Wednesday 11th December 2013
Well I managed to get a good solid sleep till about 4 am.. I tried to sleep thinking about me and boobie cuddling on bed like we normally do. her back towards me.. the smell and touch of her skin on me.. I tried to block everything else out and just focus on that.. that helped me to sleep and it was nice :-) but about 4am I woke up.. something must have stirred my mind and after that I couldn't get back to sleep properly again.. I read bit of twitter to distract my head and then tried to sleep again.. I got out of bed at 8am.. didn't have a shower :-( late again for work.. look and feel a mess.. gotta do my appraisal today.. not really in the best mindset for it.. not feeling the most positive at the moment..
Oh yeah I forgot to mention.. I didn't check my emails at all last night. which I'm really proud of :-) I checked it this morning and still no email.. but I'm proud I last all evening.. so gold star for me :-)
Right gonna try and work hard today.. just need to focus.. I can do this..
Just come back from lunch.. again just had a soup for lunch.. I've got some Salad to have for later on.. still not started on my appraisal.. LOL.. got distracted and started doing some other work.. feeling little better today.. theres a song I'm listening to at the moment on repeat and it's just striking a chord with me and keeps me pushing forward.. I need to start feeling good about myself again.. get my self esteem back again.. build myself back up again.. Keep thinking of boobie and stuff I wanna tell her but I'm starting to not think like that anymore.. if I ever had a funny conversation or something I would be like I can't wait to tell boobie about that.. suppose it's just a case of getting used to that..
17:00 still doing my appraisal.. made a mistake a few hours ago of reading the last email boobie sent me.. just re-ingnited my emotions.. not gonna make that mistake again.. I still can't fathom how we went from the way we were together.. where we loved each other so much to now we know nothing.. just 2 separate people.. but I suppose that's what the whole process of letting go is about.. I've managed to calm myself down and try and focus on my work again and my appraisal.. I've had some tea and hob knobs.. that was yummy.. actually had quite a few of them.. still not had my salad.. I'm gonna have that in a little bit.. hopefully if I can get my appetite back and sleep peacefully soon then I can live with the pain during the day.. the weekends are tougher.. just need to try and keep occupied as much as I can.. one day at a time..
Did chest yesterday in the gym.. was able to push myself a little more tonight.. didn't do any cardio just weights..
got home and had some pizza from last night.. just had 2 slices and that was plenty for me.. Housemate suggested we go out.. I didn't quite fancy it.. but he pushed so we went out.. again I don't think I'm ready.. just everything reminds me of her.. I just want to be with her.. any other woman just looks ordinary compared to her.. had a little dance but just wanted to get back home and get to sleep.. on way back I broke down in tears.. my housemate comforted me.. and I'm glad I have him there to lean on at the moment.. got home and went straight to sleep.
Thursday 12 December 2013
Wednesday 11 December 2013
Day 24
Tuesday 10/12/2013
Didn't sleep too well at all last night.. I hate to admit it but missing boobie so much.. I just want to hold her and close my eyes and fall asleep.. I wish her memory would go away.. I wish she would just leave me now and let me be.. she's took my heart.. she's took my dignity.. what more does she want..
Really foggy here.. loads of traffic on the way to work.. traffic is not good for me.. makes me think too much.. I'm ok when I'm on the motorway.. driving along.. feel really sick.. weighed myself this morning and I've lost a fair bit of weight too.. mind is all over the place.. can't think straight at all.. forgot my pass today too.. not been a good day so far :-(
just had soup for lunch.. got salad to have for later on.. still feel really tight chested like I can't breathe properly.. got a bit of a headache.. not really feeling too good at all today.. work has been slow and really not enough to keep me distracted at all..
going to the other building soon to do some work.. so hopefully that will be a healthy distraction.. really hate myself right now.. not feeling too positive.. I see her everywhere I look.. I've been through worse.. I will get through this and I will be a better person from it.. Come on Move on.. let her go.. forget her.. focus on urself.. forgive urself and enjoy urself.. have fun and stop thinking if she is ok and what she is doing.. she's no longer urs to worry about.. let go!!!!!!!!!
Went to gym and just jogged for half an hour.. didn't do any weights and just jogged.. I'm really enjoying jogging it's only time I feel some peace and comfort.. the only time my heart doesn't ache.. I wish I could just keep on jogging till my legs fall off or I forget who boobie was.. like in Forest Gump..
Went home and me and housemate ordered some pizza.. I couldn't eat much again but I forced myself to eat.. I was feeling really depressed and then me and my housemate had a good chat to talk about stuff and he helped put perspective on things... that did relax me..
we had a little sing along to some sad love songs.. and I enjoyed that I could relate to these songs.. see that my love was true and that people have gone through this and hopefully it'll work out for the best..
Didn't sleep too well at all last night.. I hate to admit it but missing boobie so much.. I just want to hold her and close my eyes and fall asleep.. I wish her memory would go away.. I wish she would just leave me now and let me be.. she's took my heart.. she's took my dignity.. what more does she want..
Really foggy here.. loads of traffic on the way to work.. traffic is not good for me.. makes me think too much.. I'm ok when I'm on the motorway.. driving along.. feel really sick.. weighed myself this morning and I've lost a fair bit of weight too.. mind is all over the place.. can't think straight at all.. forgot my pass today too.. not been a good day so far :-(
just had soup for lunch.. got salad to have for later on.. still feel really tight chested like I can't breathe properly.. got a bit of a headache.. not really feeling too good at all today.. work has been slow and really not enough to keep me distracted at all..
going to the other building soon to do some work.. so hopefully that will be a healthy distraction.. really hate myself right now.. not feeling too positive.. I see her everywhere I look.. I've been through worse.. I will get through this and I will be a better person from it.. Come on Move on.. let her go.. forget her.. focus on urself.. forgive urself and enjoy urself.. have fun and stop thinking if she is ok and what she is doing.. she's no longer urs to worry about.. let go!!!!!!!!!
Went to gym and just jogged for half an hour.. didn't do any weights and just jogged.. I'm really enjoying jogging it's only time I feel some peace and comfort.. the only time my heart doesn't ache.. I wish I could just keep on jogging till my legs fall off or I forget who boobie was.. like in Forest Gump..
