Day 14

Saturday 30th November

well the night out didn't go to plan.. It was good I opened to my friends and told them everything.. stuff I've kept hidden for years I've let them know.. it was good to get that off my chest.. It felt a great relief and I think they could see how hurt I am and how much I loved boobie.. :-(

LOL we was meant to go out but becuase I've not ate or slept properly.. I got too drunk even before we went out.. I was puking my guts out and everything and nothing was coming out because I've hardly ate for a few weeks :-( they found it pretty funny.. I was still in my shirt and tie.. I fell asleep in the bathroom with my head on the toilet seat.. I beg one of my mates to call boobie.. I cried and begged him to call her.. I gave him her number.. I just said call her.. she'll know what to do and how to look after me :( but he never did.. I was so angry with him I wanted to hit him.. they put me to sleep.. I think it was only 10 and I zonked out.. with my head still spinning.. tears in my eyes... the taste of puke still in my mouth.. I woke up at 6am.. it's the first solid sleep I've had in ages.. only if I could drink everynight..  when I got up my legs still were uneasy and I nearly fell over.. I managed to get changed into my pyjamas.. I looked for my phone and it was still downstairs where I had left it.. I went downstairs and first thing I checked was to see if Boobie had emailed me.. she hadn't.. I then went back up and tried to go back to sleep.

I then got out of bed about 8ish and tidied up a little.. there was no toothpaste to even wash out the taste of puke from my mouth.. I watched some tv and listened to some songs..  I could feel the hurt and anger returning today.. I couldn't understand how yesterday I was more at ease today I was angry again.. one of my friends stayed over the night.. he eventually woke up.. I apologised for getting so drunk last night and that I ruined our night out.. he was genuine and said it was ok.. we had coffee and chatted for a while.. I asked him if he ever had a heartbreak and we shared some stories.. He then played the guitar and we sang a few songs... Green Day hope you had the time of your life was really good and kinda struck a note with me.. he then tried to teach me a few chords but because of my huge nails I couldn't really do it.. but I can see it as being a great release and something I might start doing.. so will start asking my housemate to teach me a few chords.. take some lessons and hopefully get my own guitar too :-)

We went to get some breakfast in town and we chatted and it was nice.. I enjoyed that I could be open with him.. we went back home and I packed and set off for the drive back up.. wondering what boobie might be upto.. how things have changed so quickly.. the person I knew and love now seems like someone else.. I tried not to think of her on my drive up..

I got home for about 4ish.. it was my nephew and my older bro birthday party today.. I wasn't really in the mood but I thought it'll be good to spend as much time with my family as I can.. my elder sis wanted me to dance..I wasn't really in the mood.. I was feeling sick and i was missing boobie so badly.. I was tempted to email her.. I want to know if she is ok :-( god I love her so much.. I miss her so much.. I checked my emails constantly but there was nothing..  I had a little dance coz my sis kept asking and I thought least it would cheer her up.. I did enjoy dancing a little and getting lost in the moment. but I missed boobie.. I wanted to tell her all about it.. how I was shaking my booty :-(

I watched some programme about compute games on channel 4 with my bro.. that finished at 11 and then I cam home.. I've not had a chance to write in my journal since last night and I know I needed this release get this off my chest coz it was killing me.. and I fell all agitated.. I needed to get my feelings out before they start to eat me up inside.. my feelings of boobie are mixed.. my mind is going crazy..  I hope I manage to sleep.. it's 11:52pm now.. I got football tomorrow.. 2 weeks now since me and boobie have broke up... only 2 weeks... seems like the longest 2 weeks of my life.. I want to be happy and forget boobie.. but there is part of me that refuses to coz I feel like I'm cheating her by doing that.. I want her to know how much I'm hurting and in pain and she can feel that pain.. and just ask if I'm ok.. it's not gonna happen :-( I miss u boobie..

Going to listen to a few songs now.. and then try and get some sleep.. not gonna take the sleeping pills tonight.. gonna see if I can sleep without them.. fingers crossed.. Good night hoobie.. have a little pray that God gives me a boobie free sleep.. ameeeeen

Day 13

Friday 29/11/2013

Grrrr Boobie I'm such a divvy.. I forgot to take my laptop to the other office today..  so I got there and then had to go all the way back to pick it up..  well I'm logged in now..  Boobie I am bloody starving.. like really bad.. I'm gonna need to eat soon.. what have u had for breakfast? did u sleep well? I miss u boobie.. I miss u a lot.. I miss our times together.. I miss hearing from u.. everything seemed better when we was together.. well I hope u are ok and doing well..  speak to u later.. xxx

I managed to get a good sleep I think.. well I was zonked out and then my housemate knocked on my door coz I need to move the car to let him out.. he's going Barcelona today so need to get out earlier... I asked him about his date and he said it was good and then said u don't wanna know.. LOL he's right I didn't. I struggled a little again to fall back asleep but eventually I did and then I woke up about 6:30 again.

I'm just waiting for some guy to turn up then I got some work to do on setting up the mobile stuff boobie.. it's nearly getting there :-) I think we might be launching it in a week or 2.. how cool is that.. well I suppose it's the only positive I got going for me at the moment.. I need to cut my nails boobie.. they are bloody massive and disgusting.. I'll try and do that tonight.. I'll have to get some clippers from Tesco later on..

I got bit of a headache boobie.. can I have a kiss for my head and my eyes please :-| u can have one too if u ask nicely enough :-) xxx

Boobie I am getting proper annoyed.. that prick guy hasn't turned up yet.. grrrrr I been waiting ages.. I'm so bored.. I was so tempted to email u boobie..I miss u.. I really do.. I read some of our old emails from when I was in Sweden and I was telling u I need to poo but the loo's are too close to the desks.. LOL who am I gonna talk crap with eh? tell me booobiiieeeeeeee

Well boobie the guy has turned up.. I think I did well to show I wasn't annoyed.. So I've explained the issue and he's gonna try and fix it..  I went to Costa and I saw one of the old guys I used to work with.. we had a little chat.. that was good :-) Hopefully this guy can fix this issue soon and I can go back to the main office.. boobie my nails are bloody disgusting.. I need to cut them :-(

boobie I just been IMing one of the guys who we are going out with tonight.. and he wants to go to a titty bar :-( I said no.. I don't even wanna look at any other women.. I just wanna laugh and smile boobie.. and let go of little of this pain inside me.. I know boobie I had to let you go one day..  I just got so attached.. I'm sorry I'm so clingy.. LOL I just thought of this in my head and I'm laughing because it's so cheesy and u would laugh ur ass off and give me funny looks.. but if our love was true then I'm sure our journey doesn't end here.. I don't think this is the end for us.. yes it is the end as us being a couple, I know that is over. but I think we still have more to give as friends.. I'm sorry I can't say this to u right now.. I have to let u go and clear ur head and I have to clear my head and get used to u not being mine anymore.. I hope one day I can share this with u and u can understand why..

Boobie I am so bored here :-( this day is bloody dragging.. grrrrrr why couldn't u break up with me like in a week or 2 later on LOL.. least u could have kept me entertained.. I had a sandwich for lunch.. I must admit I am hungry again.. it looks grey and miserable out there today boobie :-( I hope ur not sad.. can u please smile and bring out the sunshine.. no more being sad please xx

boobie I've had a really frustrating day.. no one has done anything what I wanted to get done. .so I'm still on square one. what was waste of a day..  I'm well annoyed I haven't achieved anything today.. oh well least I have tried I suppose..  I'm gonna get another coffee coz my eyes are starting to close and I keep yawning..  I wish you was here to give me some strength..

4pm.. boobie probably gonna be leaving work now... LOL it's strange that I still think of her routine and stuff but I suppose it's not been 2 full weeks since our break up.. it'll take time to get out of that habit.. and the longer we don't get in contact the least we'll know about each other and what we are upto..  I still check my emails everyday.. I wonder when it'll be the first day that I ever stop checking.. when that first day will come that I lose hope that'll she'll ever contact me again.. I don't think we will contact each other for a while now... I know I still have to get over her going dates with him.. them kissing.. having a relationship.. getting married.. all the things I wanted for myself.. and that's gonna be tough to get over.. I hope it happens sooner rather than later.. I think it would be worse to feel like the time we spent together was for nothing.. it would be good if something good came out of this..

OK boobie I'm gonna leave work now.. I've had a really crappy day... haven't done much at all..  but it has given me some time to think about us.. and our time together.. I hope one day u realise that u've had 5 months to fall out of love with me.. for me it is still relatively new.. so please give me time to not love u as much as I used to.. and maybe then I am ready to begin the next chapter of our life.. until then I am sorry if u feel like I hate u.. but I don't want to say that to u just yet.. I need u to hate me too so u can give your all to the person u want to be with... mwaaaah xxx  I may not get a chance to write in here later so nite nite and sweet dreams for later xx

Day 12

Thursday 28 November 2013

7:20 am right now.. been trying to sleep for the past hour or so but it ain't happening.. thought I'd write in here before I get ready for work... managed to get some good sleep..  I'll be 2 weeks now since I last saw boobie.. I wonder if she thinks that too.. anyway I am sick and tired of thinking about her.. I was dreaming about the conversation we may have if we would meet up but I am still really angry.. I know this anger isn't good for me but I can't help it..

You know what pains me the most is the feeling of being discarded.. that's how I feel.. just like that.. like I meant nothing.. everything else I can understand but I can't shake that off.. that really hurts.. makes me question every single thing..

I been listening lot the the Eamon song Fuck It (I don't want you back) .. I been listening to it on repeat at work and occasionally at night too when I'm struggling to sleep.. it just reminds me why I don't want her back.. I know it's just how I feel right now.. maybe in a month or 2 I'm hopefully in a better place..

