Day 17

Tuesday 03/12/2013

Woke up this morning feel sick.. I feel all empty inside.. I'm hungry.. I need to eat but I know I can't stomach anything.. I am missing boobie so much.. I wanna hear her voice.. just talk to her.. I've not talked to her in so long.. it's killing me inside.. hoping she's ok.. I know if I talked to her I would feel lot better straight away..

Everytime I feel like I'm making some progress I feel like the next day I'm back to square one. that urge to contact her just as strong as the first day.. the desire to have my boobie back just as strong.. the anger and hurt I am using to mask how much I still love her.. deep down I know I still love her so much.. I'm just trying to kid myself that I hate her..

I need to work today.. I hardly did anywork yesterday.. just reading as much as I can on how to deal with heartbreak.. I know I have to give it time.. I will get better..  I got a doctors appointment for Thursday to see the doctors.. I'm gonna ask from some anti-depression tablets to help me cope for the next few weeks.. I don't want to take them but I don't think I can manage just on my own just yet.. I keep having flashbacks of boobie together.. laughing.. smiling and I need to stop them.. they are memories I don't wanna lose.. but I need to forget them for now.. she's out of my life and I need to stop thinking about her like that..

OK gonna try and have some breakfast.. have bit of a busy afternoon.. might have a nap later on if I can.. Got gym later and that's all.. that's all my day is.. I never minded before when I had boobie.. I felt like I didn't need anything else in my life.. I don't know what else I can do to fill this void she has left.. I have wife, kids and all my family.. why can't they fill the void.. why is just one person.. one person I knew I had to let go someday.. a person that would have to move on have such a huge affect on me..

feel bit better after writing this..

16:00 - Not a bad afternoon.. been quite busy with work.. have been missing boobie at times but I been trying and force myself to be more positive.. but I will feel sad when I have too.. I am not gonna try and block the emotions and I will let them out.. I will cry later in the shower.. think of her and just try and let the water wash away my thoughts of her.. I know more tough days to come.. specially with xmas approaching I'm gonna go crazy thinking about her.. I got the next 3 days off which are not ideal.. work is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.. but they are days I had to take off.. I know I got all these challenges left to face and it makes me sick that it's gonna be a long time before I am fully over boobie.. it's 4pm and it's dark and gloomy.. never really noticed the darkness.. boobie was my ray on sunshine..

Didn't have a chance to update this last night.. went to gym and after went to my brother's mate house to have a chat.. we chatted for ages and it felt good to talk to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through and how torn I am.. I told him I still love boobie.. no matter how hard I tried to hate her.. I still can't stop loving her.. she was perfect for me in everyway.. if circumstances were different I would want to be with her forever.. no doubt about it.. I never felt such an amazing connection with anyone like I have done with her.. He said something which made me smile.. he said u gotta see ur time with boobie as a gift.. and u need to be thankful for the time we had together.. which I am.. still makes me sad that I can't be the one to spend the rest of my life with her.. it tears me up and eats me up inside.. I wish I could just leave everything behind for her.. I really wish I could.. I wish I had that courage to leave all my family and my kids behind and be with boobie forever.. but I couldn't do that.. I couldn't live with myself if I did that.. and as I am finding I'm finding it hard to live without her too.. I miss her so much.. I miss every little thing about her.. I wish I could go back in time and savour every little moment with her.. take it all in.. never sleep just watch her.. talk to her.. touch her.. kiss her.. make love to her.. I took it for gratned and thought I'd always have her.. :-( I miss u boobie I miss u so much.. I want to be urs forever.. I want u to be mine and we can run away and never look back and enjoy each other's company.. nothing else matters.. just me and u..