Went home and me and housemate ordered some pizza.. I couldn't eat much again but I forced myself to eat.. I was feeling really depressed and then me and my housemate had a good chat to talk about stuff and he helped put perspective on things... that did relax me..
we had a little sing along to some sad love songs.. and I enjoyed that I could relate to these songs.. see that my love was true and that people have gone through this and hopefully it'll work out for the best..
Monday 9 December 2013
Day 23
Monday 9th December
Didn't sleep too well again last night.. I went to bed at 10:30 got out of bed at 8am.. between that I'm not sure how much solid sleep I got.. I kept trying to forgive boobie and let her go but I know deep down I am still really angry with her.. can't believe it all ended like this.. didn't see me and boobie would drift apart like this and that hurts so much.. I think I've forgot the sound of her voice :-( I'm feeling really sick today.. I won't be surprised if I actually do throw up at some point today..
Working from home today.. need to concentrate and get my work done.. need to stay focused as much as I can.. Driving down later on.. would normally be seeing boobie tonight :-( don't think I'll ever get used to this.. the journeys and the memories are too painful... I still love her and I still miss her no matter how hard I try..
Been feeling little better today.. not thinking about boobie as much.. I do still think of her but I just try and drive the thoughts away.. been busy with work and I've managed to eat a little better today... feeling really sleepy... nearly fell asleep at lunch time.. I been forcing myself to smile and be bit more positve today.. just get me out this strop and miserable mood.. oooh so bloody hungry.. I need to eat a little more.. I think I need to eat a little but often.. I don't think I can eat too much in one go..
Went gym and trained a little chest.. my bro's mate was there so that was good and we had a little chat too.. didn't really do much.. started feeling really sick after a while...
Just got down south.. the drive down wasn't too bad.. I was yawning a lot.. but I didn't feel that sleepy.. I had the music on and it was dark and i don't know kinda felt weirdly relaxing.. I actually felt like painless for a while.. maybe it's focusing on the road and just listening to the music is a good distraction..
Had a little chat with my housemate and gonna get ready for bed... this is the tough part.. hopefully I manage a good nights sleep.. fingers crossed... xxx
Didn't sleep too well again last night.. I went to bed at 10:30 got out of bed at 8am.. between that I'm not sure how much solid sleep I got.. I kept trying to forgive boobie and let her go but I know deep down I am still really angry with her.. can't believe it all ended like this.. didn't see me and boobie would drift apart like this and that hurts so much.. I think I've forgot the sound of her voice :-( I'm feeling really sick today.. I won't be surprised if I actually do throw up at some point today..
Working from home today.. need to concentrate and get my work done.. need to stay focused as much as I can.. Driving down later on.. would normally be seeing boobie tonight :-( don't think I'll ever get used to this.. the journeys and the memories are too painful... I still love her and I still miss her no matter how hard I try..
Been feeling little better today.. not thinking about boobie as much.. I do still think of her but I just try and drive the thoughts away.. been busy with work and I've managed to eat a little better today... feeling really sleepy... nearly fell asleep at lunch time.. I been forcing myself to smile and be bit more positve today.. just get me out this strop and miserable mood.. oooh so bloody hungry.. I need to eat a little more.. I think I need to eat a little but often.. I don't think I can eat too much in one go..
Went gym and trained a little chest.. my bro's mate was there so that was good and we had a little chat too.. didn't really do much.. started feeling really sick after a while...
Just got down south.. the drive down wasn't too bad.. I was yawning a lot.. but I didn't feel that sleepy.. I had the music on and it was dark and i don't know kinda felt weirdly relaxing.. I actually felt like painless for a while.. maybe it's focusing on the road and just listening to the music is a good distraction..
Had a little chat with my housemate and gonna get ready for bed... this is the tough part.. hopefully I manage a good nights sleep.. fingers crossed... xxx
Sunday 8 December 2013
Day 22
Sunday 8th December
Again didn't sleep too well last night.. don't know why but I felt angry last night and I couldn't sleep.. grrrrr why do I get like that.. I wish I knew how to control it.. I tried to focus on other things and that helped me fall in and out of sleep...
Didn't go gym today.. just went to play football... was tempted to call boobie but I held back.. I screamed and shouted in the car that helped me get some aggression and frustration out.. why would she want to talk to me.. she doesn't care for me anymore.. don't know why I keep thinking that she still loves me.. that she still cares.. but she doesn't.. the sooner I realise that the better...
Struggled to play football.. played most of the game in nets.. even my mate said am I ok.. I looked fucked :-( I couldn't wait to get football out the way and just get home....
I had a shower when I got back and that made me feel better.. I just had a bowl of crunchy nut and thats it... didn't feel like eating anything else... my legs are aching today... lack of sleep and hunger are catching up to me... I hope I manage to be ok driving down south tomorrow..
Not really done much today.. just been sat watching tv.. and in and out of sleep.. I have got into the habit of reading twitter to get into the habit of not checking my emails..
I had some chicken and chips for dinner.. again really couldn't eat much.. really struggling to eat but least I am trying and hopefully the stronger I get then hopefully my appetite will return..
been watching the snooker final.. again I been trying to get into the habit of actually focusing of what I'm watching rather than just watching and thinking about boobie.. it has helped to not overthink so much...
when I feel anger.. I try and take deep breaths or when I feel that anxiety or panic pains I try and just focus on positives and breathe it all out..
I feel absolutely drained.. Probably head for bed soon as the snooker is over and try and get a good night sleep..
Again didn't sleep too well last night.. don't know why but I felt angry last night and I couldn't sleep.. grrrrr why do I get like that.. I wish I knew how to control it.. I tried to focus on other things and that helped me fall in and out of sleep...
Didn't go gym today.. just went to play football... was tempted to call boobie but I held back.. I screamed and shouted in the car that helped me get some aggression and frustration out.. why would she want to talk to me.. she doesn't care for me anymore.. don't know why I keep thinking that she still loves me.. that she still cares.. but she doesn't.. the sooner I realise that the better...
Struggled to play football.. played most of the game in nets.. even my mate said am I ok.. I looked fucked :-( I couldn't wait to get football out the way and just get home....
I had a shower when I got back and that made me feel better.. I just had a bowl of crunchy nut and thats it... didn't feel like eating anything else... my legs are aching today... lack of sleep and hunger are catching up to me... I hope I manage to be ok driving down south tomorrow..