My housemate is out on a date tonight.. :-( great stuff.. so i'll be home alone this evening.. I feel sorry for him.. he wants to tell me all about it.. he's excited but I've had to tell him no I can't please.. and instead he's had to listen to me sob and feel sorry for myself..

sometimes I think me and boobie could eventually be friends again.. that we will one day meet up for a coffee and have a good long chat.. laugh and smile.. but then I think do I really want that... do I really want this person back in my life.. a person that discarded u just like that soon as she got someone else.. that didn't even give u the decency to say it to ur face.. to say thank u for the past few years and to say goodbye.. I don't think I do.. She doesn't deserve my time or my energy.. There are other people who I should be giving that too.. people that have stuck by me, even though I been a complete prick..

One positive is I don't have to lie anymore to my family about where I am.. I don't feel as paranoid.. but I would change that in a second to be with boobie again.. well I would have..

Yeah I've made it into work before 9 today :-) hopefully I can get the launch done today.. that'll make me feel better.. trying to not think about boobie today.. not even gonna do my pretend emails to her today

lunch time.. haven't gone down for lunch yet.. will go soon.. feeling really tired.. had a meeting and I couldn't stop thinking about her.. I re-read her last email that she ever sent me.. our last communication to each other..  I just feel so frustrated and annoyed that it's ended like this.. I knew it had to end eventually.. but like this.. us as strangers.. I thought I'd always be there for her and she'd be likewise.. but I suppose it doesn't always work like that in reality..  I am finding it really hard today and I know this evening is not going to be easy too.. I have no one down here except her and my housemate.. I lost all my friends for her.. any life I had down here is all gone.. I feel empty and alone..

Think i'm on my 4th coffee of the day :-| I've only had soup today.. and I feel stuffed.. I have salad with me too but I don't think I can quite stomach it yet.. not driving up north tonight.. boobie won't know that.. gonna spend an extra night down south and go back up on Saturday morning.. I keep having day dreams about if boobie did call what would be talk about.. would it just be an awkward silence? would we argue or would we just keep it civilised..

I think women can sense I'm heart broken because I am noticing a lot more smiles.. maybe they are trying to cheer me up because I look sad.. maybe they can see the pain in my eyes.. I don't know.. or maybe I've never really took any notice of it before..  to be honest I have no urges or attention to be with any other woman right now.. I have a wife at home that I have treated badly for years.. I need to start making it up with her.. use this experience to make me a better husband.. maybe that was God's plan.. make me realise what true love is and not this fake bubble animalistic love that I had with boobie.. I know I will have to try hard to try and give her affection.. it was always hard work and forced.. never came naturally like it did with boobie..

16:30 - Nearly end of the day..  well I might just hang around for an hour before I set off to go gym...  I don't know how I feel right now.. I think I feel numb.. which I suppose isn't a bad way to feel.. can't feel the pain and hurt that way.. thinking of boobie and the new guy and thinking u know so what I don't really care to be honest.. if she is happy with him then that's great.. it doesn't really affect my life anymore.. it's not like I'm ever gonna hear or see from boobie ever again :-) that used to make me feel sad but u know what she couldn't even see me to say goodbye.. I don't really wanna see her.. Good bye boobie mwaaaah thanks for the memories..

:-( struggling again.. so tough not keeping contact.. I am so tempted to contact her but I can't .. I can't i can't ;'-(  must stay strong.. come on hoobie u fucking prick.. u meant nothing to her.. fucking stop thinking about her..

ok time to go bed soon.. thinking positive.. another day I've got through.. another day I get stronger.. another day I am getting closer to happiness again :-) and to be fair considering I was on my own this evening I have done well I think.. feeling bit peckish now.. all I've had is soup and salad today.. I'll try and eat more tomorrow... lets hope I get a good night sleep tonight.. nite nite and sweet dreams xxx

Day 11

Wednesday 27/11/2013

Managed to get a better night sleep last night.. I had my laptop on all night with just some tv playing in the background.. I don't know I just find it soothing having some kinda background noise at the moment.. everytime I would start thinking of boobie I focused on the background noise.. I remember when me and boobie would facetime each other and watch each other sleep.. LOL :-) aaah me and boobie were something else..

I still woke up about 6ish and homes under the hammer was on so I started watching that..  I then started feeling sleepy again so played a little candy crush and went to bed again and woke up at 8..  I'm a little hungry now.. I've not really ate much at all..  I can see I've lost a lot of size around my shoulders lol and my waist too..

Well I'm at work now.. I hope boobie got to work ok.. I do wonder if she is ok :-( I know it's not my place but u don't all of a sudden stop caring about someone..

I really feel like contacting boobie today and just chatting to her.. I know it's not really going to change anything.. and I don't think I would want anything to change either. but I do miss talking to her..  I suppose I have to give her time too..

Oh well lots of work today boobie.. got a launch to do today.. and I need a coffee.. ooooh a boobie kiss would go down well too :-**

Managed to have a salad and soup again for lunch.. it's amazing how stuffed I feel from eating that.. in the past that would have been nothing and I would have needed something else to keep me going..  Still can't stop thinking about boobie and really want to make contact.. feel like with each second and each hour we are drifting further apart but then again maybe that's what it needed.  I suppose she's used to not emailing me now.. we used to make each other laugh.. tell each other about funny stuff that has happened in our day.. LOL I do have some funny stories to tell her.. LOL I can imagine her reactions..  I'm not sure if it's healthy for me to keep thinking of her like that and think of the good things.. or just keep focusing on the hurt.. nothing is really helping anyway..

Made a stupid mistake of re-reading the emails from when we broke up.. grrrrr I have got to stop doing that!!!

been busy at work so that's been good.. starting to feel a little hungry now again so maybe my appetite is starting to creep back too :-) so that's good too.. Gonna have a coffee now and help me wake up a little before I go gym later on.. I would have normally gone to see boobie tonight.. I know the evening and nights are harder to take.. wondering what she is up to.. part of it is jealousy but I think lot of it is I still love her and want to know she's ok..  even if she emailed "OK" lol that would be perfect.. I think I'd sleep with lot more comfort.. we don't have to have a conversation or anything..

Boobie we didn't manage to launch today :-(  we had some issues.. so hopefully tomorrow morning yeah.. fingers, toes and everything crossed..  hope ur work is going well.. don't work too hard and please be careful driving home.. mwaaaaah xxx

17:30 - Just about to log off now and go gym..  my housemate ain't in till later he said today so might spend longer than usual in gym if I have the energy.. boobie I think I might train a little chest today and do some cardio yeah.. let's see xx

Just about to go bed.. not really had a good evening.. I managed to eat bit more today.. I had fish and chips boobie.. bit fat chunky chips.. u would have liked them.. I could only eat about quarter of the fish and some chips.. it's the most I've ate since me and boobie broke up.. been feeling really down.. and broke down again.. really missing boobie lots... my housemate suggested we have a little smoke which we did and we had a little to drink.. so just a little tipsy and sleepy... Masturbated today.. first time i've ejaculated since me and boobie.. last made love :-( don't really feel good. just got it out my system.. was gonna think of boobie but that would have made me feel worse.. instead put on some porn.. again didn't really do itfor me.. but it's out of my system now.. hopefully I can get a good night's sleep.. oh well I should be proud.. it's another day I've got through.. nite nite to my old boobie.. don't wanna even talk to the new boobie.. I fucking hate her.. xxx

Day 10

Tuesday 26/11/2013

at work now.. late again.. hardly slept at all last night.. range of emotions going through me.. from anger, to hurt, to jealousy, to love... felt physically sick... couldn't wait for morning to come and I can get ready for work.

Been trying to not think about her and think more about myself and more about my happiness and what I can do.. I can't help but think of her.. it's only been 10 days since we broke up and suppose it's still very early yet.. the last we communicated was last Wednesday when we emailed each other and my stupid phone call on the Sunday.

I suppose as each day goes on.. it's another day I'm getting stronger.. I need to keep reminding myself that.. she has brought me crashing to my knees.. I never thought my boobie would do that to me.. I suppose that's what hurts the most... I question our love and whether it was genuine.. I don't know.. maybe the anger and the hurt is blocking my better judgement...

I have a presentation to give today.. she would have been really proud of me and ask me lots of questions after about how it went.. she doesn't even know now I got a presentation to give.. that's how much we are out of each other's lives now.. we have become strangers.. amazing how 3 and half years of knowing someone can disappear in just a flash... I feel really down today.. I suppose I'm gonna have good days and bad days.. I know they are more bad than good..  I'm gonna try and focus on me now.. why can't I be happy without her..  I will be happy without her..

Just had my presentation.. it went well.. really missin boobie now.. would have loved to tell her all about it..

"Boobie, I just had my presentation.

Oh my days there was loads of people.. about 20 I think.  I was bit nervous but because my stomach is feeling funny anyway I didn't feel that nervous.  I suppose that was advantage of being heart broken at the time LOL.. anyway just thought I'd let u know it went well.. It only took half an hour which is good.. and they asked lots of questions after and lot of people said that it was a really good presentation.  Just gotta make sure I deliver it now.. hopefully in a couple of weeks it'll be launched.. I'll let u know.. On here obviously.. LOL I don't like the new boobie.. I don't think she'd be interested anyway :-P... mwaaaah love u :-*** xxx"

Finished gym.. worked out arms and did a little jogging for 10 mins.. was feeling quite positive after gym and driving home.. got home and my housemate decided we should go and eat out.. which I agreed thought it would do me good to get out the house.. went to Frankie and Bennies and I think my heart stopped.. I think it was way too early to start going out like that and I think I pushed little too far.. so many couples out on dates.. holding hands... whispering sweet nothings.. chatting away... laughing.. enjoying each other's company.. I couldn't wait to get out of there.. I tried to put on a brave face for my housemate but I think he saw that it was way too much for me to take.. it was too soon.. all I could think about was boobie going on dates with the her new man.. them holding hands.. all being nice and romantic.. I didn't eat much.. just wanted to get out there and into the comfort of home.. tucked away..

just sat watching tv.. trying not to think about anything.. just wanted to write my journal and hopefully I can close my eyes and get some sleep tonight... tomorrow it'll be a full week since we last made contact.. nite nite and sweet dreams to myself.. xxx

Day 9

Monday 25/11/2013

9 days.. it's only been 9 days since me and boobie split up :-(

I've managed to get a little more sleep.. I did wake up at about 5-6 different occasions.. but I am managing to get some sleep now.. can't stop thinking about boobie.. need to cry but I can't even do that.. that's the most difficult thing I've not been able to mourn her loss.. I just wanna break down and cry..

