Day 25

Wednesday 11th December 2013

Well I managed to get a good solid sleep till about 4 am.. I tried to sleep thinking about me and boobie cuddling on bed like we normally do. her back towards me.. the smell and touch of her skin on me.. I tried to block everything else out and just focus on that.. that helped me to sleep and it was nice :-) but about 4am I woke up.. something must have stirred my mind and after that I couldn't get back to sleep properly again..  I read bit of twitter to distract my head and then tried to sleep again.. I got out of bed at 8am.. didn't have a shower :-( late again for work.. look and feel a mess.. gotta do my appraisal today.. not really in the best mindset for it.. not feeling the most positive at the moment..

Oh yeah I forgot to mention.. I didn't check my emails at all last night. which I'm really proud of :-) I checked it this morning and still no email.. but I'm proud I last all evening.. so gold star for me :-)

Right gonna try and work hard today.. just need to focus.. I can do this..

Just come back from lunch.. again just had a soup for lunch.. I've got some Salad to have for later on..  still not started on my appraisal.. LOL.. got distracted and started doing some other work.. feeling little better today..  theres a song I'm listening to at the moment on repeat and it's just striking a chord with me and keeps me pushing forward..  I need to start feeling good about myself again.. get my self esteem back again.. build myself back up again..  Keep thinking of boobie and stuff I wanna tell her but I'm starting to not think like that anymore.. if I ever had a funny conversation or something I would be like I can't wait to tell boobie about that.. suppose it's just a case of getting used to that..

17:00 still doing my appraisal.. made a mistake a few hours ago of reading the last email boobie sent me.. just re-ingnited my emotions.. not gonna make that mistake again.. I still can't fathom how we went from the way we were together.. where we loved each other so much to now we know nothing.. just 2 separate people.. but I suppose that's what the whole process of letting go is about.. I've managed to calm myself down and try and focus on my work again and my appraisal..  I've had some tea and hob knobs.. that was yummy.. actually had quite a few of them..  still not had my salad.. I'm gonna have that in a little bit..  hopefully if I can get my appetite back and sleep peacefully soon then I can live with the pain during the day..  the weekends are tougher.. just need to try and keep occupied as much as I can.. one day at a time..

Did chest yesterday in the gym.. was able to push myself a little more tonight.. didn't do any cardio just weights..

got home and had some pizza from last night.. just had 2 slices and that was plenty for me..  Housemate suggested we go out.. I didn't quite fancy it..  but he pushed so we went out.. again I don't think I'm ready.. just everything reminds me of her.. I just want to be with her.. any other woman just looks ordinary compared to her.. had a little dance but just wanted to get back home and get to sleep.. on way back I broke down in tears..  my housemate comforted me.. and I'm glad I have him there to lean on at the moment..  got home and went straight to sleep.