Day 19

5th December

Didn't sleep too well last night.. had mixture of emotions from anger and hurt to just like numbness.. been feeling exhausted and sick all day.. feel on edge and been over thinking too much today..

I went for a little walk after lunch in the cold windy weather it was sunny but it was nice to get some fresh air and feel the sun on my face and I just looked at the beauty of the world and enjoyed the view and just took deep breaths.. I'm gonna do that more often.. I really enjoyed that..

I been spending time with my nephew a lot and he has been supporting me through. I'm sure he is bored of me..

I went to doctors.. LOL I told him I was depressed and having some anxiety issue.. he asked me some questions and I was answering them and he goes be careful if u keep answering like this u'll end up in a mental hospital.. I just wanted the anti depression pill.

I took one before gym and I do think it has calmed me down a little.. I feel a little sleepy now and I feel sick.. I'm still not able to eat properly at all yet.. I'm hungry but soon as I eat I feel sick..

I know I have to maintain no contact with boobie and it is hard but it's hard to see us end like this :-( just feels so strange.. but that's none of my business anymore now.. I need to worry about my self.. I need to be selfish now and do what makes me happy.. If I'm happy then I think it'll be easier for boobie to move on.. I think it'll be harder for her if she knew how much I'm hurting inside.. I know she's not a bad person.. It's just hard when so much emotions and thought go through ur head.. but I'm sure eventually I will be at peace with myself and my time with boobie..

Just heard Nelson Mandela has died :-( that is sad news.. this is something me and boobie would have talked about..

well just a reminder that life is too short to be unhappy and dwell on the past and feel sorry for urself.. just gotta make do with whatever cards god gave u.. I think that's the attitude I wish I can maintain..

nite nite hoobie mate and sweet dreams.. xx