I know it's selfish of me to want her back and put everything back to the way it was.. and it's unfair on her to just keep her to myself.. I never thought I would fall madly and deeply in love with someone.. I've been having thoughts about leaving all my family and just staying with her instead.. but they would never forgive me.. and i think I would begin to resent boobie because I sacrificed everyone for her..

I been trying to stop thinking about her and her future and her with this other man and started to try and focus more about myself.. what future do I have.. well I can finally leave my job down south and look something closer to home.. maybe being further away from boobie might help both of us.. I can try and be a better father.. spend some more time with my kids.. make sure they never experience pain like this.. I really wish I could be a better husband and show my wife the love and affection.. maybe slowly I will slowly start to grow in love with her..

I just miss boobie so much.. I miss u so badly boobie.. I'm on edge all time and my body and legs are constantly shaking.. I know it's the addiction and I'm get cravings for her so bad.. I need to keep fighting these urges.. I can do this.. I will do this.. I will do it for myself and I will do it for boobie.. I always told her eventually she will need to move on I never knew I would turn out a total mess.. I always thought that with be friends no matter what.. and I would still see her.. not in a physical way but still just meet up for a drink.. talk, laugh and look into each other eyes and not have to say it but know that we still love each other.. I think that's what hurts me the most.. I don't know if I'll ever see her again :-( boobie please I'm begging u.. I'm sorry I got angry.. u know I'm a dick.. I understand..  I can see how much hurt I put u through but I gave u my heart boobie.. I gave u as much as I could.. I know it wasn't enough but don't just leave my life forever.. remember u asked me if I would still hug u and kiss u even if u was pregnant from someone else and I said yes.. I would boobie.. I would always hold u no matter what..

Nearly lunch time.. although I have checked my emails I've done well not to read any of the old emails and try and remember what we once had.. I can't explain how lost I feel.. I been thinking about my jealousy and I think my main jealousy is that it's not me.. I wanted to be the one to spend rest of my life with her.. wake up with her every morning.. go travel the world together and that's what kills me the most.. she is my soulmate.. she was perfect for me in every way.. I do want her to be happy.. I just wanted it to be me the one to do that.. Nearly lunch time boobie.. what u gonna eat? did u sleep well? I didn't sleep too well boobie :-( I'm missing u so much.. I wish I could re-live that picture and be in the theatre again together watching lion king with you biting my cheek... I wanna stay in that moment for ever..

My God I am really struggling now.. I feel like I just wanna puke my guts out. it's moment like lunch times when we email each other that are hard.. why did it have to end like this :-( Boobie why? how can u not care about me anymore... u gave me all that love and just like that u took it away.. what was wrong with me? were u bored with me? why was u chatting to someone else whilst we was together.. why boobie.. u know how much it hurts why did u do this to me then?

Had bit of a wobble again and I had to go to the loo and sort myself out.. I suppose I have to get worse before I get better.. I will get over her.. I gave her so much and if she doesn't appreciate that so be it.. I loved her more that anything.. I don't care what she thinks of me.. I need to forgive myself that's the only way I'm gonna love myself.. and regardless of what boobie says. she only moved on because she's found someone better.. I need to remember that.. she dumped me.. she ended it. when all the times in the past she's begged me not to end it.. she was scared of being alone.. what she done now.. left me alone to pick up the pieces.. I hate my whole life.. my family.. my kids.. I don't even want to look at them.. I just look at them with hatred.. I am so angry.. I'm tempted to re-read my older posts and relive the conversations we've had.. I feel like i'm close to a mental breakdown.

I know I wouldn't but I been reading some of the older emails.. and now I really want to contact boobie.. I know nothing will change and that she has moved on.. but just to say that I forgive her.. and I hope she one day forgives me too and that we could be friends one day.. I really want to do this.. I wanna talk to her tonight now that I've had time to calm down and the dust has settled.. I've accepted that it's over.. but I'm not sure what to do now :-( I'm so lost without her.. I just want to say to u again boobie that I love u..

I wrote an email to boobie but didn't send it :-(

"Hello Boobie,

Hope ur ok? sorry I called the other day, just wanted to make sure ur ok. I know that's not my place anymore.  Old habits die hard I suppose.

Anyway I've had time to reflect and think things over the past few days.

I know I've hurt u Boobie and I've lied to you but I think you might understand how you do that without realising because you don't want to hurt the person you love.

I don't want you to think that I hate you and have that as our last leaving memory. I've accepted that you have moved on now and it's time you thought about urself and ur future.  U stuck by me through a lot and I appreciate it.

Obviously the news came as a shock and hit me really hard. I know it's selfish for me to keep you for myself when I can't even give you that.

I am not going to lie. I have been really struggling with this and I must admit you not saying it to my face made me feel really worthless. I know you had ur reasons.

U know I got so used to seeing you and then you saying we can't see each other anymore just like that well it just killed me.

I don't want to mess with your head or anything Boobie, I know how it feels to be with someone else if you still love someone else and it's not easy and not fair on them. I still feel like I'm cheating you even when I smile at my Wife. I need to let you go and I don't want you to think that because I've not kept contact that I've forgot about you or do not love you anymore. I don't think I'll ever stop loving you.  But maybe like you said one day when we are both in a happier place we could be genuine friends.

Hoobie"

Gonna log of work soon and go gym and then get ready to set off :-( it's gonna be a long drive and I'm gonna have to try so hard not to call her :-( I wish I was so much stronger.. God please give me strength..

Drive down wasn't too bad.. as I expected.. she didn't call.. I spoke to my housemate on the way down for most of it and I was ok.. However, he started talking about his lovelife and he sounded so excited and so happy and I miss that.. them early stages when ur getting to know someone.. when you get a text or u here from that person ur heart skips a beat.. that's what she must be experiencing now.. and that really got me down.. she didn't email to ask if i got down ok.. She knows I travel down on a Monday night. I have a 3 hour long drive, when i would normally spend the night with her..  It would have been 2 weeks now since we last made love.  I wonder if she misses my touch. Me kissing her, kissing her neck, back of her shoulders. my strong muscular arms around her holding her close to me.. me inside her.. filling her perfectly... we both finishing together.. we was so perfect for each other... never felt like that with anyone, the pure animal attraction... I actually felt like we made love and not just had sex..

well time to try and sleep. Not got my hopes up for much sleep tonight

Day 8

Sunday 24th November..

Just woke up managed to get little more sleep last night.. woke up a few times in the night to check my emails.. hoping and praying she might have emailed me.. about 6 am I couldn't sleep so played a little candy crush and fell back asleep again.. LOL fucking hate it when I run out of lives on candy crush.. that half hour wait feels like forever..

So last Sunday we broke up.. or more like she ended our relationship.. for a new guy..  I try and not be bitter about it but I can't help it..

I'm not sure the pain is getting any less or my heart is just getting used to the pain.. feels like it's been constantly punched every single heart beat.. and after a while u get used to that pain.. I try and think about boobie and wonder if she is ok.. I really do care so fucking much about her.. I only wish she knew how much.. and her thinking that I've not made contact or anything means like I don't care.. I'm fucking going crazy about her..

I'm gonna go gym soon and then football later.. I don't know how the hell I'm gonna find the strength to do all that.. I've not ate enough to do all that activity.. but I suppose I can use the pain, the anger to fuel my body...  she'd ask what I'm gonna train and to stretch before football.. I'd always complain my legs ache after.. LOL.. we would normally chat on my way to football.. that would always be nice to have that chat.. and then sometimes chat on the way back too..

i wonder if she bothers to check her emails anymore.. does she even think about me.. I don't know what to believe..  I wish we could talk and try and work something out. we would always do anything to keep our relationship going.. I really love her.. Emotionally I gave her everything.. I've never let anyone in.. always kept up a defence.. Built a wall round my heart.. never let anyone in.. I let her in and that wall has rebuilt and now I can't let her out.. wish I could break that fucking wall down and kick her fucking ass out..

I did something stupid... I called boobie on the way too football.. I know I shouldn't have but I just wanted to hear a voice and know she is ok.. grrrr what a prick.. she didn't answer :-( she didn't email me either.. thought she might be busy or something which is why she didn't answer.. now I feel so low and feel like shit.. I cried most of my way there.. I had to sit a while in the car to calm myself down and get myself together for football.. well least that confirms that she doesn't wanna know me anymore.. that's it she's gone.. just like that.. out of my life for good.. I know someday she will remember me.. she must do.. we been a part of each other's lives so much and for so long.. I think that's it.. I suppose it is the final nail in the coffin.. I just thought maybe if I talked to her just to say hello just to show I haven't forgot about her..

I really need to start sorting my life out now and try and forget boobie.. we had a good three years but that's it it's over now.. I thought we would last forever.. I don't think I could ever let anyone love me again..

just need to take each day at a time.. each hour at a time and try and get through this.. I know I can do this.. I know I have it in me.. I really loved u boobie.. I promise u no one else will ever love u as much as I did..

