Day 25

Wednesday 11th December 2013

Well I managed to get a good solid sleep till about 4 am.. I tried to sleep thinking about me and boobie cuddling on bed like we normally do. her back towards me.. the smell and touch of her skin on me.. I tried to block everything else out and just focus on that.. that helped me to sleep and it was nice :-) but about 4am I woke up.. something must have stirred my mind and after that I couldn't get back to sleep properly again..  I read bit of twitter to distract my head and then tried to sleep again.. I got out of bed at 8am.. didn't have a shower :-( late again for work.. look and feel a mess.. gotta do my appraisal today.. not really in the best mindset for it.. not feeling the most positive at the moment..

Oh yeah I forgot to mention.. I didn't check my emails at all last night. which I'm really proud of :-) I checked it this morning and still no email.. but I'm proud I last all evening.. so gold star for me :-)

Right gonna try and work hard today.. just need to focus.. I can do this..

Just come back from lunch.. again just had a soup for lunch.. I've got some Salad to have for later on..  still not started on my appraisal.. LOL.. got distracted and started doing some other work.. feeling little better today..  theres a song I'm listening to at the moment on repeat and it's just striking a chord with me and keeps me pushing forward..  I need to start feeling good about myself again.. get my self esteem back again.. build myself back up again..  Keep thinking of boobie and stuff I wanna tell her but I'm starting to not think like that anymore.. if I ever had a funny conversation or something I would be like I can't wait to tell boobie about that.. suppose it's just a case of getting used to that..

17:00 still doing my appraisal.. made a mistake a few hours ago of reading the last email boobie sent me.. just re-ingnited my emotions.. not gonna make that mistake again.. I still can't fathom how we went from the way we were together.. where we loved each other so much to now we know nothing.. just 2 separate people.. but I suppose that's what the whole process of letting go is about.. I've managed to calm myself down and try and focus on my work again and my appraisal..  I've had some tea and hob knobs.. that was yummy.. actually had quite a few of them..  still not had my salad.. I'm gonna have that in a little bit..  hopefully if I can get my appetite back and sleep peacefully soon then I can live with the pain during the day..  the weekends are tougher.. just need to try and keep occupied as much as I can.. one day at a time..

Did chest yesterday in the gym.. was able to push myself a little more tonight.. didn't do any cardio just weights..

got home and had some pizza from last night.. just had 2 slices and that was plenty for me..  Housemate suggested we go out.. I didn't quite fancy it..  but he pushed so we went out.. again I don't think I'm ready.. just everything reminds me of her.. I just want to be with her.. any other woman just looks ordinary compared to her.. had a little dance but just wanted to get back home and get to sleep.. on way back I broke down in tears..  my housemate comforted me.. and I'm glad I have him there to lean on at the moment..  got home and went straight to sleep.

Day 24

Tuesday 10/12/2013

Didn't sleep too well at all last night.. I hate to admit it but missing boobie so much.. I just want to hold her and close my eyes and fall asleep.. I wish her memory would go away.. I wish she would just leave me now and let me be.. she's took my heart.. she's took my dignity.. what more does she want..

Really foggy here.. loads of traffic on the way to work.. traffic is not good for me.. makes me think too much.. I'm ok when I'm on the motorway.. driving along.. feel really sick.. weighed myself this morning and I've lost a fair bit of weight too.. mind is all over the place.. can't think straight at all.. forgot my pass today too.. not been a good day so far :-(

just had soup for lunch.. got salad to have for later on.. still feel really tight chested like I can't breathe properly.. got a bit of a headache.. not really feeling too good at all today.. work has been slow and really not enough to keep me distracted at all..

going to the other building soon to do some work.. so hopefully that will be a healthy distraction.. really hate myself right now.. not feeling too positive.. I see her everywhere I look.. I've been through worse.. I will get through this and I will be a better person from it..  Come on Move on.. let her go.. forget her.. focus on urself.. forgive urself and enjoy urself.. have fun and stop thinking if she is ok and what she is doing.. she's no longer urs to worry about.. let go!!!!!!!!!

Went to gym and just jogged for half an hour.. didn't do any weights and just jogged.. I'm really enjoying jogging it's only time I feel some peace and comfort.. the only time my heart doesn't ache.. I wish I could just keep on jogging till my legs fall off or I forget who boobie was.. like in Forest Gump..

Went home and me and housemate ordered some pizza.. I couldn't eat much again but I forced myself to eat..  I was feeling really depressed and then me and my housemate had a good chat to talk about stuff and he helped put perspective on things... that did relax me..

we had a little sing along to some sad love songs.. and I enjoyed that I could relate to these songs.. see that my love was true and that people have gone through this and hopefully it'll work out for the best..

