Day 21

Saturday 7th December

it'll be 3 weeks since me and boobie have split up.. I can't believe it's only been 3 weeks... it feels like fucking ages.. these 3 weeks have been so tough without her.. :-(

I didn't sleep too well at all last night.. I thought the shisha might help me zonk out but it didn't really do me any good.. I woke up loads of times.. I want her so bad.. I am craving her so much.. my body isn't coping without her..

I managed to have one slice of toast and tea.. not going gym today.. I gotta go airport to pick my nephew up..  I remember last time I went me and boobie were chatting on the phone..

the weather was really bad.. I know boobie would have told me to be careful and slowly.. I picked him up.. and went to my mum and dads.. been there all day today.. I've tried to surround myself with family as much as I can but I just miss my boobie.. that's the person I want to hear from.. I checked my emails so many times hoping and praying she would email.. but nothing :-( Boobie.. don't u love me anymore :-(

I been in and out of sleep at my parents.. I managed to have a little rice.. I been reading on internet whether it's possible to be friends with ur ex and generally the answer is no.. specially when one person wants to rekindle the relationship.. and I still do :-( I still want her.. I still love her.. I still have strong feelings for her.. feelings and emotions I am constantly fighting every second by not emailing her and just saying I miss u.. I don't know if I sent that to her how she would feel.. would she feel happy.. or would it just confuse her.. I don't know.. all I know is I need to let her go. I need to let her move on and it's killing me fucking so much inside.. I need to stay strong..

I not had a chance to write my journal at my parents and I can feel myself getting agitated and feeling on edge.. I couldn't wait to get home and write in here.. what I wanted to write about is my jealousy that is killing me.. jealousy that it's not me.. and I can understand the jealousy Boobie was going through with me and my wife.. but I know that was a loveless relationship.. something I was trapped into because of family and kids.. not because of love..

I have to remind myself that boobie reasons for breaking up is because her future and I couldn't provide that.. and it is just that.. I suppose when u get rejected it's easy to look at urself and try to find faults.. yes I fucked up.. I lied and I hurt her.. but I promise u boobie, I always loved u.. I did whatever I could do in my power to be with u as much as I can.. always thinking of ways I can spend as much time with u as I can.. that's when I was at my purest happiness..  I do want boobie to be happy.. it would kill me if after all this she was unhappy at the end of it.. I am jealous that it's not me.  I so want it to be me.. I wish that so much that it was me to make her happy forever.. that's what I'm jealous about.. I want her to be mine.. I read its normal to feel this intense jealousy and it has only been 3 weeks.. so it's good I experience this and outlet that here..  and remind myself that I couldn't give her what she wanted..

I miss u boobie.. I miss u so much.. I wish I could see u for one last time.. hug u and hold u and tell u how much I bloody love u.. how much u mean to me.. how u are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.. how u brighten up my dull ordinary life by just u emailing me..

I hope god gives me strength to move on.. to let u move on..  and in the afterlife to re-unite us..

Big hug Boobie... mwaaaaaah nite nite and sweet dreams.. I love u :'-( xxxxxxx