Gonna watch some comedies or something and try and cheer myself up.. boobie would love it when I did laugh but like a proper deep laugh.. she loved so many little things about me.. maybe the hurt and pain has blinded her.. hopefully one day she will remember them :-) fingers crossed..

Time seems to go slow without her.. every second seems to drag like forever.. I know time will help heal this pain but it doesn't fucking help it goes so slow.. I think I've been putting undue pressure on myself to get better and not feel this way.. I know it's gonna be a long journey and take each day at a time.. I've been reading a lot about coping about heartbreak and I can see it's normal for me to feel the way I have been.. the anger, the pain, the despair.. people do say they eventually do get better.. so there is hope for me.. however, i don't want getting better to mean I forget her.. all though this hurts like mad I do love the time we had together.. we have laughed lots and spent some amazing time together.. I do wish I remember them.. just natural for me to feel the way I am..

Actually looking forward to work tomorrow and keeping myself distracted.. not looking forward to the drive down tomorrow without talking to her and knowing I'll be not seeing her.. like I read online it's that routine and everything that I need to get used to not having.. just like the emailing.. so bloody addictive.. it's like the most addictive drug ever..  when I've been in pain for the past 3 years she's been my rock the person I would talk too and now she's not there..

I'm gonna try and not read any of the old emails anymore.. of course I'll always check my emails.. just in the slight hope I might get that email.. until then it's just u and me.. my boobie in my brain..  hope u don't get bored..

Heartbreak is a bitch!!! I must admit not a big fan of love anymore.. love bloody sucks :-(

nite nite xx

Day 7

Saturday 23rd November

So it's been a week since we've broke up... this time last week she knew she'd be going to meet him.. she kept distant to me all that day.. wondering, thinking if everything is ok.. I can still remember that lump in my throat.. knowing when something is not right but u think don't be silly don't  be paranoid.. she just busy.. she's out.. let her enjoy herself..

well last night was eventful, I managed to fall a sleep.. but something woke me up and I all of a sudden panicked and woke up.. try to find my phone but it wasn't there by my side.. my wife had it.. she's going through my phone again.. I asked her to give my phone back which she did... I then tried to ignore it and go back to sleep.. but she started crying.. she said to me.. u still love her.. u still miss her don't u.. I know she hasn't seen this blog or my email account with her emails.. she could just tell from my face.. she could see that I was heartbroken.. I said boobie's name.. and she said yes.. I didn't respond.. I just said please just let me back to sleep..  she started crying more and said you never loved me the way u loved her.. the way u was happy with her.. she's right.. I never did and I never will..  she then said to me.. I wish I could be her.. I couldn't keep u happy like she did..  I didn't respond.. I didn't want to break down in front of her.. I just closed my eyes tightly as I can and tried to block it all out.. I did fall asleep again and I managed to get lot more sleep... Even my wife knows how much I loved and miss boobie.. she knows how strong my feelings are for her.. how I risked everything to be with her.. she knows that more than boobie herself does... she has to deal with living the rest of her life with a husband that doesn't love her.. I think she's accepted that.. the monster in me found some comfort in that even she knows that I loved boobie.. she saw that.. and I know my love for her was true :-)

I must admit I do feel bit better this morning.. I keep thinking about boobie and wondering if she is ok.. if she is missing me.. I like to think so.. but then I remember that she's with someone else now.. I know I'm with someone else too...she's been chatting to someone whilst we was together.. someone she had feelings for.. someone she liked.. someone she was sharing her feelings with.. probably talking about me and how much I've lied to her.. how much of a monster I am.. she poured her heart out to this man.. told him everything about our relationship..  another man..  I keep thinking about her ex and my wife and how when we was together u have no consideration for the other person.. I don't think it's deliberate.. u just block it out.. love is blind as they say.. u don't see their hurt, their anguish..

the weather is sunny and bright today.. we would have asked each other about the weather.. I would come with some cheesy line saying that she is smiling which is why the sun is out :-) and maybe she is smiling.. maybe now she is happy.. she's no longer in pain.. I suppose that is good.. just coz I am doesn't mean she has to be too.. that's not gonna achieve anything..

I'm gonna try and go gym today.. she's ask me what i would train and make sure I've stretched loads.. she cared for me so much.. how could it all just disappear like that.. in a space of a few days..  I'm gonna go shopping later and maybe getting out the house might make me feel more better and start rebuilding myself..

Will i ever be friends with boobie.. I'd like to think so oneday.. Once all this pain has gone and all that love for her has left me.. then I could be a genuine friend.. as for now.. I'm still just the jealous ex pycho lover..  just a small chapter of her life.. in a few years I'll just be a distant memory.. I hope that chapter for me fades too and I can start with a new chapter..

Just back from gym... had some soup and a quick shower.. got ready a little to go out shopping.. my big sis is coming too so that'll be nice.. I'm forcing myself better.. the more I try and not think about her the more I do..  I trained just a little chest today.. boobie would like it when I trained chest.. she'd love resting her head on it when we'd sleep.. she'd play with my hairy chest.. LOL she was a little strange.. I got so much to tell her.. so much I could really need her now to talk about.. stuff that she would listen and give me some advice..  Boobie I hope ur eating properly.. what did u have for lunch? did u have breakfast? u better bloody have.. I'm watching football. Everton and playing Liverpool.. remember x-factor is on later on tonight.. wonder if she'll watch it..

Home now.. been really struggling.. been trying to stay strong but I can't stop thinking about her.. everything reminds me of her.. I want her back so badly.. I miss her so badly.. I want to email her and tell her that I miss her.. I really love her.. Boobie why did u break my heart :-( why boobie.. I thought u loved me.. My sis hasn't seen me for a few days was like are u ok.. I was like yeah.. she goes looks like u been crying :-( what do I say to her.. I just said I've not been sleeping well.. I can't eat, I can't sleep.. I'm just lost.. it's only been a week.. will this get any easier.. will this pain go away.. I pray to god please give me strength.. I don't even want to think what boobie might be upto..  I wonder if she is thinking about me..

Boobie I got the secret santa gift.. it was packed out boobie.. bloody hell I just wanted to get out of there.. I got a cool like table air hockey game..  I think u would like it.. we'd have good fun playing that.. I went over to my mum and dads after and watched the Doctor Who Special.. it was good but i missed u boobie :-( nothing is nice without u.. Boobie please make this pain go away.. please boobie please I beg u.. why :-(

Boxing is on now.. Froch vs Groves.. I'm just reading it on bbc sport.. I think it's pay per view.. looks like it should be a good fight..

Feeling sick.. and feel exhausted..  gotta take the pills soon and hopefully wake up tomorrow slightly stronger... not just for myself but for boobie too.. I know this will be tough for her too and I need to stay strong for her.. I just want to know I'm thinking of her and I don't think I'll ever stop loving her.. maybe in the next life eh boobie.. u better be mine!!!! nite nite and sweet dreams xx i love u xxx

Day 6

Friday 22/11/2013

Well I didn't get much sleep last night at all.. I didn't take the sleeping pills. I left them in the bag in the car and I can now tell the difference they make in getting me to get to sleep.. Boobie would take sleeping pills too and I couldn't understand why.. I wasn't happy about her taking them.. Hopefully she can stop taking them now..

I kept waking up in the night to check my emails.. just in case she had emailed me.. but nothing again :-( I went on whatsapp to see if I could her status.. when she was last online.. any clue to see if she is ok but I think she's blocked me or something coz I couldn't see anything..

I think I got about 3 hours of broken sleep last night.. I couldn't stop thinking about her.. all the bloody time..  I wanted to bang my head against the wall to get her out of there.. why doesn't she just leave me alone now.. why is she still here with me..

Just logged into work and still no emails or anything from her.. I don't think she'll even contact me again.. I never thought this would happen between us.. that one day we would end up like this.. strangers, separate from each other..  it's such a shame..

I think we could have been friends but there are a few things that I am still really angry about.. I think someday I could forgive her for lying to me.. that she hid stuff from me.. she didn't want to hurt me.. I can understand that.. and although that really hurts.. I know in time I could forgive her for that.. the 2 things I can't is her letting me go through the rest of my life with the pain and regret that this was all my fault.. when I asked if there was someone else.. she made me think that it was due to all my lies.. which I'm sure was a primary reason.. but it wasn't just that.. and the other thing is just to break up with me over emails like I'm nothing.. like I'm a stranger.. like when someone gets rejected for a job.. did I really mean nothing to her.. just a sack of shit.. didn't even give me the dignity to say goodbye to my face.. She gave me her reasons but I don't accept them..

I couldn't help and think about her and the new guy.. one day she'll kiss him.. will it be just as passionate and exhilarating as when we first kissed.  some day they'll make love.. in the same bed as we used to :-( .. some day I'll find out she's married just like she did all them years ago.. one of my many lies.. I know it's a long journey to recovery.. I still have all these heartbreaks to come.. I suppose whilst we was together she's had to endure them already so she's lot further into recovery than I am..

I know I shouldn't but I keep reading some of the emails from before.. I was reading some from the sunday before we broke up.. how did I know that was my last Sunday as her hoobie.. she was having some family issues.. but I was certain she still loved me.. she still wanted me.. but she was already chatting to that guy by then.. doesn't make sense.  why was she doing this to me.. I don't understand.. I have so many questions and I think that's what hurts because I have to make my own answers.. and even if I asked her I'm not certain she'd tell me the truth..

I wonder what her plans are for this weekend.. is she going to be seeing him this weekend? even tonight maybe.. they can be seen as a couple.. where as I was always hidden a secret.. that will be nice for her.. I can understand that as a woman she would want stability and security and a man that could provide that.. I couldn't.. I understand all that.. It would be nice to know how she feels right now.. if this is as difficult for her as it is me.. but then what answer would make me happy.. I wouldn't want her to be really upset.. that would hurt me.. and if she is happy then I suppose that would hurt too.. ignorance is bliss as they say..  This weekend is gonna be tough..