Day 23

Monday 9th December

Didn't sleep too well again last night.. I went to bed at 10:30 got out of bed at 8am.. between that I'm not sure how much solid sleep I got.. I kept trying to forgive boobie and let her go but I know deep down I am still really angry with her.. can't believe it all ended like this.. didn't see me and boobie would drift apart like this and that hurts so much.. I think I've forgot the sound of her voice :-( I'm feeling really sick today.. I won't be surprised if I actually do throw up at some point today..

Working from home today.. need to concentrate and get my work done.. need to stay focused as much as I can..  Driving down later on.. would normally be seeing boobie tonight :-( don't think I'll ever get used to this.. the journeys and the memories are too painful... I still love her and I still miss her no matter how hard I try..

Been feeling little better today.. not thinking about boobie as much.. I do still think of her but I just try and drive the thoughts away.. been busy with work and I've managed to eat a little better today... feeling really sleepy... nearly fell asleep at lunch time.. I been forcing myself to smile and be bit more positve today.. just get me out this strop and miserable mood.. oooh so bloody hungry.. I need to eat a little more.. I think I need to eat a little but often.. I don't think I can eat too much in one go..

Went gym and trained a little chest.. my bro's mate was there so that was good and we had a little chat too.. didn't really do much.. started feeling really sick after a while...

Just got down south.. the drive down wasn't too bad.. I was yawning a lot.. but I didn't feel that sleepy.. I had the music on and it was dark and i don't know kinda felt weirdly relaxing.. I actually felt like painless for a while.. maybe it's focusing on the road and just listening to the music is a good distraction..

Had a little chat with my housemate and gonna get ready for bed... this is the tough part.. hopefully I manage a good nights sleep.. fingers crossed... xxx

Day 22

Sunday 8th December

Again didn't sleep too well last night.. don't know why but I felt angry last night and I couldn't sleep.. grrrrr why do I get like that.. I wish I knew how to control it.. I tried to focus on other things and that helped me fall in and out of sleep...

Didn't go gym today.. just went to play football... was tempted to call boobie but I held back.. I screamed and shouted in the car that helped me get some aggression and frustration out.. why would she want to talk to me.. she doesn't care for me anymore.. don't know why I keep thinking that she still loves me.. that she still cares.. but she doesn't.. the sooner I realise that the better...

Struggled to play football.. played most of the game in nets.. even my mate said am I ok.. I looked fucked :-( I couldn't wait to get football out the way and just get home....

I had a shower when I got back and that made me feel better.. I just had a bowl of crunchy nut and thats it... didn't feel like eating anything else... my legs are aching today... lack of sleep and hunger are catching up to me... I hope I manage to be ok driving down south tomorrow..

Not really done much today.. just been sat watching tv.. and in and out of sleep.. I have got into the habit of reading twitter to get into the habit of not checking my emails..

I had some chicken and chips for dinner.. again really couldn't eat much.. really struggling to eat but least I am trying and hopefully the stronger I get then hopefully my appetite will return..

been watching the snooker final.. again I been trying to get into the habit of actually focusing of what I'm watching rather than just watching and thinking about boobie.. it has helped to not overthink so much...

when I feel anger.. I try and take deep breaths or when I feel that anxiety or panic pains I try and just focus on positives and breathe it all out..

I feel absolutely drained.. Probably head for bed soon as the snooker is over and try and get a good night sleep..

Day 21

Saturday 7th December

it'll be 3 weeks since me and boobie have split up.. I can't believe it's only been 3 weeks... it feels like fucking ages.. these 3 weeks have been so tough without her.. :-(

I didn't sleep too well at all last night.. I thought the shisha might help me zonk out but it didn't really do me any good.. I woke up loads of times.. I want her so bad.. I am craving her so much.. my body isn't coping without her..

I managed to have one slice of toast and tea.. not going gym today.. I gotta go airport to pick my nephew up..  I remember last time I went me and boobie were chatting on the phone..

the weather was really bad.. I know boobie would have told me to be careful and slowly.. I picked him up.. and went to my mum and dads.. been there all day today.. I've tried to surround myself with family as much as I can but I just miss my boobie.. that's the person I want to hear from.. I checked my emails so many times hoping and praying she would email.. but nothing :-( Boobie.. don't u love me anymore :-(

I been in and out of sleep at my parents.. I managed to have a little rice.. I been reading on internet whether it's possible to be friends with ur ex and generally the answer is no.. specially when one person wants to rekindle the relationship.. and I still do :-( I still want her.. I still love her.. I still have strong feelings for her.. feelings and emotions I am constantly fighting every second by not emailing her and just saying I miss u.. I don't know if I sent that to her how she would feel.. would she feel happy.. or would it just confuse her.. I don't know.. all I know is I need to let her go. I need to let her move on and it's killing me fucking so much inside.. I need to stay strong..