Not really done much today.. just been sat watching tv.. and in and out of sleep.. I have got into the habit of reading twitter to get into the habit of not checking my emails..
I had some chicken and chips for dinner.. again really couldn't eat much.. really struggling to eat but least I am trying and hopefully the stronger I get then hopefully my appetite will return..
been watching the snooker final.. again I been trying to get into the habit of actually focusing of what I'm watching rather than just watching and thinking about boobie.. it has helped to not overthink so much...
when I feel anger.. I try and take deep breaths or when I feel that anxiety or panic pains I try and just focus on positives and breathe it all out..
I feel absolutely drained.. Probably head for bed soon as the snooker is over and try and get a good night sleep..
Saturday 7 December 2013
Day 21
Saturday 7th December
it'll be 3 weeks since me and boobie have split up.. I can't believe it's only been 3 weeks... it feels like fucking ages.. these 3 weeks have been so tough without her.. :-(
I didn't sleep too well at all last night.. I thought the shisha might help me zonk out but it didn't really do me any good.. I woke up loads of times.. I want her so bad.. I am craving her so much.. my body isn't coping without her..
I managed to have one slice of toast and tea.. not going gym today.. I gotta go airport to pick my nephew up.. I remember last time I went me and boobie were chatting on the phone..
the weather was really bad.. I know boobie would have told me to be careful and slowly.. I picked him up.. and went to my mum and dads.. been there all day today.. I've tried to surround myself with family as much as I can but I just miss my boobie.. that's the person I want to hear from.. I checked my emails so many times hoping and praying she would email.. but nothing :-( Boobie.. don't u love me anymore :-(
I been in and out of sleep at my parents.. I managed to have a little rice.. I been reading on internet whether it's possible to be friends with ur ex and generally the answer is no.. specially when one person wants to rekindle the relationship.. and I still do :-( I still want her.. I still love her.. I still have strong feelings for her.. feelings and emotions I am constantly fighting every second by not emailing her and just saying I miss u.. I don't know if I sent that to her how she would feel.. would she feel happy.. or would it just confuse her.. I don't know.. all I know is I need to let her go. I need to let her move on and it's killing me fucking so much inside.. I need to stay strong..
I not had a chance to write my journal at my parents and I can feel myself getting agitated and feeling on edge.. I couldn't wait to get home and write in here.. what I wanted to write about is my jealousy that is killing me.. jealousy that it's not me.. and I can understand the jealousy Boobie was going through with me and my wife.. but I know that was a loveless relationship.. something I was trapped into because of family and kids.. not because of love..
I have to remind myself that boobie reasons for breaking up is because her future and I couldn't provide that.. and it is just that.. I suppose when u get rejected it's easy to look at urself and try to find faults.. yes I fucked up.. I lied and I hurt her.. but I promise u boobie, I always loved u.. I did whatever I could do in my power to be with u as much as I can.. always thinking of ways I can spend as much time with u as I can.. that's when I was at my purest happiness.. I do want boobie to be happy.. it would kill me if after all this she was unhappy at the end of it.. I am jealous that it's not me. I so want it to be me.. I wish that so much that it was me to make her happy forever.. that's what I'm jealous about.. I want her to be mine.. I read its normal to feel this intense jealousy and it has only been 3 weeks.. so it's good I experience this and outlet that here.. and remind myself that I couldn't give her what she wanted..
I miss u boobie.. I miss u so much.. I wish I could see u for one last time.. hug u and hold u and tell u how much I bloody love u.. how much u mean to me.. how u are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.. how u brighten up my dull ordinary life by just u emailing me..
I hope god gives me strength to move on.. to let u move on.. and in the afterlife to re-unite us..
Big hug Boobie... mwaaaaaah nite nite and sweet dreams.. I love u :'-( xxxxxxx
it'll be 3 weeks since me and boobie have split up.. I can't believe it's only been 3 weeks... it feels like fucking ages.. these 3 weeks have been so tough without her.. :-(
I didn't sleep too well at all last night.. I thought the shisha might help me zonk out but it didn't really do me any good.. I woke up loads of times.. I want her so bad.. I am craving her so much.. my body isn't coping without her..
I managed to have one slice of toast and tea.. not going gym today.. I gotta go airport to pick my nephew up.. I remember last time I went me and boobie were chatting on the phone..
the weather was really bad.. I know boobie would have told me to be careful and slowly.. I picked him up.. and went to my mum and dads.. been there all day today.. I've tried to surround myself with family as much as I can but I just miss my boobie.. that's the person I want to hear from.. I checked my emails so many times hoping and praying she would email.. but nothing :-( Boobie.. don't u love me anymore :-(
I been in and out of sleep at my parents.. I managed to have a little rice.. I been reading on internet whether it's possible to be friends with ur ex and generally the answer is no.. specially when one person wants to rekindle the relationship.. and I still do :-( I still want her.. I still love her.. I still have strong feelings for her.. feelings and emotions I am constantly fighting every second by not emailing her and just saying I miss u.. I don't know if I sent that to her how she would feel.. would she feel happy.. or would it just confuse her.. I don't know.. all I know is I need to let her go. I need to let her move on and it's killing me fucking so much inside.. I need to stay strong..
I not had a chance to write my journal at my parents and I can feel myself getting agitated and feeling on edge.. I couldn't wait to get home and write in here.. what I wanted to write about is my jealousy that is killing me.. jealousy that it's not me.. and I can understand the jealousy Boobie was going through with me and my wife.. but I know that was a loveless relationship.. something I was trapped into because of family and kids.. not because of love..
I have to remind myself that boobie reasons for breaking up is because her future and I couldn't provide that.. and it is just that.. I suppose when u get rejected it's easy to look at urself and try to find faults.. yes I fucked up.. I lied and I hurt her.. but I promise u boobie, I always loved u.. I did whatever I could do in my power to be with u as much as I can.. always thinking of ways I can spend as much time with u as I can.. that's when I was at my purest happiness.. I do want boobie to be happy.. it would kill me if after all this she was unhappy at the end of it.. I am jealous that it's not me. I so want it to be me.. I wish that so much that it was me to make her happy forever.. that's what I'm jealous about.. I want her to be mine.. I read its normal to feel this intense jealousy and it has only been 3 weeks.. so it's good I experience this and outlet that here.. and remind myself that I couldn't give her what she wanted..