I'm gonna try and get some sleep later on after I logged off from work.. I think I manage to fall asleep when  I'm watching TV and my mind is distracted but then soon as I think of her I'll be awake again.. maybe play some games on the PS3 there are a few I want to play.. Spend some time with the family..  I have neglected them over the years.. she has too really.. we both were just crazy about each other.. nothing else mattered.. and it didn't, I just wanted her so badly.. always wanting her to know that I'm always thinking of her..

Really tempted to email her now and just tell her I miss her..  I want to talk to her so badly.. just hear her voice.. even if the words she says would break me.. I just wanna hear her :-(

first of all I just need to take one day at a time and fight each day and not think long term.. what will be will be.. there is nothing I can do now.. I could email her and tell her I miss her, that I still do love her.. but that's not gonna do both of us any good.. I have to let her go.. I just want to hold her so tight.. squeeze her so she makes funny noises when I hugged her too hard.. the other thing is I need to rediscover myself.. find out who I was before I met her.. see if I can become that person again.. hopefully spending more time with family and friends will help me discover that.. I used to be fun.. I was funny.. let's see if I can find that person again..  hopefully boobie can be the person she was once too.. Smiley Boobie :-) that made my world shine.. where just talking to her would brighten up my days.. put a spark in my life..

12:00pm - Nearly lunch time.. it'll be nearly 2 days now since we last made contact.. I've not really done much work today.. working from home is lot more difficult.  being in the office around more people does make it easier and keeps me distracted.  really starting to feel sleepy and can feel how exhausted and tired I am.. I feel weak, mentally and physically.. she gave me so much strength.. I hope I can find it back again on my own.. Gonna try and eat a little more today.. I had a banana earlier.. Boobie would be happy that I had some fruit :-) I hope boobie is eating properly.. she better be or else I'll bite her bloody nose off LOL.. I feel like on here I still have my old boobie with me :-)  Boobie I'm gonna watch Bargain Hunt now.. maybe I might nod off watching it so I'll set my alarm just in case I don't wake up.. mwaaaaah xx

13:00 - managed to swallow down a plate of rice with some great difficulty.. I fell asleep watching bargain hunt.. gonna have a cup of tea now.. can't wait to log off later and get some sleep.. hopefully I don't think about boobie and what'll she'll be upto this evening and this weekend..

16:00 - been in a meeting for the past 2 hours so not had time to think about her or re-read her emails.. Still no emails from her.. She'd be leaving work now and going home.. well I think she'll be going home.. I have no idea what her plans are.. I just need to stop thinking about her.. which is difficult when for the past 3 and a half years all I been doing is thinking about her..  I wish she knows things were different and if I could be with her.. I would deffo want to be with her.. I've never wanted anyone the way I do her.. never even believed in love.. well I hope she gets home safely..  been a long week.. Miss u boobie xx

Gonna log off work now.. maybe I can catch up on some sleep.. Gonna give gym a miss today.. maybe tomorrow I'll try and kick start things..

20:00 - Managed to get a little sleep about half an hour and been watching tv, playing candy crush and checking my emails.. no emails from boobie.. I got a call from No Caller Id.. I thought it might be boobie.. saying she wanted to talk.. but it wasn't her.. I miss her so much.. I want to hug her and feel her face nestled between my chest.. that comforting feel.. I felt strong, invincible when she was in my arms like that..  Boobie when I hurt u.. I always answered ur questions no matter how many times u asked. yes I got annoyed but I stuck by u.. I didn't just give up.. yet here u are. u don't even want to talk to me.. explain to me why u did what u did.. u just don't care... u just ended it.. u haven't even made an attempt to ask if I'm ok.. yes I might ignore u.. but u don't know how much that would mean to me. just an email with 2 words - u ok? would mean the world to me...

I want to email her and tell her I miss her.. but I don't think I even want to give her that satisfaction.. she doesn't deserve my love and she doesn't deserve my friendship.. I put so much time and effort into our relationship.. more than she will ever realise and appreciate.. I hate u boobie.. i hate u so much yet I still want u.. I hope she actually never ever reads my journal.. I hope she never reads how much she meant to me.. how much I miss her.. I wish she thinks that all I used her for is for my own physical urges.. that's all she meant to me.. that's all she was..  I can't eat, I can't sleep.. I got such a short temper and taking it out on the kids.. will I ever find the person I was before I met her.. who was I.. please come back to me and take this boobie away..

23:22 - :-( no emails from boobie.. nothing.. it's like I never existed.. I always thought I was the stronger one between us.. I don't know what else to say or write in here.. I'm just broken..  Might start praying..  my wife just text me saying I look upset did she make a mistake.. how do I tell her that the women I cheated on her with has broken my heart.. how do I tell her that the person I gave all my love and affection to instead of her has left me.. when I've continually lied to her that I would never see her again.. that I risked losing everything again.. to just spend the little time I could with bobbie.. despite everything my wife saw when she saw them pics of me and boobie.. despite pressure and disgrace from her family and everyone at home she left them to come back to me and I still cheated on her again.. why can't I show her and give her that love and affection.. why? ..  what is wrong with me..

I'm gonna take my sleeping pills now and hopefully god does me a favour and lets me sleep.. hopefully I wake up tomorrow stronger..

Day 5

Thursday 21st November

so it's about 6am now and I'm wide awake.  I managed to get a better sleep last night.  I think it was the exhaustion.  But soon as mind becomes a little active and I start thinking of her I can't switch back off. I'm shaking right now now like my whole body is quivering but I do not feel cold or anything. I really miss her.. I've checked my emails soon as I woke up and still nothing.  Will I ever stop checking? Will I get used to the fact that she is not going to contact me anymore. that it's over.. that she's no longer mine :-(

It'll almost be a week in a few hours since I was last with her... that I last saw her... who was I to know that would be the last time I would ever see her.. I wish I could just go back a week now and take it all in and just hold her and tell her how much I miss her and how much I love her and how much she means to me... would that have made any difference.. I'm not sure... I think at that point she was already having serious doubts about our relationship. even earlier maybe.. just not the courage to tell me.. how awful for her to be stuck in a relationship she was unhappy with... that she put up a front just to keep me happy.. but inside she was hurting and in pain.. for over 5 months she said she has done that.. it would just be nice to go back and just have that hug, that kiss knowing that would be my last.. I never knew that.. always assumed there would be more to come :-( always assumed it would never really end... and here I am in bed writing this journal to try and cope with her losing her.

I got a three hour journey back home today after work and I know that is gonna be really tough to be alone with my thoughts.  Again we would chat most of my journey.. I don't think I'll be getting any calls from her on my way back up.. I wonder is she'll ask me if I got home fine.. probably not.. Does she care.. I think so.. I think inside she is dying to know if I'm ok and I got home fine.. but I have to assume she doesn't..

I wonder how she slept? if she is awake now.. if she feels the way I feel.. from when we last chatted she didn't sound hurt or in pain.. she sounded cold hearted.. she had lost all love for me and I suppose that will make it easier for her to cope...

I think I'll play some games on my phone and surf the net and go on twitter on my phone before I start getting ready for work... I'll probably check my emails about 50 times during that time just in the hope that she might say Good Morning...

9:15.. Just got into work.. late again :-( and still no email...  God this is not easy to take.. I managed to fall asleep again which is good but just about when my alarm was about to go off.. I had to snooze a few times and again I didn't shower..  I look a mess and I feel a mess.. it's cold and raining today.. I hope boobie has wrapped up properly and driving carefully too.. I hope she managed to sleep well..  I am starting to feel sick.. the realisation that it's all over and I'm not gonna see her again.. it's really starting to sink in now.. the little hope I may have had that I can still win her back that she can be mine again is starting to dwindle away each second and that's being replaced by feelings of despair.. I don't know what to do.. I feel totally lost without her..  I would ask God for help but I don't deserve it..

I feel so alone boobie :-( Please come back to me.. u promised me you'd never leave me.. that you'd always be there for me.. where are you now!!!! why are you not here to help me get better..

I feel like emailing her and saying ok let's be friend but please let's not lose touch.. I don't wanna lose her as a friend.. she can tell me all about her life.. but I know it'll be hard for me to stomach when she talks about him.. and I know it'll be even harder for her to talk about him to me too.. then she'll start getting feeling of guilt around him.. because she'll know how much I'm hurting.. I know all this boobie..  I hope if you ever read this it will help you understand why I wasn't so upfront about stuff at home.. it's not easy talking about stuff that you will know hurt the person u love and care about.. I think u'll understand that now.. maybe someday forgive me for hiding and lying about stuff..

13:45 now.. Got back from Lunch and no emails from Boobie.. it's been over 24 hours now since we last made contact..  I been thinking about her a lot.. what I would say to her if she called.. try and not bring the past up and try and stay positive for her.. I'm sure this is as just as tough for her..  I been working with my other colleagues so it has helped take my mind off things but it's times like lunch time where I just drift off and think of her.. I wasn't even listening to whatever conversations the guys were having.. just thinking about her and if she had ate and if she's ok.. wondering if I get back to my desk would I have an email waiting for me like yesterday...  I've not been able to eat much at all the past few days.. my appetite is totally gone.. I'm still annoyed that she hasn't said goodbye to my face and although she has explained why in her last email I'm still upset that I've not been given that much at least.  I remember she met up with her ex when she split up with him and gave him that.. why not me?