I not had a chance to write my journal at my parents and I can feel myself getting agitated and feeling on edge.. I couldn't wait to get home and write in here.. what I wanted to write about is my jealousy that is killing me.. jealousy that it's not me.. and I can understand the jealousy Boobie was going through with me and my wife.. but I know that was a loveless relationship.. something I was trapped into because of family and kids.. not because of love..

I have to remind myself that boobie reasons for breaking up is because her future and I couldn't provide that.. and it is just that.. I suppose when u get rejected it's easy to look at urself and try to find faults.. yes I fucked up.. I lied and I hurt her.. but I promise u boobie, I always loved u.. I did whatever I could do in my power to be with u as much as I can.. always thinking of ways I can spend as much time with u as I can.. that's when I was at my purest happiness..  I do want boobie to be happy.. it would kill me if after all this she was unhappy at the end of it.. I am jealous that it's not me.  I so want it to be me.. I wish that so much that it was me to make her happy forever.. that's what I'm jealous about.. I want her to be mine.. I read its normal to feel this intense jealousy and it has only been 3 weeks.. so it's good I experience this and outlet that here..  and remind myself that I couldn't give her what she wanted..

I miss u boobie.. I miss u so much.. I wish I could see u for one last time.. hug u and hold u and tell u how much I bloody love u.. how much u mean to me.. how u are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.. how u brighten up my dull ordinary life by just u emailing me..

I hope god gives me strength to move on.. to let u move on..  and in the afterlife to re-unite us..

Big hug Boobie... mwaaaaaah nite nite and sweet dreams.. I love u :'-( xxxxxxx

Day 20

Friday 6th December

Didn't sleep well again but stayed in bed till about 10ish.. tried to ahve some breakfast but couldn't really stomach much...

Not done much today.. just been in and out of sleep.. feel sick feel tired and I am really missing my boobie so much.. I still feel like I need to grieve.. I want to talk to her so badly but I don't know if it's gonna help.. who would have thought a beautiful little angel would cause me so much pain.. I know it's not her fault.. I understand all that.. but I can't help the way I feel.. I really loved her.. I have to keep reminding myself I'm 32.. I'm not some loved crazed teenager.. I just wanna be with her so badly...

told my nephew to come over so I can chill with him.. he must be so fed up of me.. didn't go gym.. we made plans to go out for shisha for the evening..

Shisha was good and it was good to get out.. there was lot of pretty girls but I just didn't wanna look at any of them.. they all just looked ugly compared to my boobie.. my boobie with her natural beauty.. not the amount of fake crap these girls had on.. made me feel sick.. she is the most natural beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on.. even first thing in the morning she would look stunning.. I would have a huge smile on my face waking up to see her next to me.. how I miss that.. I miss u boobie...


I had lot of shisha.. it helped me relaxed and unwind a little.. I chatted to my nephew and just kept telling him how much I miss boobie.. he gave me a hug.. he's not used to seeing me so upset..

drove back home.. wanted to tell boobie all about my shisha.. I bloody love her so much.. :-(

Day 19

5th December

Didn't sleep too well last night.. had mixture of emotions from anger and hurt to just like numbness.. been feeling exhausted and sick all day.. feel on edge and been over thinking too much today..

I went for a little walk after lunch in the cold windy weather it was sunny but it was nice to get some fresh air and feel the sun on my face and I just looked at the beauty of the world and enjoyed the view and just took deep breaths.. I'm gonna do that more often.. I really enjoyed that..

I been spending time with my nephew a lot and he has been supporting me through. I'm sure he is bored of me..

I went to doctors.. LOL I told him I was depressed and having some anxiety issue.. he asked me some questions and I was answering them and he goes be careful if u keep answering like this u'll end up in a mental hospital.. I just wanted the anti depression pill.

I took one before gym and I do think it has calmed me down a little.. I feel a little sleepy now and I feel sick.. I'm still not able to eat properly at all yet.. I'm hungry but soon as I eat I feel sick..

I know I have to maintain no contact with boobie and it is hard but it's hard to see us end like this :-( just feels so strange.. but that's none of my business anymore now.. I need to worry about my self.. I need to be selfish now and do what makes me happy.. If I'm happy then I think it'll be easier for boobie to move on.. I think it'll be harder for her if she knew how much I'm hurting inside.. I know she's not a bad person.. It's just hard when so much emotions and thought go through ur head.. but I'm sure eventually I will be at peace with myself and my time with boobie..

Just heard Nelson Mandela has died :-( that is sad news.. this is something me and boobie would have talked about..

well just a reminder that life is too short to be unhappy and dwell on the past and feel sorry for urself.. just gotta make do with whatever cards god gave u.. I think that's the attitude I wish I can maintain..

nite nite hoobie mate and sweet dreams.. xx