I miss u boobie.. I miss u so much.. I wish I could see u for one last time.. hug u and hold u and tell u how much I bloody love u.. how much u mean to me.. how u are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.. how u brighten up my dull ordinary life by just u emailing me..
I hope god gives me strength to move on.. to let u move on.. and in the afterlife to re-unite us..
Big hug Boobie... mwaaaaaah nite nite and sweet dreams.. I love u :'-( xxxxxxx
Day 20
Friday 6th December
Didn't sleep well again but stayed in bed till about 10ish.. tried to ahve some breakfast but couldn't really stomach much...
Not done much today.. just been in and out of sleep.. feel sick feel tired and I am really missing my boobie so much.. I still feel like I need to grieve.. I want to talk to her so badly but I don't know if it's gonna help.. who would have thought a beautiful little angel would cause me so much pain.. I know it's not her fault.. I understand all that.. but I can't help the way I feel.. I really loved her.. I have to keep reminding myself I'm 32.. I'm not some loved crazed teenager.. I just wanna be with her so badly...
told my nephew to come over so I can chill with him.. he must be so fed up of me.. didn't go gym.. we made plans to go out for shisha for the evening..
Shisha was good and it was good to get out.. there was lot of pretty girls but I just didn't wanna look at any of them.. they all just looked ugly compared to my boobie.. my boobie with her natural beauty.. not the amount of fake crap these girls had on.. made me feel sick.. she is the most natural beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on.. even first thing in the morning she would look stunning.. I would have a huge smile on my face waking up to see her next to me.. how I miss that.. I miss u boobie...
I had lot of shisha.. it helped me relaxed and unwind a little.. I chatted to my nephew and just kept telling him how much I miss boobie.. he gave me a hug.. he's not used to seeing me so upset..
drove back home.. wanted to tell boobie all about my shisha.. I bloody love her so much.. :-(
Didn't sleep well again but stayed in bed till about 10ish.. tried to ahve some breakfast but couldn't really stomach much...
Not done much today.. just been in and out of sleep.. feel sick feel tired and I am really missing my boobie so much.. I still feel like I need to grieve.. I want to talk to her so badly but I don't know if it's gonna help.. who would have thought a beautiful little angel would cause me so much pain.. I know it's not her fault.. I understand all that.. but I can't help the way I feel.. I really loved her.. I have to keep reminding myself I'm 32.. I'm not some loved crazed teenager.. I just wanna be with her so badly...
told my nephew to come over so I can chill with him.. he must be so fed up of me.. didn't go gym.. we made plans to go out for shisha for the evening..
Shisha was good and it was good to get out.. there was lot of pretty girls but I just didn't wanna look at any of them.. they all just looked ugly compared to my boobie.. my boobie with her natural beauty.. not the amount of fake crap these girls had on.. made me feel sick.. she is the most natural beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on.. even first thing in the morning she would look stunning.. I would have a huge smile on my face waking up to see her next to me.. how I miss that.. I miss u boobie...
I had lot of shisha.. it helped me relaxed and unwind a little.. I chatted to my nephew and just kept telling him how much I miss boobie.. he gave me a hug.. he's not used to seeing me so upset..
drove back home.. wanted to tell boobie all about my shisha.. I bloody love her so much.. :-(
Thursday 5 December 2013
Day 19
5th December
Didn't sleep too well last night.. had mixture of emotions from anger and hurt to just like numbness.. been feeling exhausted and sick all day.. feel on edge and been over thinking too much today..
I went for a little walk after lunch in the cold windy weather it was sunny but it was nice to get some fresh air and feel the sun on my face and I just looked at the beauty of the world and enjoyed the view and just took deep breaths.. I'm gonna do that more often.. I really enjoyed that..
I been spending time with my nephew a lot and he has been supporting me through. I'm sure he is bored of me..
I went to doctors.. LOL I told him I was depressed and having some anxiety issue.. he asked me some questions and I was answering them and he goes be careful if u keep answering like this u'll end up in a mental hospital.. I just wanted the anti depression pill.
I took one before gym and I do think it has calmed me down a little.. I feel a little sleepy now and I feel sick.. I'm still not able to eat properly at all yet.. I'm hungry but soon as I eat I feel sick..
I know I have to maintain no contact with boobie and it is hard but it's hard to see us end like this :-( just feels so strange.. but that's none of my business anymore now.. I need to worry about my self.. I need to be selfish now and do what makes me happy.. If I'm happy then I think it'll be easier for boobie to move on.. I think it'll be harder for her if she knew how much I'm hurting inside.. I know she's not a bad person.. It's just hard when so much emotions and thought go through ur head.. but I'm sure eventually I will be at peace with myself and my time with boobie..
Just heard Nelson Mandela has died :-( that is sad news.. this is something me and boobie would have talked about..
well just a reminder that life is too short to be unhappy and dwell on the past and feel sorry for urself.. just gotta make do with whatever cards god gave u.. I think that's the attitude I wish I can maintain..
nite nite hoobie mate and sweet dreams.. xx
Didn't sleep too well last night.. had mixture of emotions from anger and hurt to just like numbness.. been feeling exhausted and sick all day.. feel on edge and been over thinking too much today..
I went for a little walk after lunch in the cold windy weather it was sunny but it was nice to get some fresh air and feel the sun on my face and I just looked at the beauty of the world and enjoyed the view and just took deep breaths.. I'm gonna do that more often.. I really enjoyed that..
I been spending time with my nephew a lot and he has been supporting me through. I'm sure he is bored of me..
I went to doctors.. LOL I told him I was depressed and having some anxiety issue.. he asked me some questions and I was answering them and he goes be careful if u keep answering like this u'll end up in a mental hospital.. I just wanted the anti depression pill.
I took one before gym and I do think it has calmed me down a little.. I feel a little sleepy now and I feel sick.. I'm still not able to eat properly at all yet.. I'm hungry but soon as I eat I feel sick..