I have some good news.  I been looking at some old emails and found the picture that I asked her for :-D yeaaaahhh.. that has cheered me up a little.. I was tempted to forward that email on to her and say HAHA I've found it.. LOL but I'll just celebrate on here instead.. :-P

15:53 - I'll be setting off pretty soon and I'm starting to feel down again.. I been re-reading some of the past emails and just the ones of the Friday 2 days before we broke up..  I think I'm breaking my heart over and over again by re-reading these and the more I look at them and analyse them the more I think she was having dinner with the new chap that evening.. most likely I'm wrong..  but she wasn't really responding with much.. and then 9:23pm was her last email saying she just ate and had a glass of wine too.. and then I didn't get anything back until about 12:43 am saying sorry she fell asleep on the sofa downstairs.. I'm sure that's not true.. I know boobie and she doesn't nap for that long.. there's something not quite right.. but why am I torturing myself over and over again by reading this.. what's that gonna change.. I wanna call her and ask her what she was doing that night and did she lie to me about that too.. I suppose the more I hurt the quicker I will stop loving her and start to get my life back.. can't believe she did this to me..

16:22 - Gonna pack up now and get ready to set off soon.. what can I say except that I am fucking fuming right now.. not the right frame of mind for my drive back home.. I was earlier wishing and hoping that she might call me on the way up.. I really hope she doesn't now.. I think I'll just end up getting angry and shouting.. why would she call u anyway.. u DICK.. she's moved on now.. time u fucking man up and get over her..

Home now and no phone calls or emails from boobie..  not even asked me if I got home fine.. does she not care at all anymore..  I know she probably thinks I'm angry and don't want to hear from her.. and I suppose some of that is right but I'd still like to see that she cares about me... but nothing.. I'm gutted.. she's not even trying or even making an attempt to try and stay friends at least.. I know I would still email her.. oh well it's not in my control why am I even thinking about it..

I been thinking about this on the drive up and I thought if anyone did read this must think bad of boobie and I don't want that.. like I said at the start I'm the bad guy here.. boobie has her reasons.. I know them. she knows them.. This blog is for me.. I'm just describing my raw emotions at whenever I feel like I need to let out some steam to help me cope.. it has helped I think and sometimes I think I am writing to my boobie..the boobie I fell in love with and the one that loved me.. like they say they are 2 sides to every story and this is my story..  this is how I'm handling losing her.. I don't know how she is coping... what I've said may or may not be true.. I don't know.. I think it's just human nature to think the worse .. I suppose its a defence to stop u getting hurt again..

I've been watching quite bit of TV while i've been home.. I've watched masterChef.. LOL boobie would laugh and get a little bit jealous of my fascination with Michelle Roux Jr. LOL I loved it that she got a little jealous that I fancied him a little bit..  they are little things like that I miss of my boobie..  I've also watched I'm a celebrity get me out of here.. I know boobie likes this too.. and Carlton is in it.. how cool :-) I know we would have been chatting about this..

I wonder if she will email at all.. even to ask if I'm ok.. I can't understand how someone who could care so much about me and would be desperate for me to let her know when I got home safe and go crazy thinking about my route.. where abouts I am.. what time roughly I got home not give a damn anymore.. maybe she does maybe she doesn't.. maybe she got more important things to deal with.. It'll be the first time in ages since we have not contacted each other all day.. the last time was the emails on Wednesday afternoon which I have read and re-read again and again.. I wonder if she is re-reading them too?

I do still miss her so badly. but I think I would say I miss my boobie.. the old one.. not the woman that broke my heart.. and I suppose she must feel the same about me too.. maybe the old hoobie and boobie are up in the clouds together eating chocolates and making frowny faces at us.. that's a nice image :-) I think I'll try and sleep tonight with that image in my head.. hopefully that will stick and I get a better nights sleep..  fingers crossed..

I've tried to keep awake as long as possible just in the hope that she might email me... but there has been nothing..

Day 4

So I been awake writing in this blog for the past few hours.. I don't know if it has helped or not but it has kept me distracted I suppose that that is good..

My friend recommended writing a journal last night but I can't always carry a book with me to write either.. What am I hoping to achieve.. well nothing really.. There is nothing to achieve.. just to try and cope with losing her..  Will anyone read this.. I don't know.. probably not.. it may help someone when they are facing difficult times too..

Honestly I am hoping somehow.. someday she stumbles across this blog and realise how much she meant to me and how much I miss her.. I can't tell her that now because I have to let her go and let her move on and get on with her life.. For once I need to stop being selfish and suffer the pain for someone elses happiness..  It's hard though.. I keep imagining her and the new man.. going out on dates.. being happy.. getting married.. going on honeymoon.. having all the things I wanted but because of circumstances I couldn't provide to her..  Hopefully it will get easier.. Hopefully..

maybe one day maybe in a year or two time I could send her a link to this blog.. But not for sometime.. she needs to move on and I can't do anything now to mess with her head.. I need to sort myself out now..  Accept that she has moved on and that she the most amazing thing that ever happened to me has moved on..

So I am now upto speed where I am at my life.. it's 8:15 now and I am really late and gotta get ready for work.. I managed to get about 4 hours sleep last night.. so that's something at least.. Tonight will be tough again coz we would normally meet up on Wednesdays too.. and if we don't contact at all each other today it'll be the first time in ages since we haven't contacted each other for a full day for ages..  She'd be at work already now.. she starts at 8.. normally I'd get an email when she does get to work but again nothing today.. suppose what I have to get used to..  Hopefully I get time today to express my thoughts at work and later this evening.

So I just got to work.. I didn't have a shower.. I was too late.. but I don't smell too bad I think.. Or I think so anyway.. well nothing a little deodrant can't mask.. LOL..  I suppose you gotta try and keep your sense of humor.. God's the biggest comedian of all.. Giving me a soulmate and taking her away from me..  I wasn't gonna go gym after work but my housemate suggested I do it might help me take my mind off a few things and feel better..  I used to go to the gym to look good for her in bed..that was always my motivation and with her gone is there any point anymore..  I don't have that drive anymore.. I suppose I should do it for myself but I don't love myself enough to do it for me..  I'll suppose I'll see how I feel later on..  Still no email :-( I really need to get used to this..  I'm gonna try and stay off Facebook today.. I don't want to become that person.. I am crazy about her but I'll use this to outlet as much as I can.. the weather is gray and miserable just how I feel.. I wonder how boobie is.. I hope she is ok.. I wish I could ask her and find out.. I really want to but she probably has her new man to check up on her now.. who am I to ask... time for work

So just got back from lunch.. I've been trying to be chirpy as I can and trying to talk as much people as I can.. be the work clown.. where as inside I am in pain and I am hurt..

I have some good news in that Boobie has emailed me... I don't know how I feel about it.. in a way I am happy but in a way I'm still hurt that it doesn't change anything.. It still means it is over and that still hurts... I do miss her.. I miss her embrace her touch and just being able to contact her, write whatever I wanted and not think twice... it will never be like that again.. it'll always have to be thought out.. her email was nice and she did say it would be nice to be friends.. I'm not sure I could do that when she is with another person and its annoying I have no room to complain on that issue..  I don't know whether to respond or just leave it and let it be..  I know I have to let go and I'm not sure if emailing her would open up my wounds again and maybe hers.. I do feel some comfort that I can say what I truely feel here.. I don't want to dwell on issues she has raised and I want to be dignified in my response.. I suppose I will give it a while before I think about responding.. I do still care about her and I do love her.. I'm not sure if I forgive her just yet.. I am still angry I think inside.. aaaah this is confusing... I don't know what to feel..

OK well I gave in and replied back.. I think I was dignified in my response and I wished her the best for the future. I also apologised about trying to contact the new chap on Facebook and various other things over the past few days.  I don't want to get into the habit of expecting her email every minute or so.. I think maybe I am starting to come to terms with the situation and accept that it is truely over and do what's best for both of us.  I do miss her still and I wanted to shout from the roof tops how much I do love her still but I don't think that was gonna achieve anything.  Maybe I made a mistake.. Maybe I shouldn't have replied. Maybe she'll never contact me again but I need to come to terms with it.. oh well only time will tell if I regret what I did.. with my mind frame at the moment I can't tell from right or wrong..

it's 3pm now and it's been about an hour and a half since I last emailed her.  I am starting to feel really exhausted now.. the lack of sleep is starting to catch up with me.. and the email I don't know if I said enough or not.. I so much want to keep having a conversations with her and be friends but I don't think that will help me and I think deep down inside I am still angry and I think any further conversation would just end up us arguing again and me saying something I later regret.  I just hope that she is ok, I am still concerned for her.. I wanna ask her if she's been eating and sleeping properly. How's work and what she's been upto.. will it ever return to that? or will we slowly continue to drift apart and I feel like that process has already begun.. I don't really know the person she is anymore and I don't think she ever understood me either.  Continually lying hasn't helped my cause.  She must have mistrusted every little thing I've ever told her..  I do know that I did and do genuine love her.. and I don't think that will change anytime soon.. part of me hopes that it will always last and I always have some love for her.  Have struggled to really focus on work now and I can't concentrate.. I've been re-reading her email and my response about 20 times already... analysing every single detail and I think that's silly of me and I need to stop that now.. I'm looking forward to leaving work but dreading being alone, its then when I am alone with my thoughts that I find the hardest..

arrggggh I'm driving myself crazy.. I been re-reading some of the previous emails from when we broke up and I think it's just open my wounds and really hurting inside.. I remember telling boobie not to analyse every single detail so much but I suppose when u've been hurt you can't help it..  I want to delete the emails to resist the temptation to re-read them again.. but I think they may do me some good to remind me why I am not keeping contact... I just read the line "I want to be happy, that's all. I'm not happy with u anymore hoobie, I'm broken." I need to remember this and let her find that happiness and not think about my own.. 

