be friends.. I'm not sure I could do that when she is with another person and its annoying I have no room to complain on that issue..  I don't know whether to respond or just leave it and let it be..  I know I have to let go and I'm not sure if emailing her would open up my wounds again and maybe hers.. I do feel some comfort that I can say what I truely feel here.. I don't want to dwell on issues she has raised and I want to be dignified in my response.. I suppose I will give it a while before I think about responding.. I do still care about her and I do love her.. I'm not sure if I forgive her just yet.. I am still angry I think inside.. aaaah this is confusing... I don't know what to feel..

OK well I gave in and replied back.. I think I was dignified in my response and I wished her the best for the future. I also apologised about trying to contact the new chap on Facebook and various other things over the past few days.  I don't want to get into the habit of expecting her email every minute or so.. I think maybe I am starting to come to terms with the situation and accept that it is truely over and do what's best for both of us.  I do miss her still and I wanted to shout from the roof tops how much I do love her still but I don't think that was gonna achieve anything.  Maybe I made a mistake.. Maybe I shouldn't have replied. Maybe she'll never contact me again but I need to come to terms with it.. oh well only time will tell if I regret what I did.. with my mind frame at the moment I can't tell from right or wrong..

it's 3pm now and it's been about an hour and a half since I last emailed her.  I am starting to feel really exhausted now.. the lack of sleep is starting to catch up with me.. and the email I don't know if I said enough or not.. I so much want to keep having a conversations with her and be friends but I don't think that will help me and I think deep down inside I am still angry and I think any further conversation would just end up us arguing again and me saying something I later regret.  I just hope that she is ok, I am still concerned for her.. I wanna ask her if she's been eating and sleeping properly. How's work and what she's been upto.. will it ever return to that? or will we slowly continue to drift apart and I feel like that process has already begun.. I don't really know the person she is anymore and I don't think she ever understood me either.  Continually lying hasn't helped my cause.  She must have mistrusted every little thing I've ever told her..  I do know that I did and do genuine love her.. and I don't think that will change anytime soon.. part of me hopes that it will always last and I always have some love for her.  Have struggled to really focus on work now and I can't concentrate.. I've been re-reading her email and my response about 20 times already... analysing every single detail and I think that's silly of me and I need to stop that now.. I'm looking forward to leaving work but dreading being alone, its then when I am alone with my thoughts that I find the hardest..

arrggggh I'm driving myself crazy.. I been re-reading some of the previous emails from when we broke up and I think it's just open my wounds and really hurting inside.. I remember telling boobie not to analyse every single detail so much but I suppose when u've been hurt you can't help it..  I want to delete the emails to resist the temptation to re-read them again.. but I think they may do me some good to remind me why I am not keeping contact... I just read the line "I want to be happy, that's all. I'm not happy with u anymore hoobie, I'm broken." I need to remember this and let her find that happiness and not think about my own.. 

Well time to log off work now.. again she'd email me when she left work :-( I'd let her know.. I need to stop thinking what she is upto now.. where she is going.. what she is doing for rest of the evening..  Will she miss me? I would normally drive over after gym and she'd cook for me :-) we would eat, chat, watch tv or even a movie.. it would be simple but nice.. well to me anyway.. but she has told me she's been living a lie for the past 5 months.. she wasn't happy..  OK well gonna try and hit the gym and then make my way to my housemates rather than to hers tonight :-( I feel sick..  

about 8:30 pm now and I'm Really starting to struggle now.. I want to contact her so badly.. I wanna call her and talk to her..  see what she is upto.. :-( I am really missing her.. I thought I was starting to come to terms with things and maybe could see some progress but I realise I'm still not further on.. I'm hoping maybe she'll call me tonight and we can have a little chat... but then again what do I say without my jealousy anger coming through.. She's probably chatting to the new guy anyway.. what would she want with me.. No need to email and all that secrecy... Just whatsapp, text, call, facetime whenever u like.. I could never give her that.. I was so much hard work.. I'm really upset now.. it'll be a week since I last saw her and it looks like I'm unlikely to ever see her again either.. my heart is beating fast now and my mind is all over the place.. I need to stop thinking about her but how, when everything I want to tell her about.. what I'm watching right now.. what I trained in gym.. what I ate.. I suppose I could still say that all on here and pretend that I am emailing her.. maybe that would help me with that void of not getting in contact with her.. 

I still can't believe it's been less than a week we were together.. so much has happened since then :-( my eyes are starting to ache now and I feel a headache getting worse.. She'd have gave me a frowny face and said I need to take medicine and I don't look after myself.. I should be with her right now.. I keep looking at her pics and I want to see her.. I wonder if she is looking at any of my pics.. or has she maybe deleted them all already.. I don't know and I think that's the hardest thing to deal with the not knowing.. I suppose I still want her to be hurting too and missing me.. I think that's natural.. thinking of me.. not sure if that is the case.. I think tonight isn't gonna be easy too. 

Gonna head for bed soon.. no phone call.. no emails.. nothing... I really want her back.. I want everything the way they was :-( why did i have to fuck everything up... I'm starting to fall asleep on the sofa.. I thought this journal would help me but I'm not sure it is.. why doesn't she just call me :-( she knows how stubborn I am and I won't now... how can I call.. I'm no longer hers to call whenever I like.. I been going through things again over and over in my head and I gotta remember I hurt her and she has hurt me too.. she has been chatting to him to this guy.. whilst we was together.. and I have to keep reminding myself that to help me get through this.. we are better off apart... it's not the memory I would want to treasure of her but it's all I got that's gonna help me get through this period now.. I think that's all for tonight.. I'm not holding any hope of any further contact from her from now on unless I make the first move.. maybe on xmas.. she might have deactived the personal email account we use by then... nite nite and sweet dreams to boobie too xxx