I know I have to maintain no contact with boobie and it is hard but it's hard to see us end like this :-( just feels so strange.. but that's none of my business anymore now.. I need to worry about my self.. I need to be selfish now and do what makes me happy.. If I'm happy then I think it'll be easier for boobie to move on.. I think it'll be harder for her if she knew how much I'm hurting inside.. I know she's not a bad person.. It's just hard when so much emotions and thought go through ur head.. but I'm sure eventually I will be at peace with myself and my time with boobie..
Just heard Nelson Mandela has died :-( that is sad news.. this is something me and boobie would have talked about..
well just a reminder that life is too short to be unhappy and dwell on the past and feel sorry for urself.. just gotta make do with whatever cards god gave u.. I think that's the attitude I wish I can maintain..
nite nite hoobie mate and sweet dreams.. xx
Wednesday 4 December 2013
Day 18
Wednesday 4th December..
Didn't sleep too well last night.. again I couldn't stop thinking about my boobie.. It'll be 2 weeks now since we last emailed each other.. it has been the longest 2 weeks ever.. I miss her so badly.. I wish I could still contact her as normal.. everytime I got her email I would get like an adrenaline rush.. I dropped the kids off school this morning and was so tempted to call boobie on my way back.. the voice in my head kept saying do it.. call her.. talk to her.. but I held back.. I kept replaying the conversations in my head over and over again about what we would talk... how we would talk.. would be laugh.. but I held back.. it's still too early and it's not gonna do any of us anygood.. I need to give her time to let her clear her head and move on.. I need time for myself to find my happiness again without boobie being a massive part of my life anymore.. I just wanted to tell her that I am not angry and her anymore and that I don't hate her.. that I miss her and that I still love her.. I still love her lots.. that I do still want to be friends eventually but need some time to find my feet and find my new role in her life and I need time to adjust.. that's all I wanted to say.. I couldn't flirt and tell her how beautiful she is every morning... that is not my place anymore.. that's for someone else now.. I hope he tells boobie everyday how beautiful she is.. coz she is the most amazing and beautiful person ever..
I understand that she wants to settle down and I wasn't providing that.. that she must see all her friends get married, have babies, go out as couples and she must have felt like her life was on pause.. I can understand how that was heartberaking for her.. I wish that I could have given her more.. I hope one day she realises that I gave her as much as I possibly could.. There was so much behind the scenes that I had to fight just so I can spend time with her.. I know it's not enough.. I would have loved to gave her my all :-( I did give her all my heart.. that is one thing I always told her and that was true.. I never lied about that..
Will I ever stop loving her.. I don't know.. I just know that at this moment.. I still love her like mad. I still can't stop thinking about her.. I still hope that she is ok and that she is eating and sleeping well.. I still want to make sure that no one is causing her any pain in her life.. even me.. I love u lots boobie..
OK I have a day off work today.. so gonna go to town later and get a haircut.. need to starting feeling good about myself.. need to start thinking about myself and loving my self and making me happy.. I have to stop thinking about boobie.. It's difficult coz if I knew she was ok then I would be so much happier and would be able to focus on myself a little more.. I would have taken a pic of myself afterwards and sent her it.. LOL or she would have demanded it.. aaaaah how I miss u boobie.. why did u get me so attached to u eh.. silly billy.. xx
Home now.. been at my parents most of the day.. talking to my brothers, my nephews.. just been trying to surround myself with family and keep myself distracted.. I have moment's when I get really low and moments when I'm a little more positive.. moments when I think she had to move on.. it had to happen.. that's why she left u.. then I remember she chatted to him while we was together.. so kinda get mixed thoughts.. I been trying to not overthink anything now.. when I get that sickly anxiety feeling I just try and breathe it out which helps..
I trained arms in the gym and I was able to train a little harder today.. so that was good.. I feel bit better after my haircut.. now I just need to be able to start sleeping properly so I can get rid of these bags under my eyes.. hopefully the new year will bring a fresh start.. will start training harder and eating properly.. look after myself a little more.. not that I didn't before.. but I did it for boobie.. but now I'm doing it for me.. and I'll treat myself and get some new clothes and start looking more smarter.. less tracky bottoms and t-shirts..
watching match of day now.. feeling bit sleepy.. I hope I can take this positive feeling to bed and get a good night sleep.. I've had a few naps today and random occasions so I'm catching up on sleep..
OK good night Hoobie and sweet dreams.. Mwaaaaah Big Hug mate xx
Didn't sleep too well last night.. again I couldn't stop thinking about my boobie.. It'll be 2 weeks now since we last emailed each other.. it has been the longest 2 weeks ever.. I miss her so badly.. I wish I could still contact her as normal.. everytime I got her email I would get like an adrenaline rush.. I dropped the kids off school this morning and was so tempted to call boobie on my way back.. the voice in my head kept saying do it.. call her.. talk to her.. but I held back.. I kept replaying the conversations in my head over and over again about what we would talk... how we would talk.. would be laugh.. but I held back.. it's still too early and it's not gonna do any of us anygood.. I need to give her time to let her clear her head and move on.. I need time for myself to find my happiness again without boobie being a massive part of my life anymore.. I just wanted to tell her that I am not angry and her anymore and that I don't hate her.. that I miss her and that I still love her.. I still love her lots.. that I do still want to be friends eventually but need some time to find my feet and find my new role in her life and I need time to adjust.. that's all I wanted to say.. I couldn't flirt and tell her how beautiful she is every morning... that is not my place anymore.. that's for someone else now.. I hope he tells boobie everyday how beautiful she is.. coz she is the most amazing and beautiful person ever..
I understand that she wants to settle down and I wasn't providing that.. that she must see all her friends get married, have babies, go out as couples and she must have felt like her life was on pause.. I can understand how that was heartberaking for her.. I wish that I could have given her more.. I hope one day she realises that I gave her as much as I possibly could.. There was so much behind the scenes that I had to fight just so I can spend time with her.. I know it's not enough.. I would have loved to gave her my all :-( I did give her all my heart.. that is one thing I always told her and that was true.. I never lied about that..
Will I ever stop loving her.. I don't know.. I just know that at this moment.. I still love her like mad. I still can't stop thinking about her.. I still hope that she is ok and that she is eating and sleeping well.. I still want to make sure that no one is causing her any pain in her life.. even me.. I love u lots boobie..