Well time to log off work now.. again she'd email me when she left work :-( I'd let her know.. I need to stop thinking what she is upto now.. where she is going.. what she is doing for rest of the evening..  Will she miss me? I would normally drive over after gym and she'd cook for me :-) we would eat, chat, watch tv or even a movie.. it would be simple but nice.. well to me anyway.. but she has told me she's been living a lie for the past 5 months.. she wasn't happy..  OK well gonna try and hit the gym and then make my way to my housemates rather than to hers tonight :-( I feel sick..  

about 8:30 pm now and I'm Really starting to struggle now.. I want to contact her so badly.. I wanna call her and talk to her..  see what she is upto.. :-( I am really missing her.. I thought I was starting to come to terms with things and maybe could see some progress but I realise I'm still not further on.. I'm hoping maybe she'll call me tonight and we can have a little chat... but then again what do I say without my jealousy anger coming through.. She's probably chatting to the new guy anyway.. what would she want with me.. No need to email and all that secrecy... Just whatsapp, text, call, facetime whenever u like.. I could never give her that.. I was so much hard work.. I'm really upset now.. it'll be a week since I last saw her and it looks like I'm unlikely to ever see her again either.. my heart is beating fast now and my mind is all over the place.. I need to stop thinking about her but how, when everything I want to tell her about.. what I'm watching right now.. what I trained in gym.. what I ate.. I suppose I could still say that all on here and pretend that I am emailing her.. maybe that would help me with that void of not getting in contact with her.. 

I still can't believe it's been less than a week we were together.. so much has happened since then :-( my eyes are starting to ache now and I feel a headache getting worse.. She'd have gave me a frowny face and said I need to take medicine and I don't look after myself.. I should be with her right now.. I keep looking at her pics and I want to see her.. I wonder if she is looking at any of my pics.. or has she maybe deleted them all already.. I don't know and I think that's the hardest thing to deal with the not knowing.. I suppose I still want her to be hurting too and missing me.. I think that's natural.. thinking of me.. not sure if that is the case.. I think tonight isn't gonna be easy too. 

Gonna head for bed soon.. no phone call.. no emails.. nothing... I really want her back.. I want everything the way they was :-( why did i have to fuck everything up... I'm starting to fall asleep on the sofa.. I thought this journal would help me but I'm not sure it is.. why doesn't she just call me :-( she knows how stubborn I am and I won't now... how can I call.. I'm no longer hers to call whenever I like.. I been going through things again over and over in my head and I gotta remember I hurt her and she has hurt me too.. she has been chatting to him to this guy.. whilst we was together.. and I have to keep reminding myself that to help me get through this.. we are better off apart... it's not the memory I would want to treasure of her but it's all I got that's gonna help me get through this period now.. I think that's all for tonight.. I'm not holding any hope of any further contact from her from now on unless I make the first move.. maybe on xmas.. she might have deactived the personal email account we use by then... nite nite and sweet dreams to boobie too xxx

Day 3

So Tuesday 19th November.  Into work I go.. Where it all began.. where I met her... she didn't work there anymore.. she had left some time ago.  but I had to walk past every little place that reminded me of her.. I tried to keep strong and not let my emotions show too much.. I didn't want another melt down like I had a couple of years ago..

I got to my desk and checked my emails and again nothing. She would email me when she got into work and ask if I got to work safely.. but again nothing.. this was it.. it really was all over.  I went on my false facebook account to see if any of my false friends request had been accepted.. nothing :-( which was probably for the better.  I tried to look at the new chaps facebook account.. but I couldn't find it.. he had deactivated it.. why would someone all of a sudden deactivate their account just because they got a random fried request. Surely you just don't accept the request unless you had something to hide.  Obviously she must have talked to him from when I talked to her.. to that morning for him to deactivate his account. maybe they was in the same fucking bed when she asked him to do it.. how could it all happened so fast..  Again it just confirmed my suspicions that she was lying to me.. there was something to hide.

I did something stupid and showed my card. I emailed her with a sarcastic emailing saying amazing how she managed to get him to deactivate his facebook account.. She called me back straight away after that email.. We argued. she was saying why did I add try and add him as a friend.. and to be fair that was a boundary I had overstepped.. but I wanted to know.. I wanted to hurt more.. I wanted to hate her so much that the pain would make it easier for me to cope.. but I still loved her.. I still wanted her back but I know not it's too late... there is nothing like new love all fresh and new with no baggage and I knew I could never compete with that.. I had been her new love when we first started and she had been mine and I know how exciting and tingling it all was.. with no consideration about the other person.. now I was the other person.. the enemy. the villian.. the bad guy.. the fucking monster!!!! She would talk to him about me about how bad and awful I am just like when she did about her partner at the time and I would do the same about my partner.. no one else mattered just us two and us being together. well now I know how much that hurts..

I was still angry that she didn't have the decency to end things to my face.. I wanted her to see my face and remember how much she has hurt me when she says it.. I asked her to return any of the stuff I got her.. any little gifts and some of the clothes I had left over at her house... she said no that they were her gifts and they belonged to her.. too be honest I couldn't give a shit about the gifts or anything.. I just wanted to see her.. so I threatened her :-( not again something I am proud of and said that I would break into her house and take my stuff.. She then said that she'll arrange something for next week.. wow she was so fucking busy with her  new man that she couldn't see me tonight.. she couldn't put me out of my misery and put a wounding dog down and bring me some closure to all this.  I agreed that next week would be fine and we ended our call.. I then put away any gifts she gave me that I had to my desk and moved them to one side.. out of sight... I didn't want to be reminded of her..

We would normally still email each other at work too.. but nothing today.. I tried to distract my self as much as I can.. I tried to focus on some work.. talked to some collegues and one who has known me for some time and knows more about my story.. tried to console me but I was really hurt and I still missed her so badly...  Then something unexpected happened that I didn't expect... She called me.. I felt excitement.. hope.. I answered.. wasn't long before that disappeared.. She said that she has arranged with her brother for him to drop my things off to me.. I was like what the fuck!!! I told her I gave them things to her and she should return them to me personally and then say good bye to my face... she said I threatened her and she was scared.. I said I was angry and would not harm her.. I said we could meet up somewhere public if she was that scared... she then said what if she came down with her brother.. I was like NO.. I don't want someone else there specially her brother.. what a fucking joke.. I said no.. we do it alone.. then she gave me a lame ass excuse that she is being tracked and what not.. I got really angry at this point.. After so long together.. to go through everything we have been through it had already become so difficult for her to drive 20 miles down the road to return my stuff and say goodbye to my face.. Where I would drive 200 miles down south every fucking week.. risking everything to just see her.. I said fuck it.. keep the things and I don't wanna see her or even contact me.. I'm sure we talked about someother stuff too.. I think we was trying to pass blame onto each other.. and I do hold my hands up that I do hold most of that blame but the reason why the relationship has ended is because she has moved on plain and simple.. She was finding it so much easier than me.. he tone of voice and everything was just dead.. there was nothing behind it and I knew at that moment she had no left for me or had no care for me too.. That was it.. it really is over.. That was our last ever conversation.. Well so far anyway.. There was no further emails that day.. nothing..  I still loved her though.. I still wanted to be with her.. I still do now.. but I suppose the right thing for me to do is try and let go.. let her be happy and hopefully I can cope with that..

I arranged with my housemate to go out that night.. I didn't want to be alone and I wanted to talk to him.. I got some herbal sleeping pills to help me sleep in the night.. and with me right this blog for the past few hours and proof they didn't work too well LOL..

My housemate is brilliant and a really good friend.. I never really talk about personal stuff so he was all quite shocked that I opened up to him.. we went to get some food and I couldn't eat much at all.. the least I've eaten for a long time..  we went out and had a few drinks.. chatted.. I broke down a few times and cried and he did what he could to cheer me up and keep me positive.. but it was still so difficult.. I missed my boobie so much.. some of the stuff we chatted about I know it would have made her laugh her ass off and it was stuff I would be excited to tell her too.. but nope I don't have that anymore.. I don't have that companion, that friend, that lover in my life anymore.. there is a huge void in my life now that I will never fill but I will have to try.

Day 2

So Monday 18th November. I knew today would be tough because normally Monday's is the day I would drive down to see her.  I would love monday's I know strange but I couldn't wait for them because I know I'd be driving down to see her later on.  The three hour drive down south was so much easier knowing that I would be in her arms soon, that we would embrace, kiss and make love to each other. But this Monday that wasn't gonna happen and I knew it was gonna be tough for me to cope.

Normally we would email each other when we woke up or got into work.  But nothing like that today.  Nothing, just complete silence.  I was the first to give in and I emailed her.  I asked her to send me of a picture of me and her together but she didn't respond.  I just wanted a picture to remember our time together.  I had pictures of her but nothing of us.  I then emailed her again.  I always promised her a love letter and this had become of a bit of a running joke between us about how I would always say my love letter was a work in progress and there wasn't enough ink and paper in the world to deal with how much I loved her.  Anyway I didn't have the patience for a letter so I wrote a love email.. I wanted this pain to stop and I wanted her to see how much I loved her.  She did respond but again she just replied back with how much I've hurt her over the past years and that she couldn't cope anymore and how I've broken her and she also had a go at me saying how dare I ask if she had met someone.

I responded back and I tried to be dignified and again apologised for all the pain I had caused her.  I said maybe in time we could be friends again who knows.  I again asked for that picture but she never responded.

I was hurt and frustrated.  Again I thought this is it.  I am not gonna give in and I am not going to be the one to make the first move.  On my drive down south we would normally talk for hours and I thought I'm not gonna call her this time. That's it. It's over.

However, 3 hours driving alone in a car is a long time to be left with just your thoughts to keep you company.  I held on for about 30 mins before I finally gave in and called her.  She answered and said she was at her parents and that she would call me back when she got home.  I was happy. At least she answered. At least I got to hear her voice. At least she wants to talk about it.  Maybe she might change her mind.  So I waited and waited for her to call me back and eventually she did.

