Day 12

Thursday 28 November 2013

7:20 am right now.. been trying to sleep for the past hour or so but it ain't happening.. thought I'd write in here before I get ready for work... managed to get some good sleep..  I'll be 2 weeks now since I last saw boobie.. I wonder if she thinks that too.. anyway I am sick and tired of thinking about her.. I was dreaming about the conversation we may have if we would meet up but I am still really angry.. I know this anger isn't good for me but I can't help it..

You know what pains me the most is the feeling of being discarded.. that's how I feel.. just like that.. like I meant nothing.. everything else I can understand but I can't shake that off.. that really hurts.. makes me question every single thing..

I been listening lot the the Eamon song Fuck It (I don't want you back) .. I been listening to it on repeat at work and occasionally at night too when I'm struggling to sleep.. it just reminds me why I don't want her back.. I know it's just how I feel right now.. maybe in a month or 2 I'm hopefully in a better place..

My housemate is out on a date tonight.. :-( great stuff.. so i'll be home alone this evening.. I feel sorry for him.. he wants to tell me all about it.. he's excited but I've had to tell him no I can't please.. and instead he's had to listen to me sob and feel sorry for myself..

sometimes I think me and boobie could eventually be friends again.. that we will one day meet up for a coffee and have a good long chat.. laugh and smile.. but then I think do I really want that... do I really want this person back in my life.. a person that discarded u just like that soon as she got someone else.. that didn't even give u the decency to say it to ur face.. to say thank u for the past few years and to say goodbye.. I don't think I do.. She doesn't deserve my time or my energy.. There are other people who I should be giving that too.. people that have stuck by me, even though I been a complete prick..

One positive is I don't have to lie anymore to my family about where I am.. I don't feel as paranoid.. but I would change that in a second to be with boobie again.. well I would have..

Yeah I've made it into work before 9 today :-) hopefully I can get the launch done today.. that'll make me feel better.. trying to not think about boobie today.. not even gonna do my pretend emails to her today

lunch time.. haven't gone down for lunch yet.. will go soon.. feeling really tired.. had a meeting and I couldn't stop thinking about her.. I re-read her last email that she ever sent me.. our last communication to each other..  I just feel so frustrated and annoyed that it's ended like this.. I knew it had to end eventually.. but like this.. us as strangers.. I thought I'd always be there for her and she'd be likewise.. but I suppose it doesn't always work like that in reality..  I am finding it really hard today and I know this evening is not going to be easy too.. I have no one down here except her and my housemate.. I lost all my friends for her.. any life I had down here is all gone.. I feel empty and alone..

Think i'm on my 4th coffee of the day :-| I've only had soup today.. and I feel stuffed.. I have salad with me too but I don't think I can quite stomach it yet.. not driving up north tonight.. boobie won't know that.. gonna spend an extra night down south and go back up on Saturday morning.. I keep having day dreams about if boobie did call what would be talk about.. would it just be an awkward silence? would we argue or would we just keep it civilised..

I think women can sense I'm heart broken because I am noticing a lot more smiles.. maybe they are trying to cheer me up because I look sad.. maybe they can see the pain in my eyes.. I don't know.. or maybe I've never really took any notice of it before..  to be honest I have no urges or attention to be with any other woman right now.. I have a wife at home that I have treated badly for years.. I need to start making it up with her.. use this experience to make me a better husband.. maybe that was God's plan.. make me realise what true love is and not this fake bubble animalistic love that I had with boobie.. I know I will have to try hard to try and give her affection.. it was always hard work and forced.. never came naturally like it did with boobie..

16:30 - Nearly end of the day..  well I might just hang around for an hour before I set off to go gym...  I don't know how I feel right now.. I think I feel numb.. which I suppose isn't a bad way to feel.. can't feel the pain and hurt that way.. thinking of boobie and the new guy and thinking u know so what I don't really care to be honest.. if she is happy with him then that's great.. it doesn't really affect my life anymore.. it's not like I'm ever gonna hear or see from boobie ever again :-) that used to make me feel sad but u know what she couldn't even see me to say goodbye.. I don't really wanna see her.. Good bye boobie mwaaaah thanks for the memories..

:-( struggling again.. so tough not keeping contact.. I am so tempted to contact her but I can't .. I can't i can't ;'-(  must stay strong.. come on hoobie u fucking prick.. u meant nothing to her.. fucking stop thinking about her..

ok time to go bed soon.. thinking positive.. another day I've got through.. another day I get stronger.. another day I am getting closer to happiness again :-) and to be fair considering I was on my own this evening I have done well I think.. feeling bit peckish now.. all I've had is soup and salad today.. I'll try and eat more tomorrow... lets hope I get a good night sleep tonight.. nite nite and sweet dreams xxx