OK I have a day off work today.. so gonna go to town later and get a haircut.. need to starting feeling good about myself.. need to start thinking about myself and loving my self and making me happy.. I have to stop thinking about boobie.. It's difficult coz if I knew she was ok then I would be so much happier and would be able to focus on myself a little more.. I would have taken a pic of myself afterwards and sent her it.. LOL or she would have demanded it.. aaaaah how I miss u boobie.. why did u get me so attached to u eh.. silly billy.. xx
Home now.. been at my parents most of the day.. talking to my brothers, my nephews.. just been trying to surround myself with family and keep myself distracted.. I have moment's when I get really low and moments when I'm a little more positive.. moments when I think she had to move on.. it had to happen.. that's why she left u.. then I remember she chatted to him while we was together.. so kinda get mixed thoughts.. I been trying to not overthink anything now.. when I get that sickly anxiety feeling I just try and breathe it out which helps..
I trained arms in the gym and I was able to train a little harder today.. so that was good.. I feel bit better after my haircut.. now I just need to be able to start sleeping properly so I can get rid of these bags under my eyes.. hopefully the new year will bring a fresh start.. will start training harder and eating properly.. look after myself a little more.. not that I didn't before.. but I did it for boobie.. but now I'm doing it for me.. and I'll treat myself and get some new clothes and start looking more smarter.. less tracky bottoms and t-shirts..
watching match of day now.. feeling bit sleepy.. I hope I can take this positive feeling to bed and get a good night sleep.. I've had a few naps today and random occasions so I'm catching up on sleep..
OK good night Hoobie and sweet dreams.. Mwaaaaah Big Hug mate xx
Day 17
Tuesday 03/12/2013
Woke up this morning feel sick.. I feel all empty inside.. I'm hungry.. I need to eat but I know I can't stomach anything.. I am missing boobie so much.. I wanna hear her voice.. just talk to her.. I've not talked to her in so long.. it's killing me inside.. hoping she's ok.. I know if I talked to her I would feel lot better straight away..
Everytime I feel like I'm making some progress I feel like the next day I'm back to square one. that urge to contact her just as strong as the first day.. the desire to have my boobie back just as strong.. the anger and hurt I am using to mask how much I still love her.. deep down I know I still love her so much.. I'm just trying to kid myself that I hate her..
I need to work today.. I hardly did anywork yesterday.. just reading as much as I can on how to deal with heartbreak.. I know I have to give it time.. I will get better.. I got a doctors appointment for Thursday to see the doctors.. I'm gonna ask from some anti-depression tablets to help me cope for the next few weeks.. I don't want to take them but I don't think I can manage just on my own just yet.. I keep having flashbacks of boobie together.. laughing.. smiling and I need to stop them.. they are memories I don't wanna lose.. but I need to forget them for now.. she's out of my life and I need to stop thinking about her like that..
OK gonna try and have some breakfast.. have bit of a busy afternoon.. might have a nap later on if I can.. Got gym later and that's all.. that's all my day is.. I never minded before when I had boobie.. I felt like I didn't need anything else in my life.. I don't know what else I can do to fill this void she has left.. I have wife, kids and all my family.. why can't they fill the void.. why is just one person.. one person I knew I had to let go someday.. a person that would have to move on have such a huge affect on me..
feel bit better after writing this..
16:00 - Not a bad afternoon.. been quite busy with work.. have been missing boobie at times but I been trying and force myself to be more positive.. but I will feel sad when I have too.. I am not gonna try and block the emotions and I will let them out.. I will cry later in the shower.. think of her and just try and let the water wash away my thoughts of her.. I know more tough days to come.. specially with xmas approaching I'm gonna go crazy thinking about her.. I got the next 3 days off which are not ideal.. work is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.. but they are days I had to take off.. I know I got all these challenges left to face and it makes me sick that it's gonna be a long time before I am fully over boobie.. it's 4pm and it's dark and gloomy.. never really noticed the darkness.. boobie was my ray on sunshine..
Didn't have a chance to update this last night.. went to gym and after went to my brother's mate house to have a chat.. we chatted for ages and it felt good to talk to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through and how torn I am.. I told him I still love boobie.. no matter how hard I tried to hate her.. I still can't stop loving her.. she was perfect for me in everyway.. if circumstances were different I would want to be with her forever.. no doubt about it.. I never felt such an amazing connection with anyone like I have done with her.. He said something which made me smile.. he said u gotta see ur time with boobie as a gift.. and u need to be thankful for the time we had together.. which I am.. still makes me sad that I can't be the one to spend the rest of my life with her.. it tears me up and eats me up inside.. I wish I could just leave everything behind for her.. I really wish I could.. I wish I had that courage to leave all my family and my kids behind and be with boobie forever.. but I couldn't do that.. I couldn't live with myself if I did that.. and as I am finding I'm finding it hard to live without her too.. I miss her so much.. I miss every little thing about her.. I wish I could go back in time and savour every little moment with her.. take it all in.. never sleep just watch her.. talk to her.. touch her.. kiss her.. make love to her.. I took it for gratned and thought I'd always have her.. :-( I miss u boobie I miss u so much.. I want to be urs forever.. I want u to be mine and we can run away and never look back and enjoy each other's company.. nothing else matters.. just me and u..
Woke up this morning feel sick.. I feel all empty inside.. I'm hungry.. I need to eat but I know I can't stomach anything.. I am missing boobie so much.. I wanna hear her voice.. just talk to her.. I've not talked to her in so long.. it's killing me inside.. hoping she's ok.. I know if I talked to her I would feel lot better straight away..
Everytime I feel like I'm making some progress I feel like the next day I'm back to square one. that urge to contact her just as strong as the first day.. the desire to have my boobie back just as strong.. the anger and hurt I am using to mask how much I still love her.. deep down I know I still love her so much.. I'm just trying to kid myself that I hate her..
I need to work today.. I hardly did anywork yesterday.. just reading as much as I can on how to deal with heartbreak.. I know I have to give it time.. I will get better.. I got a doctors appointment for Thursday to see the doctors.. I'm gonna ask from some anti-depression tablets to help me cope for the next few weeks.. I don't want to take them but I don't think I can manage just on my own just yet.. I keep having flashbacks of boobie together.. laughing.. smiling and I need to stop them.. they are memories I don't wanna lose.. but I need to forget them for now.. she's out of my life and I need to stop thinking about her like that..