So at the start we had some idle chat about what we've been upto and stuff over the weekend, like we normally would and I thought this is nice just like the way it was. I even think she laughed once but I can't be 100% sure on it.  Maybe its what my head wanted to think.  However, it wasn't long before we turned to the real topics at hand :-( my heart sank.  I knew this wasn't going to be easy.

Over the years I've tried to explain to her my actions and why I've done certain things the way I did.  I can't justify them but I always tried to do what I could to see her as often as I could and spend as much time with her as I can.  Again we went over all the lies I have told her and how I've broken her :-( I know I'm not a good person but to be constantly reminded about it u start to believe it and I do feel like a monster that I am. But a monster that fell in love.

Anyhow it's nearly 7am now and my brain is bit fuzzy but I don't know how we got into the topic of what she did on Saturday and how I knew something wasn't quite right.  I couldn't understand how she could go clubbing Saturday night and then on a Sunday morning I get an email to say it's all over.  Surely going clubbing isn't the best place to make this decision. Unless you have met up with someone.  Eventually somehow she told me that she been chatting to some chap that has liked her for some time and how she told him all about me and he said that he still liked her and wanted to be with her.  Now it all started to make sense and it all started to click in place.  I suppose I have answers now to why she was odd on Saturday because she was meeting up with him and she made her distant from me to not go through the guilt.  I was totally heartbroken at this point whilst driving in the night.  I was hurt and I was really angry. I asked her if she liked him too and she said yes. and I asked if she had been chatting to him and she said yes.  So while we were together she was getting to know someone.  I was furious at this point. trust me when I say I have no room to talk when it comes to cheating but this felt awful.  So she hid and lied to me about stuff just as I had done. then she has the right to give me lectures about lying.  How she made me feel like shit.  Made me feel like it was all my fault and I am not saying I am totally blameless in this.  I do have a very contributing factor to our break up but to let me live the rest of life with the pain and regret that this was all my fault that it ended.  When surely her finding someone else that could give her that future and security she wanted that I couldn't provide.  I told her that all that stuff she said to make me feel bad the past day or two was just her way to justify her own guilt because she obviously had been lying to me too.  We argued a lot.. and we eventually said our goodbyes and said that this was it.. I asked her if this chap went clubbing with her and she said no.. and I left it at that.  Normally we would talk for my entire journey but I still had about 40 mins left and said she had to go..

Again 40 mins alone in the car, angry, hurt is a long time and the entire conversation and everything kept spinning in my head.. I eventually got to my housemates, he wasn't at home he was still on holiday so I was all alone with no one on a cold dark day.

As I sat in the bedroom alone, I still had so many holes and answers that I couldn't understand and I was still really pissed off that she didn't even break up with me to my face.  After all these years she didn't even give me that much.  She claimed to have loved me so much but then to break up with me on email, surely that's not right.

I had questions and I do what most men do when they want answers, I went on Facebook.  I'm not on facebook and I don't have a profile.  I created a false account and I tried to see any pics or any clues about that night.  It's not my proudest moment but I was hurt and I didn't know what else to do.. it wasn't gonna achieve anything, in fact just made it worse. I went through her profile and lots of her family and friends and even the new chap but it was all privacy and I couldn't see much at all.  I then sent a few friends request to some of the people I thought might have gone out that night. Including the new chap. I know this wasn't good and not my proudest moment.  But I wouldn't have done anything to jeopordise he new relationship.  I just had some questions and when it comes to lying I knew she wasn't telling the full extent of what happened.  I called her anyway at middle of the night about 12 it was, angry and unable to sleep.  I tried twice and she didn't answer.. Why not.. is she with her new bloke already.. why is she not fucking answering!!!! why did she not talk to me all the way. she said she had to go.. was he coming over to see her.. what the fuck was going on.. she didn't even check to ask if i got to my housemates ok.. does she not fucking care anymore.. I left her a voicemail saying that she's lied to me and I know that the chap went out clubbing too.. I didn't have proof but it didn't make sense otherwise.  She called me back straight away and from her response and her tone of voice I knew I was right.  It was exactly how I would have said it and tried to deny it.. I been lying for years and if there is one thing I do know when someone is hiding something from me..  We argued and what not and ended our conversation.. again say that's it.. it's the end...

I tried to sleep that night.. not very well.. I kept waking up every so often.. checked my phone my emails to see if she has replied or responded but there was nothing and absolutely nothing.  I tried not to think of images of her with this other bloke all happy with there new found love. enjoying life... but I couldn't and I could sympathise with what I put her through but I had my reasons that I explained.  I tried to focus on any little thing positive in my life and cling on to them thoughts and it did work but eventually the pictures kept creeping back in...  I couldn't wait for the morning to get up and get to work.. I need a distraction or something to keep me occupied...

The Break up

So it was Sunday November 17th 2013 that I got an email from her about 7am in the morning, saying that she can never see me anymore and it's over and she needs to move on.  Her moving on was something we talked about a lot because of the circumstances and the complexities I couldn't give her my all and I couldn't give her my future either.  I even encouraged it to her plenty of time.  I suppose it's all easier said than done though. I always thought that we would remain friends to some extent but feelings, hurt, jealousy, it's not as easy as it is on paper.

I couldn't sleep that night anyway I knew something wasn't quite right for the past 2 days.  She wasn't responding to my emails like she would normally do and we would email each other a lot and about everything and I suppose this blog will help fill that void about how we would talk about everything and maybe help me to try and stop contacting her and let her go :-( just even typing it and reading it is so  tough.

I tried at first to keep my dignity and let her go as a man but that didn't last long before anger, hurt and every other negative emotion and feeling started to creep in.  How could she end it just all of a sudden.  What had happened.  we were together on that wednesday what happened in a space of a few days that my world got turned upside down. All these questions started to creep in my head and I tried to call her that day and talk to her.  She didn't answer.  I tried a few times and left a voicemail saying that we should atleast talk about it and she should at least give me the decency to end it to my face rather than email.

She eventually emailed me back saying that she couldn't answer and that maybe I could call her tomorrow when I drive down to work.  At the time I was furious and thought no way am I getting in touch.  My pride and ego had been bruised.  I did eventually email her back asking if she had met someone else already.  She responded back and told me about how all my lies and all times times I've hurt her have grind her down and she can't cope anymore.  and I am beginning to understand why too. I apologised again for all the pain I put her through and again try to leave in a dignified manner.  That was the last I heard from her that day.  We didn't email or anything. Normally we would have emailed each other through out the day.  Asking what we've been upto, what we've ate, how much we are missing each other, how we can't wait to meet up again. but there was nothing, just complete silence.

I was constantly checking my emails hoping and praying she had emailed me back, that she had a moment of madness and changed her mind but nothing came.  There was so many times I wanted to email her that day to talk to her. To tell her not to leave me. But I did my best to hold back as much as I could.  I tried to keep myself occupied.  I watched some tv, watched a few movies and I think I watched black swan last night which is a movie we saw together on my birthday :-( everything was reminding me of her.. I couldn't stop thinking about her :-( I tried to sleep that night but not very well.  I was exhausted and manage to get some sleep but all those questions still were in my head.  How could she end it.  She claimed to be madly in love with me.  We said we'll always be together.  I've risked so much to stay with her and contact her as much as I can.  How could she just end it all.. I was starting to get feelings of hate... hatred of her but more so hatred of myself.

Introduction

So it's about 5am on a wow I can't even remember the day ummmm a Wednesday morning.  I've been trying to sleep for a few hours now but I can't sleep and I got work soon.

Anyway my introduction and what this blog is about.  My name is Hoobie and the person this blog is about is my love Boobie.  And this is about how I am dealing with the Break up of our 3 and a half year relationship on Sunday.

First of all I don't know if anyone will read this or even one day she might stumble across it but I just want to get my feelings down and try and cope with this loss.  Even writing this now I am shaking.  I've never been much of a writer and not one to express my emotion but hopefully this gives me some kind of outlet and somehow try and fill a void in my life that she has left.

OK bit about the back story.  I must make clear I am not the victim in this and I do not deserve even an ounce of sympathy from anyone.  I am a monster and a bad person.  I have hurt, lie and cheated a lot of people of the past few years and I deserve everything I am feeling right now and even more so.  I don't want to get into too much detail about the back story I just want to deal with the now and how I am dealing with the loss of the person I love. I suppose even Bad people have hearts and have to deal with a broken heart.

Oh yeah Hoobie and Boobie are nicknames we gave each other :-) I suppose they was the terms of our affection to each other.  We would use them all the time and we would always call each other that.

Boobie was and is the most amazing person I've ever met. she is beautiful inside and out.  She has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen and when she smiled oh wow there was not a better sight in this world.  I do miss that smile so much and I suppose towards the end I didn't see much of a genuine smile like I used to :-(

Anyway I put her through a lot of pain. and I hurt her a lot.  I can now understand some of the pain she must have had to deal with during out time together and she stuck by me. I must say none of this was deliberate and just one thing led to another and before I know it I was heads over heals for her and I didn't have the courage to tell her the truth which I suppose I should have done but it's hard when you think it might hurt that person or they'll leave.  Maybe if I did back then lot of people wouldn't have got hurt the way they did and I wouldn't be feeling the way I am now. But then I wouldn't have got to know her and spend the most amazing 3 years together.  I don't know swings in roundabouts.  Sometimes I regret everything and other times I don't.

I may edit this later but I think that's as much as I am willing to share right now. I am hoping to keep a journal and this will let me express myself,  I come from a very macho family so showing weakness like this is not well something I can do and I can't really share this with anyone else really.  There is one friend but I suppose I don't want to bore him constantly every day and minute about how upset I am.  But he suggested writing a journal might help me cope.  Fingers crossed.