Day 7

Saturday 23rd November

So it's been a week since we've broke up... this time last week she knew she'd be going to meet him.. she kept distant to me all that day.. wondering, thinking if everything is ok.. I can still remember that lump in my throat.. knowing when something is not right but u think don't be silly don't  be paranoid.. she just busy.. she's out.. let her enjoy herself..

well last night was eventful, I managed to fall a sleep.. but something woke me up and I all of a sudden panicked and woke up.. try to find my phone but it wasn't there by my side.. my wife had it.. she's going through my phone again.. I asked her to give my phone back which she did... I then tried to ignore it and go back to sleep.. but she started crying.. she said to me.. u still love her.. u still miss her don't u.. I know she hasn't seen this blog or my email account with her emails.. she could just tell from my face.. she could see that I was heartbroken.. I said boobie's name.. and she said yes.. I didn't respond.. I just said please just let me back to sleep..  she started crying more and said you never loved me the way u loved her.. the way u was happy with her.. she's right.. I never did and I never will..  she then said to me.. I wish I could be her.. I couldn't keep u happy like she did..  I didn't respond.. I didn't want to break down in front of her.. I just closed my eyes tightly as I can and tried to block it all out.. I did fall asleep again and I managed to get lot more sleep... Even my wife knows how much I loved and miss boobie.. she knows how strong my feelings are for her.. how I risked everything to be with her.. she knows that more than boobie herself does... she has to deal with living the rest of her life with a husband that doesn't love her.. I think she's accepted that.. the monster in me found some comfort in that even she knows that I loved boobie.. she saw that.. and I know my love for her was true :-)

I must admit I do feel bit better this morning.. I keep thinking about boobie and wondering if she is ok.. if she is missing me.. I like to think so.. but then I remember that she's with someone else now.. I know I'm with someone else too...she's been chatting to someone whilst we was together.. someone she had feelings for.. someone she liked.. someone she was sharing her feelings with.. probably talking about me and how much I've lied to her.. how much of a monster I am.. she poured her heart out to this man.. told him everything about our relationship..  another man..  I keep thinking about her ex and my wife and how when we was together u have no consideration for the other person.. I don't think it's deliberate.. u just block it out.. love is blind as they say.. u don't see their hurt, their anguish..

the weather is sunny and bright today.. we would have asked each other about the weather.. I would come with some cheesy line saying that she is smiling which is why the sun is out :-) and maybe she is smiling.. maybe now she is happy.. she's no longer in pain.. I suppose that is good.. just coz I am doesn't mean she has to be too.. that's not gonna achieve anything..

I'm gonna try and go gym today.. she's ask me what i would train and make sure I've stretched loads.. she cared for me so much.. how could it all just disappear like that.. in a space of a few days..  I'm gonna go shopping later and maybe getting out the house might make me feel more better and start rebuilding myself..

Will i ever be friends with boobie.. I'd like to think so oneday.. Once all this pain has gone and all that love for her has left me.. then I could be a genuine friend.. as for now.. I'm still just the jealous ex pycho lover..  just a small chapter of her life.. in a few years I'll just be a distant memory.. I hope that chapter for me fades too and I can start with a new chapter..

Just back from gym... had some soup and a quick shower.. got ready a little to go out shopping.. my big sis is coming too so that'll be nice.. I'm forcing myself better.. the more I try and not think about her the more I do..  I trained just a little chest today.. boobie would like it when I trained chest.. she'd love resting her head on it when we'd sleep.. she'd play with my hairy chest.. LOL she was a little strange.. I got so much to tell her.. so much I could really need her now to talk about.. stuff that she would listen and give me some advice..  Boobie I hope ur eating properly.. what did u have for lunch? did u have breakfast? u better bloody have.. I'm watching football. Everton and playing Liverpool.. remember x-factor is on later on tonight.. wonder if she'll watch it..

Home now.. been really struggling.. been trying to stay strong but I can't stop thinking about her.. everything reminds me of her.. I want her back so badly.. I miss her so badly.. I want to email her and tell her that I miss her.. I really love her.. Boobie why did u break my heart :-( why boobie.. I thought u loved me.. My sis hasn't seen me for a few days was like are u ok.. I was like yeah.. she goes looks like u been crying :-( what do I say to her.. I just said I've not been sleeping well.. I can't eat, I can't sleep.. I'm just lost.. it's only been a week.. will this get any easier.. will this pain go away.. I pray to god please give me strength.. I don't even want to think what boobie might be upto..  I wonder if she is thinking about me..

Boobie I got the secret santa gift.. it was packed out boobie.. bloody hell I just wanted to get out of there.. I got a cool like table air hockey game..  I think u would like it.. we'd have good fun playing that.. I went over to my mum and dads after and watched the Doctor Who Special.. it was good but i missed u boobie :-( nothing is nice without u.. Boobie please make this pain go away.. please boobie please I beg u.. why :-(

Boxing is on now.. Froch vs Groves.. I'm just reading it on bbc sport.. I think it's pay per view.. looks like it should be a good fight..

Feeling sick.. and feel exhausted..  gotta take the pills soon and hopefully wake up tomorrow slightly stronger... not just for myself but for boobie too.. I know this will be tough for her too and I need to stay strong for her.. I just want to know I'm thinking of her and I don't think I'll ever stop loving her.. maybe in the next life eh boobie.. u better be mine!!!! nite nite and sweet dreams xx i love u xxx