OK gonna try and have some breakfast.. have bit of a busy afternoon.. might have a nap later on if I can.. Got gym later and that's all.. that's all my day is.. I never minded before when I had boobie.. I felt like I didn't need anything else in my life.. I don't know what else I can do to fill this void she has left.. I have wife, kids and all my family.. why can't they fill the void.. why is just one person.. one person I knew I had to let go someday.. a person that would have to move on have such a huge affect on me..
feel bit better after writing this..
16:00 - Not a bad afternoon.. been quite busy with work.. have been missing boobie at times but I been trying and force myself to be more positive.. but I will feel sad when I have too.. I am not gonna try and block the emotions and I will let them out.. I will cry later in the shower.. think of her and just try and let the water wash away my thoughts of her.. I know more tough days to come.. specially with xmas approaching I'm gonna go crazy thinking about her.. I got the next 3 days off which are not ideal.. work is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.. but they are days I had to take off.. I know I got all these challenges left to face and it makes me sick that it's gonna be a long time before I am fully over boobie.. it's 4pm and it's dark and gloomy.. never really noticed the darkness.. boobie was my ray on sunshine..
Didn't have a chance to update this last night.. went to gym and after went to my brother's mate house to have a chat.. we chatted for ages and it felt good to talk to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through and how torn I am.. I told him I still love boobie.. no matter how hard I tried to hate her.. I still can't stop loving her.. she was perfect for me in everyway.. if circumstances were different I would want to be with her forever.. no doubt about it.. I never felt such an amazing connection with anyone like I have done with her.. He said something which made me smile.. he said u gotta see ur time with boobie as a gift.. and u need to be thankful for the time we had together.. which I am.. still makes me sad that I can't be the one to spend the rest of my life with her.. it tears me up and eats me up inside.. I wish I could just leave everything behind for her.. I really wish I could.. I wish I had that courage to leave all my family and my kids behind and be with boobie forever.. but I couldn't do that.. I couldn't live with myself if I did that.. and as I am finding I'm finding it hard to live without her too.. I miss her so much.. I miss every little thing about her.. I wish I could go back in time and savour every little moment with her.. take it all in.. never sleep just watch her.. talk to her.. touch her.. kiss her.. make love to her.. I took it for gratned and thought I'd always have her.. :-( I miss u boobie I miss u so much.. I want to be urs forever.. I want u to be mine and we can run away and never look back and enjoy each other's company.. nothing else matters.. just me and u..
Monday 2 December 2013
Day 16
Monday 2nd December
Lunch time now.. just had to do a presentation again.. not really feeling great or positive today.. managed to get some sleep last night.. cried a little again last night but it's difficult I have to hold back the tears..
Feeling hurt, anger confused.. don't know whether I would want a friendship with boobie.. I'm still angry the way she has treated me.. I don't know how I could forgive her.. I wish I had recorded the conversations so I can remember how cold and distant she was with me.. how I could tell from her voice she had no love left for me.. how she broke my heart..
Feeling hungry and sleepy now.. gonna listen to some music and focus on anything else at the moment.. starting living my life.. I know I was happy before I met her.. I know I can find that again.. she did make me feel great but I can find that back again..
I know I would have told her about my presentation but it's something comforting that she has no idea about how I feel and what I'm upto and I don't know about her too.. everyday we become further apart and hopefully that distance brings us both happiness and comfort.. when 2 people were so close it's never gonna be easy to force that separation..
Going gym later on today and told my nephew let's chill out later on.. I told him all about my relationship with boobie yesterday after gym.. he gave me a hug.. but least he now understands why I've looked upset the past week or so..
Ahhh boobie I have good news.. they've sorted them issues out.. so now my mobile site looks like it's working properly :-) aaaah that's awesome.. I just need to do some more testing but I think it'll be fine now..
Starting to feel sleepy.. fell asleep watching bargain hunt.. been having on and off thoughts about boobie.. I feel numb.. I feel hurt.. I feel sad.. I feel like she doesn't care.. I am so tempted to contact her.. email her and ask her how she is.. demand to know if she ever cared about me.. how she could just leave me like that.. did I really mean nothing to her.. to explain these things.. why she refused to see me.. I know I'm not gonna get answers and I have to let them go and move on.. I have to stay strong and resist the temptations to email or call her.. I need to start focusing of the people in my life that have stuck by me and give them my love and attention eventhough all I want to do is give all my love and attention to her.. I might have a shower soon and hopefully that will make me feel bit fresher and more focused on a fresh start..
16:22.. really missing boobie so much.. feel awful she is no longer part of my life.. I so want her back.. back to being mine :-( I miss her so much.. I love her so much.. I just want to hold and hug her and not let go.. so she never leaves me again :'-( feel like crying..
Been gym and went to my parents after for a little bit.. just had cereal when I got back... I am feeling little better now.. I think the physical exercise does let me get rid of some of the anger.. just a shame I can't eat to fuel my body to work out harder.. starting to feel sleepy but the night times, dreams, nightmares, emotions, thoughts scare me so much that I don't wanna go up to bed... I need to try and think about myself and my own postives now.. my own life and stop thinking about boobie.. just need to take each day at a time.. and I got through another day somehow and that's a positive... :-)
Now got to bed hoobie and try and get a good night rest... big hug to urself
O
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Lunch time now.. just had to do a presentation again.. not really feeling great or positive today.. managed to get some sleep last night.. cried a little again last night but it's difficult I have to hold back the tears..
Feeling hurt, anger confused.. don't know whether I would want a friendship with boobie.. I'm still angry the way she has treated me.. I don't know how I could forgive her.. I wish I had recorded the conversations so I can remember how cold and distant she was with me.. how I could tell from her voice she had no love left for me.. how she broke my heart..
Feeling hungry and sleepy now.. gonna listen to some music and focus on anything else at the moment.. starting living my life.. I know I was happy before I met her.. I know I can find that again.. she did make me feel great but I can find that back again..
I know I would have told her about my presentation but it's something comforting that she has no idea about how I feel and what I'm upto and I don't know about her too.. everyday we become further apart and hopefully that distance brings us both happiness and comfort.. when 2 people were so close it's never gonna be easy to force that separation..
