Day 18

Wednesday 4th December..

Didn't sleep too well last night.. again I couldn't stop thinking about my boobie.. It'll be 2 weeks now since we last emailed each other.. it has been the longest 2 weeks ever.. I miss her so badly.. I wish I could still contact her as normal.. everytime I got her email I would get like an adrenaline rush.. I dropped the kids off school this morning and was so tempted to call boobie on my way back.. the voice in my head kept saying do it.. call her.. talk to her.. but I held back.. I kept replaying the conversations in my head over and over again about what we would talk... how we would talk.. would be laugh..  but I held back.. it's still too early and it's not gonna do any of us anygood.. I need to give her time to let her clear her head and move on.. I need time for myself to find my happiness again without boobie being a massive part of my life anymore.. I just wanted to tell her that I am not angry and her anymore and that I don't hate her.. that I miss her and that I still love her.. I still love her lots.. that I do still want to be friends eventually but need some time to find my feet and find my new role in her life and I need time to adjust.. that's all I wanted to say.. I couldn't flirt and tell her how beautiful she is every morning... that is not my place anymore.. that's for someone else now.. I hope he tells boobie everyday how beautiful she is.. coz she is the most amazing and beautiful person ever..

I understand that she wants to settle down and I wasn't providing that.. that she must see all her friends get married, have babies, go out as couples and she must have felt like her life was on pause.. I can understand how that was heartberaking for her.. I wish that I could have given her more.. I hope one day she realises that I gave her as much as I possibly could.. There was so much behind the scenes that I had to fight just so I can spend time with her.. I know it's not enough.. I would have loved to gave her my all :-( I did give her all my heart.. that is one thing I always told her and that was true.. I never lied about that..

Will I ever stop loving her.. I don't know.. I just know that at this moment.. I still love her like mad. I still can't stop thinking about her.. I still hope that she is ok and that she is eating and sleeping well.. I still want to make sure that no one is causing her any pain in her life.. even me.. I love u lots boobie..

OK I have a day off work today.. so gonna go to town later and get a haircut.. need to starting feeling good about myself.. need to start thinking about myself and loving my self and making me happy.. I have to stop thinking about boobie.. It's difficult coz if I knew she was ok then I would be so much happier and would be able to focus on myself a little more.. I would have taken a pic of myself afterwards and sent her it.. LOL or she would have demanded it.. aaaaah how I miss u boobie.. why did u get me so attached to u eh.. silly billy.. xx

Home now.. been at my parents most of the day.. talking to my brothers, my nephews.. just been trying to surround myself with family and keep myself distracted.. I have moment's when I get really low and moments when I'm a little more positive.. moments when I think she had to move on.. it had to happen.. that's why she left u.. then I remember she chatted to him while we was together.. so kinda get mixed thoughts.. I been trying to not overthink anything now.. when I get that sickly anxiety feeling I just try and breathe it out which helps..

I trained arms in the gym and I was able to train a little harder today.. so that was good.. I feel bit better after my haircut.. now I just need to be able to start sleeping properly so I can get rid of these bags under my eyes.. hopefully the new year will bring a fresh start.. will start training harder and eating properly.. look after myself a little more.. not that I didn't before.. but I did it for boobie.. but now I'm doing it for me.. and I'll treat myself and get some new clothes and start looking more smarter.. less tracky bottoms and t-shirts..

watching match of day now.. feeling bit sleepy.. I hope I can take this positive feeling to bed and get a good night sleep.. I've had a few naps today and random occasions so I'm catching up on sleep..

OK good night Hoobie and sweet dreams.. Mwaaaaah Big Hug mate xx