Going gym later on today and told my nephew let's chill out later on.. I told him all about my relationship with boobie yesterday after gym.. he gave me a hug.. but least he now understands why I've looked upset the past week or so..
Ahhh boobie I have good news.. they've sorted them issues out.. so now my mobile site looks like it's working properly :-) aaaah that's awesome.. I just need to do some more testing but I think it'll be fine now..
Starting to feel sleepy.. fell asleep watching bargain hunt.. been having on and off thoughts about boobie.. I feel numb.. I feel hurt.. I feel sad.. I feel like she doesn't care.. I am so tempted to contact her.. email her and ask her how she is.. demand to know if she ever cared about me.. how she could just leave me like that.. did I really mean nothing to her.. to explain these things.. why she refused to see me.. I know I'm not gonna get answers and I have to let them go and move on.. I have to stay strong and resist the temptations to email or call her.. I need to start focusing of the people in my life that have stuck by me and give them my love and attention eventhough all I want to do is give all my love and attention to her.. I might have a shower soon and hopefully that will make me feel bit fresher and more focused on a fresh start..
16:22.. really missing boobie so much.. feel awful she is no longer part of my life.. I so want her back.. back to being mine :-( I miss her so much.. I love her so much.. I just want to hold and hug her and not let go.. so she never leaves me again :'-( feel like crying..
Been gym and went to my parents after for a little bit.. just had cereal when I got back... I am feeling little better now.. I think the physical exercise does let me get rid of some of the anger.. just a shame I can't eat to fuel my body to work out harder.. starting to feel sleepy but the night times, dreams, nightmares, emotions, thoughts scare me so much that I don't wanna go up to bed... I need to try and think about myself and my own postives now.. my own life and stop thinking about boobie.. just need to take each day at a time.. and I got through another day somehow and that's a positive... :-)
Now got to bed hoobie and try and get a good night rest... big hug to urself
O
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Sunday 1 December 2013
Day 15
Sunday 1st December..
Hardly slept last night.. had a little break down again in bed.. had tear in my eyes and I couldn't even let my heart go and cry all out :-( I miss her so much.. I woke up about 6.. checked my emails and still no emails from boobie.. I hope she is ok.. I went back to sleep and tried to sleep again.. I woke up at about 8ish.. I checked twitter and found that Paul Walker from Fast and Furious had died in a car crash. that was really sad :-( I know this is something me and boobie would have talked about..
I had some breakfast boobie.. I forced myself to have some eggy bread.. but now I feel really sick.. I'm gonna go gym soon and then football.. It'll be a week now since I last tried to call boobie on my way to football.. I hope I'm stronger today and don't get that urge to call her and talk to her.. I still can't believe it's all over.. I suppose it's only 2 weeks and after 3 and half years with someone u don't just stop loving them like that..
I been thinking about boobie and I think when she has a family and kids I will be so happy for her.. I know she'll be a great mother.. she's so caring and brilliant around kids.. she's gonna be awesome.. she treated me like a little baby.. I remember when she'd rub her face against mine like a cat :-) aaaah I miss that so much.. she'd have a look of satisfaction and happiness when she did that..
It's nice and sunny today.. so hopefully boobie is smiling and happy today :-) I'll try and put on a smile today too boobie.. mwaaaaah xxx
Gonna get ready for bed soon.. been thinking lots about things and thinking boobie left me for someone.. I know I've lied to her but I've never left her or replaced her.. whereas she replaced me just like that.. she treated me badly once she did.. do I really want to be friends with her ever again.. nope I wouldn't.. I don't really care for her anymore.. she was toxic and it's good that she is out of my life.. now I can make some progress and do the right thing.. it's hard I have moments that I still miss her but at the moment.. I don't think I care for her. if she contacted me... would I reply.. yes I think I would coz I still do have love for her.. but I'm hoping not for long.. she doesn't deserve my love.. she'll realise this one day.. she'll look back.. I had no issue with her moving on.. but she kept me hanging on till she found someone else and just discarded me like that.. what a fucking bitch..
I think I'll sleep better tonight.. and tomorrow I focus on my self.. I do not even want to think of her at all.. nite nite
Hardly slept last night.. had a little break down again in bed.. had tear in my eyes and I couldn't even let my heart go and cry all out :-( I miss her so much.. I woke up about 6.. checked my emails and still no emails from boobie.. I hope she is ok.. I went back to sleep and tried to sleep again.. I woke up at about 8ish.. I checked twitter and found that Paul Walker from Fast and Furious had died in a car crash. that was really sad :-( I know this is something me and boobie would have talked about..
I had some breakfast boobie.. I forced myself to have some eggy bread.. but now I feel really sick.. I'm gonna go gym soon and then football.. It'll be a week now since I last tried to call boobie on my way to football.. I hope I'm stronger today and don't get that urge to call her and talk to her.. I still can't believe it's all over.. I suppose it's only 2 weeks and after 3 and half years with someone u don't just stop loving them like that..
I been thinking about boobie and I think when she has a family and kids I will be so happy for her.. I know she'll be a great mother.. she's so caring and brilliant around kids.. she's gonna be awesome.. she treated me like a little baby.. I remember when she'd rub her face against mine like a cat :-) aaaah I miss that so much.. she'd have a look of satisfaction and happiness when she did that..
It's nice and sunny today.. so hopefully boobie is smiling and happy today :-) I'll try and put on a smile today too boobie.. mwaaaaah xxx
Gonna get ready for bed soon.. been thinking lots about things and thinking boobie left me for someone.. I know I've lied to her but I've never left her or replaced her.. whereas she replaced me just like that.. she treated me badly once she did.. do I really want to be friends with her ever again.. nope I wouldn't.. I don't really care for her anymore.. she was toxic and it's good that she is out of my life.. now I can make some progress and do the right thing.. it's hard I have moments that I still miss her but at the moment.. I don't think I care for her. if she contacted me... would I reply.. yes I think I would coz I still do have love for her.. but I'm hoping not for long.. she doesn't deserve my love.. she'll realise this one day.. she'll look back.. I had no issue with her moving on.. but she kept me hanging on till she found someone else and just discarded me like that.. what a fucking bitch..
I think I'll sleep better tonight.. and tomorrow I focus on my self.. I do not even want to think of her at all.. nite nite
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